Unlike positive thinking, self-compassion, or gratitude — which can all be developed when things are going good or going bad — you need challenges in your life to develop resilience. You have to get knocked down in order to learn how to pick yourself back up. Over time, you’ll start to see that being knocked down makes you stronger — plus it makes you less afraid to get knocked down again.

Not sure if you approach challenges in the ways that build resilience? Maybe you have room to grow and become a more resilient person. To find out how resilient you are, take this super-short well-being quiz, which not only gives you a general idea of you how resilient you are, but can also help you identify the other skills you need to build to improve your happiness and well-being.

What did you discover? Do you need to build your resilience? If so, here's how to do it.

​Although there are lots of ways to build resilience, I'm focusing on research-based strategies, from the more basic to the more complex. Choose your favorite strategies to start building your resilience today:

1. Stop your negative thought cycles

Often when bad things happen, we get stuck thinking about negative outcomes. We repeatedly think about what we could have done differently in the past, or how we are going to mess up again in the future. We ruminate on these events, because we mistakenly believe that thinking about our hardships over and over again will help us solve them. Unfortunately, negative thought cycles just get us caught up in our thoughts, instead of taking the actions we need to move forward.

To put an end to these negative thought cycles, which have become well-worn pathways in our brains, we need to short-circuit our thoughts mid-cycle. To do this, we can create a behavioral break or an action plan for what we’ll do when our negative thought cycles get going. Here’s how this works in my life.

I’ll sometimes find myself dwelling on something negative, getting myself worked up more and more as I think about it, until my blood pressure is through the roof, and I just want to scream. When this happens, my negative thought cycles have complete control over me; I know from experience that no amount of positive thinking is going to stop the negative emotions at this point — they are in charge. So instead of trying to think my way out of my emotions, which is incredibly hard when your negative emotions are strong, I’ll drop everything and go for a five to ten-minute run. This behavioral break forces both my brain and my body to completely switch gears and focus on something else entirely, thus breaking the negative thought cycle.

Exercise seems to be a really effective behavioral break. But if exercise isn’t possible (maybe you’re at work or with other people), try to do something else that uses both your mind and your body. For example, you could excuse yourself for five minutes to practice deep, slow breathing. Deep breathing helps activate your parasympathetic nervous system, which can both calm you and switch off your stress.

For your behavioral break to work, you need to decide what you plan to do before actually being in the situation that calls for it. So take a moment now to decide what you will use for your behavioral break, and how you will know the right time to use it. When learning to use this strategy, it can be helpful to use it often, even if you’re only a little worked up. This can make it easier to implement during more challenging situations. Try it a few times to start short-circuiting your negative emotional cycles, helping you to recover from challenges more easily.

2. Question the catastrophe

Catastrophizing is when we expect the worst possible outcome in a situation. For example, you may have lost your job and now believe that you will never be successful, and everyone will think you’re a failure forever. This may sound extreme. Most of us don’t catastrophize quite this much, but many of us do sometimes believe that the worst possible outcomes will come true. Although being aware of possible negative outcomes can be helpful for planning ahead, when we believe the worst will come true, we set ourselves up for unnecessary stress and poor resilience.

One way to break this thought pattern is to wear a pendant or carry a stone or other small object with you. Every time you find yourself imaging the worst — about a person, situation, or outcome — touch the object. While you are touching the object, remind yourself that the best possible outcome is just as likely to occur as the worst possible outcome. Besides, worrying about it does you no good.

By gaining control over our negative thoughts, they stop being so scary. We start to see that negative thoughts come and go, and we have the skills to handle them. Now we can start actively pursuing challenges — challenges which give us the opportunity to develop resilience and improve our lives in unforeseen and amazing ways.

3. Overcome your fear of failure

Unfortunately, many of us avoid failure at all costs. We do so, because we are afraid of failure; we worry that people will think poorly of us if we fail, and we feel ashamed when we fail. But by treating failure like a disease to be avoided, we never give ourselves a chance to overcome challenges and practice resilience. As a result, we prevent ourselves from becoming more resilient. So how do you conquer your fear of failure, so that you can start building resilience?

If you think failure is a threat, like many of us do, your body will prepare for a fight — and you’ll feel like you’re in a battle. On the other hand, if you choose to view doing something hard, something you could fail at, as a challenge, then you're more likely to think you are capable of handling it. As a bonus, when you view things that you could possibly fail at as challenges, you actually will be more capable and less likely to fail at them. 

To build this “challenge mindset,” reflect on past challenges that you’ve overcome. Let's say you're worried about starting a new job. Take a moment to think back to other goals you’ve achieved. Remind yourself that you have been successful at things in the past, even small things. When you remind yourself that you have succeeded before, you can help shift towards a challenge mindset.

Next, visualize success. By imagining yourself doing well, you shift your mindset to do well. On the other hand, if you ruminate about what could go wrong, your fear builds, and the failure you fear becomes more likely. Keep in mind that even if you are able to shift your brain to stop seeing something as a threat, you may feel nervousness or anxiety, but you'll also experience positive physiological changes that can help you make better use of these negative emotions.

4. Find the benefits of past challenges and failures

Part of what makes challenges, well, challenging is that we become myopic and only focus on the bad without seeing the good. So how do you find the benefits of failure?

Plenty of smart folks will tell you that you should reflect on your failures right after you experience them. But negative emotions can cloud your thinking. If you are still feeling upset about a failure, it may be harder to see the benefits or come up with effective solutions. If this practice is new to you, an easier way to start finding the benefits of challenges may be to look at past challenges — challenges that you're no longer upset about. By practicing finding the benefits of past challenges, you can strengthen this ability so that it is easier to find the benefits next time.

To find the benefits, start by writing out a list of things you learned from a past failure. For example, if you missed an important deadline, maybe you learned that you need to prioritize better, delegate more, or tone down your perfectionism. Try to really search for as many benefits as you can think of. Ask yourself these questions to help you.

