Assertiveness: Definition, Examples, & Techniques

Let’s learn about the many benefits of assertiveness and how to grow this skill.

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Do you struggle to express yourself clearly and confidently? Does the word “no” not seem to be in your vocabulary?

I know I’ve found myself grudgingly going along with something but feeling resentful the whole time. But that resentment always seems to find a way out, either unconsciously through my expressions or body language, or by getting so frustrated that I eventually lose my temper and say something I regret. Not exactly the best for relationships.

It’s hard to be assertive, especially since few of us learn assertiveness growing up. In this article, we explore what exactly assertiveness is and ways to improve our assertiveness skills.

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What Is Assertiveness? (An Assertiveness Definition)

Assertiveness is the confident and direct expression of your thoughts, feelings, and needs, while also acknowledging and maintaining respect for others (APA, 2018). It's a communication style that allows you to stand up for yourself without being aggressive, passive, or passive-aggressive.

Opposite of Assertiveness

Many think of assertiveness as existing in the middle of a spectrum, with passivity at one end and aggression at the other. So in that respect, assertiveness has both of those as opposites (Ames et al., 2017).

An aggressive communication style is when you express yourself in a forceful, domineering, or even hostile way, often violating the rights or feelings of others. It can be confrontational, intimidating, or coercive. At the other end of the spectrum, passivity is characterized by avoidance, a lack of self-expression, and difficulty standing up for your needs and wants. You typically yield to others, avoid disagreements or confrontation, and comply with others’ requests even when it goes against your wishes.

Video: What is Assertiveness

Benefits of Assertiveness

While assertiveness doesn’t come naturally for many of us, it’s a valuable skill that can be learned and can have lots of positive impacts on our lives. Some of the benefits include (Roberts, 2023):

Effective Communication: Assertive communication helps in expressing your thoughts and needs clearly, reducing the chances of misunderstandings. It encourages active listening which promotes better understanding of others.
Increased Self-Confidence: When you're able to stand up for yourself and express your needs, it naturally boosts your self-confidence and self-esteem. This also increases your sense of empowerment, further contributing to increased self-confidence.
Healthy Relationships: Assertiveness involves respecting your own needs and the needs of others. This leads to healthier and more balanced relationships. In addition, when we’re assertive, we’re able to set and maintain clear boundaries in relationships, which is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships.
Conflict Resolution: Assertiveness enables us to address conflicts and problems openly, focusing on finding solutions rather than dwelling on blame. Assertive communication also reduces the likelihood of aggressive behavior since you feel more empowered to express yourself without resorting to hostility.
Stress Reduction: Suppressing emotions can lead to stress. With assertive communication, we learn to express emotions in a constructive way, reducing internal tension. When we’re assertive, we can say "no" when necessary, preventing the accumulation of tasks and responsibilities that can lead to stress.
Career Advancement: Assertiveness is a valuable trait in leadership. Leaders who can express themselves clearly and confidently often inspire trust and respect. Assertiveness leads to more success in negotiations, as we can articulate our needs and concerns effectively.
Goal Achievement: Assertive people effectively advocate for their needs, present their ideas with confidence, and engage in successful negotiation, which increases their likelihood of achieving their goals. This proactive approach, characterized by self-assured expression, fosters both professional and personal development.
Increased Autonomy: Being assertive empowers us to take control of our lives and make choices that align with our values. It allows us to act in our best interest, promoting independence and autonomy.
Emotional Well-Being: By expressing needs and feelings openly, we’re less likely to harbor resentment or bitterness. Open communication and the ability to assert yourself contribute to a more positive and stable emotional state.

What Is Assertiveness in Communication?

