Insecurity: A Complete Guide

By Eser Yilmaz, M.S., Ph.D.
​Reviewed by Tchiki Davis, M.A., Ph.D.

What is insecurity? Discover the causes and types of insecurity and learn how to cope with it to live a life of authenticity and self-acceptance.

*This page may include affiliate links; that means we earn from qualifying purchases of products.

You know that feeling you get when you walk into the cafeteria on your first day at a new school, and you hesitate to sit with anyone? That’s probably you feeling insecure. There are many causes and forms of insecurity, but one thing is certain: everybody feels insecure at various points in their lives.​

Even the most confident people you know may experience waves of insecurity – it’s just part of the human experience. In this article, we’ll dive deep into insecurity. After defining what insecurity means, we will discuss its causes and signs, as well as techniques to get over it. This is the complete guide to understanding insecurity that you’ve been looking for.

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What Is Insecurity? (A Definition)

Insecurity is defined as a lack of confidence or a feeling of uncertainty and inadequacy that drives you to be anxious about yourself and your abilities. In other words, insecurity is when you find yourself short on self-confidence or self-esteem. If you often feel like a fraud waiting to be exposed despite your evident accomplishments, or you feel that you don’t deserve to be loved and that partners will eventually get bored and leave you, that’s insecurity.

You might also fear putting yourself out there and meeting new people because you feel like you don’t bring anything to the table, or you walk around most of the time feeling stupid, overweight, ugly, boring, or guilty. If that sounds like you, then you’re likely dealing with insecurity. The truth is, you’re not alone. Almost no person can avoid encountering insecurity; most of us feel insecure sometimes. Some of us feel insecure a lot of the time.
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Unfortunately, the term “insecure” is frequently used as a negative label for a person who has self-doubt but, in reality, no one is totally free from feeling insecure. We may even feel worried, frustrated, and groundless due to our insecurity. But the more we know about why we feel insecure, the easier it becomes to address it. 

​Opposite of Insecurity

Just as there are times when we feel insecure, other times we may think highly of our abilities and ourselves. Hence, the opposite of insecurity might be the feelings of self-esteem and self-confidence. 

When you have a healthy level of self-esteem, you are more likely to value yourself, stay away from negative self-talk that diminishes your worth, and feel contentment about yourself (Mruk, 1995). You treat yourself kindly. Moreover, you believe that you and your opinions matter, and you deserve happiness.

Self-confidence is similar to self-esteem, but in this case, you hold your skills, talents, and abilities in a positive light. When you feel self-confident, you recognize your strengths and weaknesses and believe you have what it takes to succeed. You have a sense of control over your judgments and actions. If you make mistakes, you use them as learning opportunities.  

When your self-confidence and self-esteem are low, you might doubt your value. You may feel like you don’t deserve happiness or success. And when you face challenges, you are more likely to declare defeat, sometimes without even trying. But where does insecurity come from, and why do we feel insecure in the first place? Let’s dig deeper.

Where Does Insecurity Come From?

The seeds of insecurity are typically planted through unpleasant experiences as children (Reck, Nonnenmacher & Zietlow, 2016) or as a result of strictly authoritarian parenting (Jadon & Tripathi, 2017). But how do these experiences during childhood make us insecure as adults? Suppose a parent constantly scolds a child. Negative comments such as “Can’t you figure anything out on your own?” “You never do anything right” or “You will do as I say!” may seem harmless in the heat of the moment. Yet, these "lessons" imprint the child’s personality the more they hear them. They may start absorbing these comments into their belief systems and begin to behave accordingly.

Similarly, consider the negative comments and attitudes parents often express toward themselves with their children around. Phrases like “I look terrible in this” and “I’m so fat” can significantly influence the child, even if not expressed directly toward the child. 

Moreover, the absence of a parent can also cause children to feel insecure. A child may blame herself for the parent being absent or unwilling to provide love and care for her. She may believe that she must have caused this situation or that something must be wrong with her. These feelings may cause the child to think that she’s unworthy and insignificant.