• Were there, or will there be, any positive outcomes that result from this situation?
• Are you grateful for any part of this situation?
• In what ways are you better off than when you started?
• What did you learn?
• How did you grow and develop as a result of this situation?

5. Emotionally distance yourself from challenges

When experiencing a challenge, the ability to think about your experiences as if you were “a fly on the wall,” or as if you were someone else who is witnessing your experiences from afar, keeps you from getting stuck in your negative emotions. Emotional distancing also makes it less likely that you will replay the unpleasant details of the event, and as a result, you don’t feel quite as bad when bad things happen.

To practice this technique, first recall a recent stressful conflict you had with another person. Be sure to choose something very specific. For example, recall when “You got into a fight with John about forgetting your birthday.” Try not to think about fights with John in general.

Now re-imagine the stressful event from an outside observer’s point of view — for example, from the point of view of a stranger on the street or a fly on the wall.
​
Ask yourself these questions to practice being a fly on the wall:

• Would the observer be able to understand why you are upset?
• Would the observer be able to see the other person’s point of view?
• How would the observer evaluate the situation?
• Might this observer view the situation differently than you do?

If you prefer, you can also practice this on social media. Next time you are reading about one of your friend's negative experiences on social media, practice switching back and forth from being in their shoes to being in your shoes. Try to notice how being an outside observer helps make the experience seem less intense.

6. Remember, this too shall pass

Another technique that can help you better handle stress involves thinking about the outcomes of stressful events in the relatively far future. For example, you might tell yourself that “time heals all wounds,” or “this too shall pass.”

The ability to think about a future where you will no longer be feeling so bad about whatever you’re struggling with helps you get through difficult experiences. It can reduce the intensity of negative emotions and the distress caused by the situation. So next time you are in the midst of a stressful situation, try to look back at the situation from sometime in the future.

Start by recalling a recent stressful event. Be sure to choose something very specific. For example, try to recall, “When I failed to get the promotion I was after” instead of failure, in general. Now imagine what your life will be like five years after this event. Ask yourself these questions:

• In five years, what will you be doing?
• How will you be spending your time?
• How will you be feeling?
• How will you feel about this particular event?

7. Find the silver linings

The ability to find the silver linings in stressful or difficult situations (also referred to as reappraisal ability) helps us generate positive emotions, even when there is nothing in our situation to generate positive emotions for us. This is why finding silver linings can help counteract negative emotions, decrease stress, and quicken recovery from stressful events.

How do you find silver linings? Let’s say that you dropped your sandwich on the ground, and you have nothing else to eat for lunch. You might remind yourself that you’re lucky to even have a sandwich when so many people go hungry. Or, you might see this as an opportunity to go get lunch with co-workers instead of eating your sandwich at your desk.

You see how it works? Now it's your turn to try. Recall a work or school project that didn’t work out the way you hoped. Now, try finding the silver linings of this situation. How could the situation be worse? What are opportunities that could result from this situation? What are the positives? Think of as many reappraisals as you can. Try to be creative and think of anything that would make you feel better about this experience.

8. Practice reappraisal while streaming movies

If you’re having a hard time finding the silver linings in your own life, it might be easier to practice this with other people’s lives. To use others’ experiences to practice reappraisal, plan to practice the next time you stream a movie or show. Before watching a sad or emotional movie or scene, read these instructions:

While watching the scene or movie, think about what could be learned from the experience, or imagine possible positive outcomes. With these suggestions in mind, think about what advice you would give the characters for how to feel better. Now ask yourself, how could you apply this advice to your own life? Might these same reappraisals work for you next time you are feeling sad, anxious or angry?

9. Find the benefits in life

Benefit finding is similar to reappraisal, but it can be used in negative, neutral, or positive situations. For example, you might say that the benefits of working a really difficult job are that you learn new skills and build character. But you might also say that the benefits of working a really easy job are that you feel relaxed and have more time to devote to other things you enjoy. With some practice, you can find the benefits to just about any situation.

To practice finding the benefits, first think about a slightly negative experience you had recently. Try not to choose an experience that is extremely negative — it’s important to choose an experience that’s not too bad when you are first learning how to use this technique. You can work up to harder experiences as you become more skilled. For example, maybe your car broke down, or you got in a small fight with a friend.

I know that at first it can seem impossible to find the benefits of these situations. So let me help you out a bit more with some examples from my life. A few years ago, my car’s transmission blew completely. I immediately felt grateful that I wasn’t driving on the freeway when it happened, especially since I spend about 10 hours per week commuting. I was so happy that my car retained 3rd gear, so I didn’t have to get it towed. And my husband was in the car with me, so I was glad he was able to help me get it to an auto shop that same day.

If I had wanted to, I could have focused on the negative things about this experience — it cost about $2,000 to fix, it happened as part of a string of repairs on that car, I desperately needed that car to get to work, and money was really tight. But rather than focusing on these aspects, I had trained my brain to focus on the positive. As a result, I handled this challenge quickly and easily, and got on with my life.

Now it’s your turn to try. It’s okay if this is hard at first. Just like any other skill, it takes practice. Start by spending a few minutes thinking about the benefits of a negative experience. Try to really search for as many benefits as you can think of. Ask yourself these questions to brainstorm.

• Were there, or will there be, any positive outcomes that result from this situation?
• Are you grateful for any part of this situation?
• In what ways are you better off than when you started?
• What did you learn?
• How did you grow and develop as a result of this situation?

You can practice this on social media. If you post about a negative experience, add at least one benefit to your post.

10. Run at the dog

A wise woman once told me that when something scares you, just “Run at the dog.” Rather than walking up to that scary, growling, teeth-baring dog, run right towards it with no fear. Now, I don’t recommend you actually run at a real dog, but the metaphor stands. Running toward what makes you feel uncomfortable is a great way to overcome that discomfort and build resilience.