Here are some key characteristics of assertive communication (Lonczak, 2023):

Clarity: You state your thoughts and feelings in a way that is easy to understand, avoiding ambiguity or vagueness.
Directness: You communicate your message directly and to the point, without beating around the bush.
Respect: You show respect for yourself and others, even when you disagree.
Honesty: You’re honest about your thoughts and feelings, even when they are difficult to share.
Confidence: You communicate confidently even if you’re feeling nervous or unsure.
Non-Verbal Communication: Body language plays a crucial role in assertiveness. Maintaining good eye contact, using open and relaxed body language, and having a confident posture contribute to effective assertive communication.
Setting Boundaries: Assertive people are comfortable setting and maintaining personal boundaries. They’re able to say "no" when necessary and communicate their limits.
Problem-Solving: Assertive communication involves a focus on solving problems or addressing issues rather than placing blame. It encourages collaboration and finding mutually beneficial solutions.

Examples of Assertiveness

When you’re not used to communicating assertively, it can be difficult to know how to express yourself using language that doesn’t come off as too passive or aggressive. Here are some examples of a few situations that might help:

Setting Boundaries: "I appreciate you inviting me to go out tonight, but I'm already committed to staying in and relaxing. How about we reschedule for next weekend?"
Expressing Needs: "I'm feeling overwhelmed with my workload. Could we talk about delegating some of these tasks?"
Saying No: "I appreciate you asking for my help, but I have other commitments at the moment and won't be able to assist. I hope you understand."
Disagreeing: “I see where you're coming from, but I have a different viewpoint. Let's explore our options and find a solution that works for both of us."
Negotiating: “I’m grateful for this offer, but I was hoping for something a bit higher. Would you be willing to negotiate?"

What Is Assertiveness Training?

Assertiveness training is a form of psychotherapy or a program designed to help you develop the skills and confidence to communicate effectively and stand up for yourself in a respectful way. It's about finding the middle ground between being overly passive (and letting others walk over you) and being aggressive (and pushing your needs onto others).

Key components of assertiveness training may include:

Identifying your rights and needs: Recognizing what you deserve and what you have to offer in interactions.
Communication skills: Learning how to express thoughts, feelings, and needs clearly, honestly, and directly.
Active listening: Developing the ability to listen attentively to others and respond appropriately.
Setting boundaries: Understanding and communicating personal limits and expectations.
Conflict resolution: Learning to manage conflicts in a constructive and respectful manner.
Self-awareness: Recognizing and understanding your emotions and needs.
Handling criticism and difficult conversations: Responding to feedback and disagreements constructively and assertively.
Building self-esteem: Developing a positive self-image and a sense of self-worth.

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Assertiveness vs Passive Aggressiveness

Passive aggression is behavior that is aggressive toward somebody else, meaning it intends to cause harm but is designed to minimize the appearance of anger and intention to hurt on the part of the aggressor (Hoffman, 1995).

In contrast to the directness of assertive communication, passive-aggressiveness involves an indirect expression of negative emotions, often accompanied by subtle behaviors or comments. This communication style avoids confrontation and instead conveys frustration through covert means, such as sarcasm, backhanded compliments, or subtle digs. In addition, while assertive communication is respectful, passive-aggressiveness is often disrespectful and manipulative. You aim to guilt trip the other person or make them feel responsible for your discomfort without taking ownership of your feelings.

Passive aggressiveness can create a toxic atmosphere and strain relationships. Unlike assertiveness, which aims for open dialogue, passive-aggressiveness tends to foster resentment, escalate conflicts due to its elusive and indirect nature, and contribute to toxic relationships.

What Are Assertiveness Techniques?

Use "I" Statements: Instead of saying, "You're always making me late," try saying, "I feel frustrated when we're not on time." This takes the focus off of blaming the other person and puts it on how their behavior is affecting you.
Speak Clearly and Calmly: Maintain a steady and calm tone of voice. Speaking too softly may make you appear unsure while speaking too loudly can come across as aggressive.
Active Listening: Pay attention to what the other person is saying and try to understand their point of view. This often involves nodding, paraphrasing, and asking clarifying questions. It can help you to respond in a way that is respectful and constructive.
The Fogging Technique: This technique involves acknowledging the other person's feelings without giving them any ammunition to argue with. For example, if someone is angry with you, you might say, "I understand that you're upset. Can we talk about this calmly?"
Be Persistent: If you encounter resistance or pushback, stay calm and assertive. Repeat your point if necessary, and be persistent without becoming aggressive.