Why Do People Feel Insecure?

So, how do our negative childhood experiences lead to insecurity in adulthood?  No matter how insignificant they seem or how many years pass by, these experiences can make us feel insecure as adults because they give rise to an inner voice criticizing everything we do. This inner critic not only repeats the hurtful phrases from earlier life but also tends to come up with new ones. 

In her book Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice, Dr. Lisa Firestone wrote: “The critical inner voice is formed out of painful early life experiences in which we witnessed or experienced hurtful attitudes toward us or those close to us. As we grow up, we unconsciously adopt and integrate this pattern of destructive thoughts toward ourselves and others.”

In collaboration with her psychologist father, Dr. Robert Firestone, she used the Firestone Assessment for Self-Destructive Thoughts (FAST) tool to evaluate people’s “critical inner voices” (Firestone & Firestone, 2006). The father-daughter team found that people’s most common self-critical thought toward themselves is being different, not in a positive sense but rather in a hostile, alienating manner.
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Whether our self-esteem is low or high, many of us tend to compare, judge, and evaluate ourselves too harshly. The only way for us to challenge such self-directed toxicity and overcome the destructive limitations caused by our inner critic is to understand where this insecurity stems from, why we feel the need to put ourselves down constantly, and how this negativity affects our lives.

Signs of Insecurity

Can you tell if someone is insecure? Undoubtedly, experiencing any type of insecurity can significantly influence how we behave. In fact, many behaviors and thought patterns are associated with feeling insecure. Here is a list that includes the most common signs of insecurity.  

• Acting needy, clingy, or jealous in relationships.
  
• Jealousy of others’ looks, relationships, or success
  
• Dismissing the success of others
  
• Frequent self-deprecating jokes 
  
• Looking down on others
  
• Lots of bragging
  
• Seeking approval and praise
  
• Being overly competitive or perfectionist
  
• Giving excuses for criticizing others
  
• Feeling overwhelmed quickly due to a lack of confidence in skills and abilities
  

• Procrastination on challenging tasks
  
• Being bad at losing and equally bad at winning
  
• Obsession with keeping up appearances
  

As you may have noticed, some behaviors seem inconsistent with feeling insecure, such as lots of bragging. Indeed, insecurity manifests in some people through behaviors that try to prove how perfect they are. Hence, certain behaviors attempt to cover up the deep-rooted insecurity and paint a rosy picture, whereas others serve to reassure the insecure person.

What Are the Types of Insecurity?​

You may feel confident in certain aspects of your life and feel insecure in others at the same time. This phenomenon has to do with the fact that insecurity comes in various forms. The following are the three most common types of insecurity, along with some tips on how to cope with them:

1. Insecurity Based on Rejection or Recent Failure

Rejection and recent setbacks or failures can impact both our attitude towards life and how we feel about ourselves. Without a doubt, many of us feel like failures after a break-up or an involuntary job loss and nurse our wounds of rejection. Indeed, some of the most significant events that negatively affect our happiness are ending a relationship and job loss.

Since unhappiness influences our self-esteem, experiencing failure and rejection can deliver a major blow to your confidence. The thing about rejection is that we end up viewing ourselves and others in a more negative light, even if it’s only for a while.

Those of us who already struggle with lower self-esteem are more vulnerable when it comes to failure. It’s as if an incident like losing your job or your significant other causes old negative thoughts about your self-worth to resurface. 

So what can we do if we deal with rejection or failure? It may help to understand that failure is a learning experience, and so is rejection. Hence, learning what we can and pushing through can be a path toward success. Remember, before becoming president, Abraham Lincoln lost his job, was defeated for nomination to Congress, and failed twice in Senate bids!
 
Here Are Some Tips You Can Follow To Overcome Rejection- Or Failure-based Insecurity

• Allow yourself time to heal and adapt to the new situation.
• Approach people whom you trust for feedback.
• Reach out to friends and family for distraction and reassurance.
• Get out and welcome new challenges that relate to your interests.
• Learn from mistakes and failures.
• Keep moving towards your personal goals.
• Be open to trying a different strategy if necessary.