In life, a great many things may make you feel uncomfortable. For example, if you’re worried about your finances, you may not want to look at your credit card balance. Or if you had a bad day at work, you may want to drink alcohol to forget about it all. But this kind of emotional avoidance can be dangerous, because the emotions never get resolved. Instead, they fester and build up. If you’re not addressing negative emotions, they never go away, and you carry them with you wherever you go. Now, imagine facing a big challenge when you're already carrying a bunch of negative emotions with you. It's going to be a lot harder to cope, be resilient, and thrive.

So if you are the type to avoid feeling uncomfortable — for example by avoiding doing things that will be hard, having difficult conversations, or being out of your comfort zone — challenge yourself to feel uncomfortable, just in small ways at first. For example, I used to have a hard time speaking up. To get out of my comfort zone, I challenged myself by speaking up at least once in every meeting. At first, my heart would beat like crazy. I was a sweating, miserable mess. Now, I contribute freely to conversations and don’t even think about it. All that fear that I used to take with me to every situation is now gone.

You can do it too. Think of something small that makes you uncomfortable, something other people might even find silly, and face your fear. Run at the dog. Don’t let yourself back down. If you do, your fear will just build, preventing you from moving forward in the ways you desire.

11. Use your negative emotions to propel you forward.

I’ve spent a lot of time helping you learn how to increase positive emotions and decrease negative emotions. But it’s important to remember that negative emotions are completely normal and healthy. Besides, negative emotions have benefits too. 

Negative emotions like sadness and grief help communicate to others that we need their support and kindness. Negative emotions like anger can help motivate us to take action, make changes in our lives, and maybe even change the world. At their root, emotions are designed to direct our behavior in important ways. Casually pushing negative emotions aside without reflecting on where they come from can leave us stuck and unable to move forward in the ways we desire.

So when life throws you into a ditch, and you feel crappy, ask yourself, “Is this negative emotion trying to teach me something?” Would pushing the negative emotion away leave whatever is causing this negative emotion intact? Must something be done to stop this negative emotion from emerging again in the future? If so, then don’t push it away — use it to fuel change in your life or in the world. Pay attention to see if your negative emotions are trying to lead you in a positive direction. Then decide for yourself: Will you follow? 

Its amazing the impact that positivity can have on your life. Thinking positive can make every moment worth experiencing and every goal worth shooting for. By thinking positive, you just can't help but be optimistic, even when everyone around you is miserable. As a result, you are happier, less depressed, and more satisfied with your life. The benefits of positive thinking are vast. So how do you train your brain to think positive? ​

1. Take The Quiz

Not sure whether you're a negative nelly? Take this well-being quiz, which not only gives you a score on "positivity", it can help you identify the other skills that can most help you improve your happiness and well-being. If you're someone who needs to work on your positivity, keep reading. 

2. Strengthen your positive memory.

Start increasing your positivity by memorizing lists of positive words. This practice forces your brain to use positive words more often, making these words (and their basic meaning) more accessible and easily activated in your brain. So when you go to retrieve a word or idea from your memory, positive words come to the top more easily.

Not sure which words are positive? Psychologists have painstakingly measured thousands of words to determine how positive and negative they are. I've compiled only the most positive of the positive words into a positive word workbook for adults, and a positive word workbook for kids. If you're struggling to think positive, try this strategy first. It can help develop your brain in ways that may make the other positive thinking strategies easier to implement.

3. Strengthen your neural networks.

Once your brain has built strong neural networks for positive words, try to extend these networks by asking your brain to use positive information in new ways. For example, you could memorize positive words and set an alarm that reminds you to recall these words, in reverse order, an hour later.

Or, you could print out these words on cards, cut them into 2 pieces, shuffle them all together and then find each card's match. For example, the word "laughter" would be cut into "laug" and "hter". To match the word pieces, your brain has to search through lots of positive information to find what it's looking for. This positive memory recall task may make it easier when you try to think positive.

Check out this Positivity workbook to get you started.

4. Strengthen your ability to pay attention to the positive things. 

Are you one of those people who notices the bad stuff—like when someone cuts you off in traffic or your food doesn't taste quite as good as you wanted it too? Then you likely have trained your brain to focus on the negative, and your brain has gotten really good at it. It can be really challenging to undo this training and think positive.

Just routinely focus on positive information and direct your attention away from the negative. Need help paying attention to the positive? Check out this article about positivity games (the games in point 2 are designed to increase attention to positive things).

5. Think positive, but not too much, and think negative when you need to.

Of course, thinking positive has its benefits. But thinking positive isn't always the best response. Negative thoughts sometimes have benefits too.

When we are sad or grieving, thinking negative thoughts and showing negative emotions helps us communicate to others that we need their support. When we get angry, our thoughts can help motivate us to take action, make changes in our lives, and change the world. Casually pushing these negative emotions aside without seriously considering what they are trying to motivate us to do can have consequences. So when you focus on the negative, ask yourself, is this negative emotion resulting in action that improves your life? If so, then keep it. If not, then work on changing it to be more positive.

Need more help figuring out if your negative emotions are serving a purpose or just dragging you down? Explore your negative emotional habits.

6. Practice gratitude

I'll be the first to admit that there is an infinite number of things to be angry, sad, or anxious about. But the truth is that there is also an infinite number of things to feel passionate, joyful, and excited about. It's up to us to decide which things, the positive or the negative, we want to focus on. 

One way to train your brain to focus on the positive it to practice gratitude. Gratitude is when we feel or express thankfulness for the people, things, and experiences we have. When we express gratitude at work, we can more easily gain the respect and camaraderie of those we work with. When we are grateful for our partners or friends, they are more generous and kind to us. When we are grateful for the little things in our day-to-day lives, we find more meaning and satisfaction in our lives.

Need to build a gratitude habit? Try these 5 ways to practice gratitude. 

7. Savor the good moments

Too often we let the good moments pass, without truly celebrating them. Maybe your friend gives you a small gift or a colleague makes you laugh. Do you stop to notice and appreciate these small pleasures that life has to offer? If not, then you could benefit from savoring.