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What Is Assertive Body Language?

Assertive body language is typically characterized by confident posture, direct eye contact, purposeful gestures, and a calm, composed demeanor, expressing self-assurance and respect for others. Here’s some more detail:

Eye Contact: Establishing and maintaining eye contact shows confidence and sincerity in your communication. It also conveys that you are engaged in the conversation. However, don’t stare excessively, as this can be perceived as aggressive
Facial Expressions: Maintain a calm and composed facial expression. Smile appropriately to convey warmth and approachability.
Posture: Keeping your body open and relaxed helps convey assertiveness. Standing or sitting up straight with your shoulder back shows confidence. Avoid crossing your arms or slouching, as this can be perceived as defensive.
Gestures: Use purposeful and controlled gestures to emphasize your points. Avoid fidgeting, as it can be perceived as nervousness.
Personal Space: Respect others' personal space, but also ensure you have enough space to express yourself comfortably.
Movement: Move purposefully and with confidence. Avoid excessive or erratic movements, as they can be distracting.

Assertiveness in Relationships

Assertiveness can play a big role in shaping the dynamics of relationships by fostering open communication, mutual respect, and a healthy balance of power. Because assertiveness is about expressing thoughts, feelings, and needs with clarity and honesty, it helps create an atmosphere of understanding. In addition, when both partners can communicate assertively, it helps to establish clear boundaries, allowing each person to feel valued and heard.

Assertiveness enhances intimacy and connection by reducing misunderstandings and promoting emotional transparency. Assertive partners are more likely to express appreciation, resolve conflicts constructively, and navigate challenges collaboratively. Additionally, assertiveness aids in building trust, as both people can rely on the fact that their partner will communicate openly and honestly.

Conversely, a lack of assertiveness can lead to issues such as unmet needs, resentment, and a communication breakdown. In relationships where one or both partners struggle with assertiveness, there may be a tendency to either avoid conflicts altogether or resort to aggressive communication styles. This can create a toxic environment, hindering the growth and stability of the relationship.

Types of Assertiveness

Assertiveness can be broken down into 4 types (University of Mississippi, 2020):

Basic Assertion: This is the foundation of healthy communication. It involves expressing your needs, wants, and opinions directly and clearly, using "I" statements. This helps avoid ambiguity and ensures your message is understood. Example: "I would like to discuss the project timeline. Can we schedule a meeting soon?"
Empathic Assertion: This builds upon basic assertion by acknowledging the other person's perspective before stating your needs. This demonstrates respect and understanding, fostering a more positive and collaborative environment. Example: "I know you're focused on other tasks, but I'm feeling overwhelmed with this assignment. Would you be open to discussing it briefly to clarify expectations?"
Escalating Assertion: This comes into play when your initial attempts at basic or empathic assertion are ignored or dismissed. It involves firmly restating your needs and potentially including consequences if they're not addressed. However, it's crucial to maintain a respectful and professional tone. Example: "I've already told you I'm not comfortable doing that. If you insist, I will..."
I-Language: This is a core technique within all types of assertiveness. It focuses on using "I" statements to express your feelings, thoughts, and opinions, taking ownership of your perspective without blaming or accusing others. Example: "I feel frustrated that this issue keeps recurring. Perhaps we can explore alternative solutions together."