Savoring just means holding onto the good thoughts and emotions for as long as we can. You can savor by holding onto the emotions you're feeling in positive moments. Or you can savor by thinking about positive experiences from long ago. Savoring is a great way to develop a long-lasting stream of positive thoughts and emotions.

Need some help practicing savoring? Try this savoring activity.

8. Generate positive emotions by watching fun videos

The broaden-and-build theory suggests that experiencing positive emotions builds our psychological, intellectual, and social resources, allowing us to benefit more from our experiences. So how do we infuse our lives with small bursts of positive emotion?

One way is to watch positive or fun videos. Watching cat videos or inspirational videos can generate a quick boost of positive emotions that can help fuel an upward spiral of positive emotions. Just be sure to mentally hang onto the positive emotions that emerge (with strategies like savoring) so that you take your good mood with you when you leave the couch. And be careful not to get sucked in for too long or you may end up feeling guilty for not getting more done.

Check out this podcast to learn more.

9. Stop minimizing your successes

We have this bad habit of continually downplaying our successes. For example, we may say, “Anyone could memorize positive words,” or “I didn’t increase my happiness as much I wanted to.” But this fails to recognize the effort that you put in—effort that not everyone would put in. These phrases minimize your small successes instead of celebrating them.

The same is true for you. Even reading this article all the way to this point means you are putting effort in to improve your ability to think positive. Give yourself some credit for that! As you pursue positive thinking, happiness, or well-being—whatever your goal is—take note of your wins. For every small win, celebrate a little bit. 

10. Stop all-or-nothing thinking

All-or-nothing thinking is when we view a situation as all good or all bad. This is another tough negative thinking habit to overcome. For example, I might think I’m a failure because I have not been particularly successful at helping kids cultivate the skills that help them think positive and increase happiness. I even had to shut down my first business which aimed to cultivate well-being in kids.

On the other hand, I have had great success in working with businesses to help them develop their happiness apps, writing content for these products and courses, and selling workbooks to help people learn happiness skills. What do you think? Does this make me a failure or success? If I was prone to all-or-nothing thinking, then I'd have to choose one or the other. By thinking positive, I can focus on what I do well and accept that I am not perfect and good at everything. You win some; you lose some. That’s life.

What you can do to be happier

​1. Find out what to do first
How are you supposed to build the right happiness skills if you don't know which ones you are struggling with in the first place? This is why it's helpful to take a quiz to explore your happiness strengths and weaknesses. Then, get a better understanding for what these skills are all about and learn how to improve upon your weaknesses and build your "happiness strengths". 
2. Give yourself a confidence boost
Why would you bother increasing your happiness if you didn't think you could be successful at it? You wouldn't. This is why it's so important to build your self-efficacy- to prove to yourself that you can increase your happiness. The best way to do this is by starting with easier skills - skills like gratitude or prioritizing spending time doing fun things. Get a quick win and you'll be more confident that you really can change your life.
3. Fuel progress by learning how to feel better about yourself
You wouldn't practice math to get better at cooking. And you wouldn't learn another language to lose weight. To be happier, you'll likely make more progress by focusing on the skills that are most closely linked to happiness. In my research, the skill that usually turns out to be most closely linked to happiness is: Positive Self-Views. Learning how to feel better about yourself - for example by imagining your best possible self, noting your positive qualities, or identifying your strengths - can go a long way to increase your happiness.
4. Create balance; overcome burnout
How are you supposed to have the energy to be happier if you're exhausted and miserable from work? It will be really hard. Building new skills - skills that will help to be happier - will take time and energy. So first, it's helpful to create better work-life balance.
5. Build a growth mindset for happiness
Growth mindset refers to the belief that we can change ourselves. When we build a  growth mindset for happiness, we believe we can change our happiness. This is super important because if we don't believe we can increase our happiness, we wont even bother to try. 
6. Make positive memories
Every region in our brains can be strengthened through practice. If our brains are really good at remembering negative things that happen, it can be useful to strengthen the regions of the brain responsible for remembering positive things. 
7. Find silver linings
Everything we experience can be a bummer if we choose to see it that we. But when you search for the benefits or silver linings in your life, you may be surprised to discover a lot of good. Keep practicing to increase the positive and decrease the negative to cultivate happiness. And, this skill has been linked to better ability to cope with stress and be more resilient.
8. Take breaks from Facebook
Facebook tends to have a negative effect on our happiness. By choosing to take breaks from Facebook - or changing the way we use Facebook - we can boost our happiness.
9. Spend smarter for more happiness
How we choose to spend our money impacts what we can do and how we live in ways that impact how happy we are. When we choose a less fancy house or car - things that don't bring us much happiness - we have more money to spend on adventures or on gifts for friends - things that actually do make us happier.
10. Communicate kindly
When we are kind to others, we feel better about ourselves. We can do nice things for others, be empathetic, or we can just treat each other with respect, communicating kindly rather than assuming the worst.
11. Stop those negative patterns of thinking
Let's face it. Sometimes we are what's making us miserable. We just can't stop thinking about how so-and-so wronged us or how our life didn't turn out as we hoped. Negative thought processes - like worrying, ruminating, self-judgement, and fearing rejection - just keep us miserable and unable to move forward. When you find yourself thinking negatively - pause and refocus your thoughts. In time, your brain will be able to do this more easily on it's own. 
12. Find clarity
How are you supposed to move your life forward when you don't even know what you feel or why you feel it? To get happier, try to gain clarity on your emotions, so that find out what your feeling and what caused those feelings.
13. Live your values
When you start to explore your self and your values, you may discover that you've known all along what would make you happy, but you're just not doing it. To be happier, get clear on your values, so that you can a live your life autonomously, according to your own principles and values.
14. Pay attention to the good
Sure, sometimes life is hard. But by paying attention to the good, you can rise above it and be more resilient. When you find the good, savor the moment and bring it with you to maintain happiness even during hard times. Or, try thinking about a time in the future when you'll feel better.
15. Use your imagination to create the life you seek
Did you know that your brain has a difficult time differentiating between things that happen in your imagination and things that happen in real life? So when you imagine something - even happiness - your brain acts as if it real. We can use imagination to help create happiness out of thin air and enjoy our experiences more.
16. Stay mindful
Sometimes we want to escape. The world seems dark and scary, but by practicing mindfulness we experience more fully both the positive and the negative - we are more fully engaged in our lives. 
17. Explore what happiness means to you
We all define happiness in different ways. When you know what happiness means to you, you'll have an easier time finding it. So explore happiness - what it means, what it looks like, and what it feels like - to more easily create it. 
18. Go after life
How are you supposed change your life by doing the same things you've always done? It's pretty tough. Instead, push yourself to overcome fear and approach life with enthusiasm. Try "doing the opposite" to see how it feels and make your brain more flexible.
19. Speak up and be yourself
When we let people walk all over us, we're unhappy. But when we advocate for our own needs assertively and express ourselves we feel more in control of our lives. Learning how to express yourself can help you overcome interpersonal challenges which can make us unhappy.
20. Find your purpose
We all want to feel like we made some sort of positive impact in this world, but sometime we are uncertain of the type of impact we want to make. Explore exactly what gives you a sense of purpose and how you want to pursue this purpose to give your life a greater sense of meaning.
21. Build meaningful connections
Did you know we enjoy just about everything more when we do it with others? This is why one of the best things you can do for your happiness is to build meaningful relationships and social connections. To strengthen these relationships, practice kindness and gratitude towards the people you care about.
22. Get off the hedonic treadmill
The "hedonic treadmill" refers to the tendency for us to return to our original happiness level over time. To boost your baseline level happiness, you can try changing your physiology through nutrition and exercise. To maintain your happiness, you have to get out of your comfort zone, and keep adding variety to your happiness plan. 
23. Hold yourself accountable
We are more likely to actually do the things we say we're going to do if we schedule time in our calendars to actually do them. We can also more easily stay on track if we get accountability from others. So if you really want to be happier this year, don't let yourself get away with being unhappy.
​In sum...
Whow! You made it all the way to the end! You clearly have the dedication to boost your happiness. If you need a bit more help putting this all together, check out my Happiness Program. It'll help you learn the right skills, in the right order, in the right ways.

Why is it so hard to find our life purpose? 

There are many reasons why you may not know your life purpose. Sometimes it's because the world's problems seem too big. Or we seem too small. Or maybe we are just exhausted from life and don't know where we'll find the energy to fight for what really matters to us.
​
But if you want to change all that and find your life purpose, here are some steps to get started. (To learn more about Purpose, check out our Purpose-Driven Business Program)

When I was a teenager I was at a party and came upon a friend of mine. Her head was cast downward, her bangs were in front of her eyes, and she was squeezing her hand into a tight fist. As I approached, I noticed something red on her hand.

It was blood!

I rushed over to her, grabbing her hand, demanding that she let me help her. Finally, after much prodding, she opened her hand. Laying in her palm was a piece of glass, glass that she had been squeezing as hard as she possibly could.

It was then I realized that she was intentionally making her hand bleed. She was so unhappy that she squeezed that piece of glass until blood was dripping on the floor.

I didn’t know it at the time, but this moment was the first in a series of moments that would show me my life's purpose.

In the years that followed, I saw the scars of self-burning, the glazed over eyes that come with extensive drug use, and the skin that hangs off a body that is being intentionally starved. I witnessed the depths of depression and the heights of mania, suicide attempts and near overdoses. It turns out that a person can only see so much pain before becoming driven to stop it.

One way to find your purpose is to ask yourself: What pain or injustice or unhappiness have you witnessed? Is there anything that drives you simply because you don't want to live in a world where it exists? Often, a powerful purpose can come from deep pain. What's your powerful purpose?

It was a sunny but cool spring morning. I had just started my shift at the addiction rehab center where I worked. As usual, I went to the back yard to make sure none of the teenagers were smoking on the back roof. One of them was so I told him go back inside. He spent the next 8 hours cussing at me, right up until the moment my shift ended. 
​
This was the day I learned that your life purpose can burnout if you pursue it in ways that deplete rather than energize you. It is not enough to know the problem you want to solve, you have to think carefully about they way that you want to solve it.

So ask yourself: What energizes you?

Feeling deflated and defeated after working at the addiction rehab center, I paused to ask myself what I really wanted to do. I don't know about you, but often I'll think I want to do something, but then I don't follow through or put in the work required to succeed - a sign that whatever it was, it wasn't really important enough to me to sacrifice for.

I decided I wanted to go to graduate school to study emotion and mental health. I had applied to graduate school before, and even enrolled in a masters program for one year, but I wasn't clear about my purpose and wasn't yet willing to sacrifice my time, efforts, and energy for it.

This time was different though.

This time, I listened to GRE words on my iPod during my lunch break at work. I volunteered in a research lab on my days off. I studied and wrote and learned until I passed out from exhaustion while preparing my graduate school applications. 

This willingness to sacrifice didn't end when I got into graduate school. I worked relentlessly to the point of burnout. Now, I'm not recommending that you sacrifice to the point of burnout. All I'm saying is that when you find something that you are willing to sacrifice for, you know you've found your purpose.

I have taught hundreds of students across 4 different universities and created positive technologies that have reached more than a million people worldwide. But the time I felt like I had the biggest impact was when I mentored a student during my first year in graduate school. Always eager to learn, she'd smile big, excited about each new project and responsibility. At the end of our time working together, she became the first person in her family to graduate college.