How To Practice Being Assertive

Here are some tips to help you practice assertiveness (Mayo Clinic, 2024):

Evaluate your communication style: Determine whether you express your opinions or tend to stay silent. Ask yourself:
- Do you accept additional tasks, even when your schedule is full?
- Are you quick to pass judgment or assign blame?
- Does it seem as if people are hesitant or fearful when engaging in conversations with you?
Start saying no when appropriate: Practice asserting yourself by stating, "No, I can't do that now." Remember that 'no' is a complete sentence, and you don't need to provide a detailed explanation. Be direct and don't hesitate; say no with confidence.
Practice: It can help to prepare your responses in advance. If voicing your thoughts is challenging, rehearse potential scenarios. Say your thoughts out loud or write them down for practice. Consider role-playing with a friend or colleague for constructive feedback.
Incorporate assertive body language: Practice assertive body language in front of a mirror or with a friend. Project confidence through an upright posture and a slight forward lean. Maintain regular eye contact and a neutral or positive facial expression.
Regulate your emotions: Nobody likes conflict, and it can be hard to stay calm and level-headed. Emotions like anger or frustration are normal, but recognize that they can impede conflict resolution. If overly emotional, take a moment to collect yourself before addressing the situation. Breathe slowly, maintain an even and firm voice, and keep emotions in check.
Start small: Begin by expressing yourself assertively in low-pressure situations, like ordering food or asking for clarification at work. Gradually work your way up to more challenging scenarios.

Video: 5 Tips to Make Assertive Communication Easier and More Effective

Quotes on Assertiveness

"When you say 'yes' to others, make sure you are not saying 'no' to yourself." - Paulo Coelho
"One of the most courageous things you can do is to speak up for yourself. Not because you are guaranteed to win, but because you embrace the truth." - Maya Angelou
"The duty we owe ourselves is greater than that we owe others." - Simone de Beauvoir
"Once you have a major success with assertiveness, you learn that it's a much healthier path than being a doormat to the insensitive folks." - Barbara Johnson
"Speak your mind, even if your voice shakes." - Maggie Kuhn
"The basic difference between being assertive and being aggressive is how our words and behavior affect the rights and well-being of others." - Sharon Anthony Bower
"If you really put a small value upon yourself, rest assured that the world will not raise your price." - Jean Sibelius

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Articles Related to Assertiveness

Want to learn more about assertiveness? Check out these articles:

Books Related to Assertiveness

If you’d like to keep learning more about assertiveness, here are a few books that you might be interested in.

Final Thoughts on Assertiveness

So many of us would like to be more assertive. It can be so difficult to find that “sweet spot” of standing up for yourself and valuing your wants and needs while not crossing that line into disrespectfulness or even aggression. We seem to either worry so much about how we’re perceived that we neglect ourselves, or we bulldoze over others.

However, the good news is that assertiveness is a skill that can be learned. Developing this skill requires practice and there will likely be stumbles. But the benefits outweigh the challenges. And like any other learned skill, the more you do it, the easier it gets. So, acknowledge and celebrate your progress, take setbacks as learning opportunities, and keep refining your communication skills. As you confidently express your needs and opinions, you'll not only navigate life's challenges more effectively but also foster healthier, more respectful relationships. Embrace the power of your voice, and the world will begin to listen.

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References

Ames, D., Lee, A., & Wazlawek, A. (2017). Interpersonal assertiveness: Inside the balancing act. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 11(6), e12317.
APA. (2018, April 19). Apa Dictionary of Psychology. American Psychological Association. https://dictionary.apa.org/assertiveness
Hoffman, R. M. (1995). Silent rage: Passive-aggressive behavior in organizations. Unpublished dissertation. The Union Institute.
Lonczak, H. S. (2023, September 20). What is assertive communication? 10 real-life examples. PositivePsychology.com. https://positivepsychology.com/assertive-communication/#characteristics
Mayo Clinic. (2024, January 20). Stressed out? be assertive. https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/assertive/art-20044644
Roberts, S. (2023, August 7). Basic advantages of assertiveness: An ultimate guide. Basic Advantages of Assertiveness | An Ultimate Guide. https://www.theknowledgeacademy.com/blog/advantages-of-assertiveness/
University of Mississippi. (2020, February 11). Assertiveness. Counseling Center. https://counseling.olemiss.edu/common-student-concerns/assertiveness/

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