Even though most Psychology PhDs help students in universities, help customers or employees in companies, or help clients as therapists, I feel most inline with my life purpose when I support the change-makers - the people who will make this world a happier, healthier, better place. In fact, most of my work now focuses on doing just that - consulting with entrepreneurs and organizations to help them increase happiness in their communities.
​
To find your life purpose, ask yourself: Who do you want to help? There are many ways to chip away at the same problem. By figuring out the specific person or people you want to help, you can more easily find your purpose.

When I first started working with entrepreneurs, I helped in any way I could. I conducted research, ran statistics, and created surveys. This is what I knew and was good at, but it didn't energize me (remember Step 2). As I acquired more and more clients with different needs, I found a real passion for product development and content creation. Yup! I like to write and like to create happiness products. I'm sitting here on a Saturday afternoon writing this article... because I feel like it.
​
What do you love to do? And how do you apply this passion to your purpose? To find your purpose, you need to figure out how you can best use your passions and skills to achieve your unique goals and solve your unique problems.

Finding your life purpose is a life-long journey. It's okay to take it one step at a time. It's normal to pause and re-evaluate regularly. And it's ok to feel overwhelmed. Nothing worth doing is easy and this will not be easy.
​
You will encounter frustrations and challenges along the way. Some days, you'll throw your hands up in the air in defeat. But then you'll remember Step 1 - you're driven to solve this problem, and you wont let yourself give up.

1. Try gamified happiness activities

One way to play your way to happiness is to use apps that gamify the happiness building process. For example, SuperBetter gamifies happiness by giving power-ups, challenges, and quests as you engage in happiness-boosting activities. Similarly, Happify enables you to track your progress and earn medals for completing happiness-boosting activities.

2. Play games that build happiness

A second approach is to play games specifically designed to build happiness. For example, to build self-esteem, you can use McGill’s online self-esteem-boosting games. To build your ability to pay attention to the positive, you can try Personal Zen or a Uplift made by Happify. And, to increase accessibility of positive words and concepts, you can play a game that I helped make: the smiley face game.

3. Build happiness creatively

A slightly different approach to gamifying your happiness is to engage in gamified activities. For example, you can discover your definition of happiness with this drawing activity. You can also use this word-game to help strengthen neural networks for positive information in your brain and you can use this activity to help you more easily remember positive information.

4. Immerse yourself in beautifully designed games

Another approach to gamifying happiness is to engage in beautifully designed games that immerse you in an experience and generate the emotions of that experience. For example, Elude takes you on a guided journey of what it feels like to have depression and Flower helps you experience what it is like to float on the wind. 

Looking to the future...

​When it comes to building happiness games, we've only just scratched the surface. So keep your eye out for more happiness games - they're on their way.

Many happiness seekers have read dozens of articles on happiness, yet they don’t feel much closer to creating the happiness they desire in their lives. Reading about the ​practices that increase happiness is a great first step. But one thing that you may not have heard is this: 

You can increase your happiness by turning your "happiness weaknesses" into "happiness strengths".

To turn your weaknesses into strengths, you need a plan. Think about it: Would you bake a cake without a recipe? Would you fix your transmission without the car manual? Would you go on a journey into the wilderness without a map? You know intuitively, that a plan or guide or map—some kind of tool—makes it much easier to effectively navigate new territory.

If long-term happiness is new territory for you, then you need some kind of plan that maps out a strategy for increasing your happiness.

How to make an effective happiness plan

​It turns out that happiness is not something we find, or reach, or become—we learn happiness skills, just as we would learn any other skill. Most likely you are already really good at some happiness skills and not so good at others. For example, you might already be great at resilience, but not so good at empathy. By practicing resilience, you are not likely to become more empathic. So your happiness skills, as a whole, will improve more if you spend your time practicing empathy, one of your weaknesses.

So how do you figure out your happiness strengths and weaknesses? You can join my mailing list to get a free report of your strengths and weaknesses. Or consider how well you demonstrate the following skills in your daily life:

Positive thoughts about the self
Acceptance: The ability to accept yourself and your emotions non-judgmentally.
Positive self-views: The ability to see yourself as a good, worthwhile human being.
Clarity: The ability to understand what you value, how you feel, and who you are.
Positive reappraisal: The ability to change your thoughts in ways that help you experience longer-lasting, more intense, or more frequent positive emotion.

Positive thoughts about others
Rejection tolerance: The ability to perceive the actions of others as inclusive rather than rejecting.
Empathy: The ability to put yourself in another person’s shoes and see the world from their perspective.
Gratitude: The ability to be thankful for the experiences and people you have in your life.
Letting go: The ability to stop fretting and ruminating about negative interpersonal situations.

Positive behaviors involving the self
Planning: The ability to develop effective strategies and take actions that progress you towards your goals.
Growth mindset: The belief that your strengths can be developed through hard work and dedication.
Self-care: The ability to resist engaging in unhealthy behaviors (drugs, alcohol, shopping, or overeating) as a means to increase happiness.
Prioritizing positivity: The ability to make time for, and consistently schedule, activities that you enjoy.

Positive behaviors involving others
Kindness: The ability to be friendly, generous, and considerate of others.
Autonomy: The ability to resist the influence of others, make your own independent decisions, and take action based on your unique values.
Expressivity: The ability to easily communicate and share intimate aspects of yourself with others.
Assertiveness: The ability to stand up for yourself, speak up, and communicate your needs.

You can read more about these skills here.

Once you know your happiness strengths and weaknesses, choose just one skill that is a weakness for you. It’s important not to try to develop too many skills at once. If you focus on too many things, you’ll have a difficult time making progress on any of them. 
​
Once you have decided which skills to work on, think about how and when you will practice. Plan to practice building these skills at least a little bit every week for a few months—and see if you get a happiness boost.

This article was originally published in Greater Good Magazine.

1. Assume good intentions

In general, text messages are short. We have very little information to work with. A smiley face or series of exclamation points can help assure us that the text is meant to express positive emotion, but texts do not always include these extra emotion indicators. Our friends’ busy schedules lead to abrupt messages, and our partner’s playful sarcasm isn’t always read as playful.

Keep in mind that texts are a difficult medium for communicating emotion. We have no facial expressions or tone of voice, or conversation to give us more information.
If the text doesn’t say, “I’m angry,” then don’t assume that the texter is angry. We are better off reading texts with the assumption that the texter has good intentions. Otherwise, we may end up in lots of unnecessary arguments.

2. Cultivate awareness of unconscious biases

In my research, I have had to train numerous teams of emotion coders. But even trained coders who meet weekly to discuss discrepancies don’t agree on which emotion (or how much emotion) is being expressed. People just do not see emotions in the same way. We have unconscious biases that lead us to draw different conclusions based on the same information.

For example, every time I lead a coding team I am reminded that males and females often differ in how they interpret others’ emotions. If Bob writes: “My wife missed our 10-year anniversary,” men may think Bob is angry, while women may think Bob is sad.

I don’t presume to know exactly why this is, but I can say confidently that our emotion-detection skills are affected by characteristics about us. When it comes to detecting emotion in texts, try to remember that our unconscious biases affect our interpretations. The emotions we detect may be reflective of things about us just as much as they are reflective of the information in the text.

3. Explore the emotional undertones of the words themselves

The words people use often have emotional undertones. Think about some common words—words like love, hate, wonderful, hard, work, explore, or kitten.

If a text reads, “I love this wonderful kitten,” we can easily conclude that it is expressing positive emotions. If a text reads, “I hate this hard work,” that seems pretty negative. But, if a text reads, “This wonderful kitten is hard work,” what emotion do we think is being expressed?

One approach to detecting emotions when they appear to be mixed is to use the “bag-of-words” method. This just means that we look at each word separately. How positive are the words “kitten” and “wonderful”? And how negative are the words “hard” and “work”? By looking at how positive and negative each word is, we may be able to figure out the predominant emotion the texter is trying to express. Give this bag-of-words method a try when you are having a hard time figuring out the emotion in a text.

4. Don’t assume you know how a person feels

Text messages aren’t just short. They’re also incomplete.

With text messages, we are pretty much guaranteed to be missing information. When we read a text, we can’t help but try to fill in the gaps with the information we do have. We automatically start thinking about how we would feel in the situation the texter is describing.

Unfortunately, there are huge individual differences in how people feel in any given situation. For example, if I grew up in poverty, earning $30 per hour might make me feel pretty darn good; but if I used to be a CEO at a Fortune 500 company, $30 per hour might make me feel dissatisfied or even depressed. Similarly, if I am an athlete, playing sports likely makes me happy; if I am a klutz, playing sports might be really frustrating.

The emotions that emerge in a given context are highly dependent on our unique perspectives and experiences; this makes it very difficult for us to guess how someone else is feeling. Always ask yourself: are you drawing conclusions based on emotional information provided by the other person or are you making assumptions based solely on how you would feel in the same situation?

5. Explore your theory of emotion

Academics are not the only ones with a theory of emotion; everyone has a theory of emotion, even you. In other words, we all have an idea about where emotions come from and what they mean. It might help to consciously explore your own (possibly unconscious) assumptions about how emotions work. Do you think feelings like anger and sadness are discrete and separable from each other? Or do you think they can mix together?

Research suggests we do tend to experience a greater amount of discrete emotions, like fear, in response to specific environmental triggers, like encountering a bear in the forest. That being said, the research also shows that when we are feeling one negative emotion, we are much more likely to be feeling all the other negative emotions as well. This evidence has important implications for interpreting emotions in texts. If you’ve successfully detected that a person is feeling sad, you can be almost certain that they are also feeling anxious or angry.

6. Seek out more information

If you used the first five tips and are still unclear about what emotion is in a text, seek out more information. In an example above, Bob’s wife missed their 10-year anniversary. What if you asked Bob to tell you more? Bob might tell you that his wife died, and that is why she missed their anniversary. Suddenly, we may believe that Bob is feeling more sadness than anger. The bottom line is that you should try to avoid guessing. You need to ask questions, be empathetic, and try to see the world through the other person's point of view.

1. You're Passionate, Hard-working, and Motivated

I began to see people struggle a lot more with work-life balance when I entered graduate school, and I’ll tell you why. Universities select grad students who can persevere year after year after year to complete a Ph.D.—a degree that takes an average of 10 years to complete. So they pick students who, as a group, tend to be ambitious, focused, tenacious, and even obsessive about their work. Although some people struggle with setting aside enough time to do work, grad students tend to be the type of people who struggle to set aside enough time not to do work. As a result, they may neglect to eat right, exercise, engage in hobbies, or even see their friends and family.

• If you “live to work,” forget to schedule time for non-work activities, and see yourself as someone who is highly motivated and persistent, then you may be at risk for burnout.

What to do: If you’re already a hyper-focused, motivated, planner-type, then I know you can successfully apply your skills to create better balance. Get out your calendar and schedule time to spend on your health and happiness. Build in systems to prevent backsliding. For example, by scheduling your "happiness activities" at a regular time each week, you can build healthy habits.

Scheduling regular “friend time” is also helpful. My workaholic friends and I have pre-scheduled weekly activities to do together. So we don’t have to make the effort to schedule fun time each week; it just happens. Because we have agreed to meet each other and we hold each other accountable, we help each other succeed in creating balance. The more you can plan, automate, and increase accountability for your behavior, the easier it will be to improve your work-life balance.

2. You Compare Yourself to Others

As grad school progressed, the social comparisons started kicking in for me and my peers. I heard things like, “Sally has five publications, but I only have two. I need to write more,” or “John finished his qualifying exams in his third year, but I won’t do mine until my fourth year. I need to read more,” or “Mila gave such an amazing research talk. I should be spending more time honing my presenting skills.” And so on.

When top performers are all gathered together and all asked to do similar tasks, now only one person can be the top performer. Everyone else, who may have been considered a rock star in a different setting, is now average—or worse. This type of environment leads everyone to work harder and harder to regain that sense of mastery, self-esteem, and respect. But when everyone works harder, no one gets any further ahead. Pretty soon work-life balance is long gone and everyone still feels like a loser.

• If you are surrounded by people who are amazing at what you are supposed to be amazing at, you may be at risk for burnout.

What to do: It is human nature to compare ourselves to “similar others”. This isn’t always a bad thing; it helps us work harder and be better. But if you want more balance, you may benefit from working in an environment where most people are doing work that is very different from yours. For example, let’s say you are a chef and you work with a brilliant team of managers, marketers, and waiters at a restaurant. When these colleagues do well, it probably won’t make you feel like you are not doing well yourself. But when you get selected to go on the popular reality show Top Chef, suddenly you are working with brilliant chefs who are at the same skill level as you and know the same cooking methods. In the face of their success, you might feel like a failure.
If you feel that social comparison is hurting your work-life balance, you may want to shift to working in an environment where everyone has more defined and discrete roles.

3. You Don't Fit Inside the Box

It wasn’t until I finished my Master’s degree and started my Ph.D. at a top-tier school that my local culture became an additional risk factor for me. At top-tier schools, everyone expects you to be a star. For the sake of argument, let’s say that they define a star as being yellow and having five points. This means that a star is not blue, it is not circular, and it doesn't have 3 points. Of course, every human being is different and has different strengths and weaknesses. So very few of us fit the definition of what it means to be a star in other people's eyes.
What happens when people feel they are not what they “should be”? They overwork themselves to become what they should be, sometimes developing issues with sleep, health, or even depression or anxiety.

• If you are in a culture that expects everyone to be stars, you may be at risk for burnout.

What to do: One thing you can do is build a growth mindset, the belief that people can grow, change, and improve. It means that people are not born stars; they become stars. Be careful, though: A growth mindset alone might just become one more reason to work yourself even harder. So ensure that you also practice self-acceptance and self-compassion. Remember, no one should make you feel bad about who you are. Maybe you are an octagon (and not a star). If so, try to view yourself positively and celebrate your distinct shape (by the way, I'm more of an octagon).

4. You Don't Stand Up for Yourself

UC Berkeley—where I did my Ph.D.—sits right next to San Francisco and Silicon Valley, an area often considered a technology mecca. Some of the world’s best-known tech companies, including Facebook and Google, operate here. Tons of small startups operate here, too. If you are sitting at a coffee shop, you are almost guaranteed to overhear someone who is starting, working at, or discussing a startup.
It is an inspiring and invigorating culture, but it also prides itself on extra-hard work. You may have heard stories about startup founders forgoing sleep, food, and socializing to build their companies. Indeed, startup culture reinforces the idea that success can only be achieved by working non-stop.

• If your culture expects you to work all the time, you may be at risk for burnout.

What to do: Try to establish boundaries. You decide: What is an acceptable number of hours for you to work? What life experiences would you regret missing? What are your work-life balance deal-breakers? Once you establish what is acceptable for you, be assertive in advocating for your own needs—no one else is going to.

What Happens If You Do Burnout?

While pursuing my Ph.D., I founded my first company. In between teaching and doing research and dissertation writing, I was fundraising, grant writing, and pitching my company. I also took classes in business and technology, picked up a minor in Management of Technology Innovation, and taught myself how to code in R. When my startup started failing (just like 75 percent of all startups), I just worked harder, and I took on consulting jobs to build skills. At this point, balance was not something I was prioritizing at all. The risk factors added up and got the best of me. 

I started getting migraines, insomnia, and numbness in my hands and back. I stopped valuing and prioritizing the people in my life, even neglecting to spend time with my husband and my friends. My work stopped giving me a sense of purpose. I felt aimless, and I started wondering why I didn’t feel like my life had meaning.

Then the unthinkable happened. Little by little, the quality of my work started to decline. I would schedule meetings at the wrong times, write reports that were missing lots of words, and be unable to answer the simplest of questions. “What was happening to me?!” I asked myself, “If I can’t work, then what else do I have?!”

When I asked myself this question, it stopped me in my tracks. Was I seriously asking myself what else I had? I had an amazing husband, a wonderful family, and great friends. I had so neglected the non-work parts of my life that I didn’t even think they existed anymore. It was only at this point that I realized something was really wrong with me.
It turns out, I was well into the worst phases of burnout. Because burnout builds slowly, you can miss it entirely. Your health, relationships, and well-being start to falter, but you may not know why, or maybe you don't even notice. Eventually, your body and brain start shutting down to prevent you from working—to protect you from what you are doing to yourself. In a frightening case of burnout, Arianna Huffington collapsed and woke up in a pool of her own blood.

Burnout is serious. And balance is how you stop it.

How to Recover from Burnout

Just as it takes time to develop burnout, it takes time to recover. Returning to a regular 40-hour workweek is usually not enough to make up for years of overworking yourself. You may need to take long chunks of time off, work part-time for a while, and learn how to better cope with stress.

What did I do? First, I got clear on what was important to me. Yes, I did prioritize spending more time with my family and friends, but if I was going to be able to sustain balance, there was more work to be done.

Second, I left academia to start my own well-being consulting business— The Berkeley Well-Being Institute, which focuses on well-being products and tech—and this time, I did it my way. I decided I would not work (or even answer emails) on weekends. I would spend about 20 hours per week helping clients build well-being tech products and, with whatever energy I had left, writing about happiness and well-being. I would work with clients that valued my creativity and respected my boundaries.

I didn't achieve these goals right away, and I have had to be careful not to lose sight of them. But a year and a half later, I can happily say my burnout is completely gone. I have learned a lot about myself and a lot about what it really takes to build happiness in the age of technology. I can't wait to share these insights with you.

Google provides a variety of helpful tools to help you start, grow, and market your business. One of these is Google Trends. But by using Google Trends, you can get a better idea of what’s going on in the well-being industry – a key step in building an effective marketing strategy. Read More >>