 
2. Perfectionism-Driven Insecurity
Sticking to high standards for the things we do isn’t bad. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to get the highest grades, the best job, the perfect figure, the largest apartment or house, neat and polite kids, or a loving and devoted partner. Unfortunately, life doesn’t always follow the plan we have in mind, even if we work extra hard to make it happen. There’s a possibility that you may get an outcome that’s at least somewhat out of your control.

Your boss may be too critical, and jobs may not line up at your door. Partners may have commitment issues, and your genes may make it difficult for you to lose weight. If you keep getting frustrated and blaming yourself for falling short of your “perfect,” you may inevitably feel insecure. Trying your best and working hard are good aspects of perfectionism, but constantly beating yourself up and worrying about not being good enough can cause depression, anxiety, eating disorders, or chronic fatigue. 
 
Here Are Some Ways To Help You Fight Perfectionism-driven Insecurity​

• When you evaluate your performance and progress, try to do it based on the amount of effort you put in rather than the results. You see, the first is an aspect you can control, but the outcome is dependent on external factors.
• Perfectionism is all about an “all-or-nothing” mindset. So, your mission is to find the grey areas in between. Is there a more understanding way to view an issue? Are you considering your unique circumstances when evaluating yourself?
• Think about the actual difference it would make if you fulfilled every one of your perfectionism urges. Would the time and energy spent triple-checking or answering every single email really change anything? 
• Try to steer away from conditional self-esteem. This is when you like yourself... as long as you’re on top and dislike yourself the moment things don't go the way you planned.
• Can you learn to appreciate yourself even when things aren’t perfect? Try to focus on inner qualities like your personality traits, sincerity, or good morals instead of only on how much money you’re making or how many people like your picture on social media.

Video: Saving Yourself the Cost of Insecurity ​

3. Social Insecurity
Many of us encounter social insecurity in the form of a lack of confidence in social situations such as parties, presentations, dates, family gatherings, and job interviews. The fear of being judged by others and deemed lacking can cause us to experience negative emotions like anxiousness and self-consciousness. As a result, people may end up avoiding social events altogether. If they decide to go, they suffer from anticipation anxiety or feel self-conscious and awkward during them.

Certain experiences can amplify your feelings of inferiority, irrelevancy, boringness, and not belonging. In such situations, insecure people often revisit traumas of being bullied or excluded from a group of friends in school, where the adverse effects of these experiences take a toll on their confidence as adults. In some cases, people’s insecurities make them overly cautious around others.

Growing up with critical parents may also cause you to be overly concerned with what others think of you. Here, the feeling of insecurity is generally built upon false beliefs regarding your self-worth and how people evaluate you.

The truth is, most of the time, people are too busy trying to properly present themselves to spend that much time judging others. In fact, those who do a lot of judging are often trying to cover up their own insecurities.
 
Here Are Some Tips To Help You Overcome Insecurity in Social Situations​

• Don’t let your inner critic run the show. Remind yourself of all the traits that make you interesting, unique, and fun or the qualities that’d make you a good friend or partner.
• Take the time to prepare beforehand. Think of some topics that you like and feel comfortable talking about, which can be anything from current events or your job to movies you’ve watched or hobbies you enjoy.
• Try to challenge yourself socially by setting a realistic goal. For example, you might aim to talk to three new people or get to know one person’s profession and hobbies. 
• Deliberately direct your attention towards others to avoid focusing too much on your own insecurity. Observe what other people seem to be feeling and how they’re conducting themselves. Are there any skills you can learn from them?
• Know that avoiding social situations will just make your insecurity worse. So, put yourself out there and go on a date or attend a party, even if you're feeling nervous. Your anxiety should gradually drop the more you're engaged with others.

Video: Feeling Insecure? This Video Will Change Everything

What Is Relationship Insecurity?

Indeed, one of the most common insecurities we observe involves our relationships. This isn’t surprising, given that one of the root causes of insecurity is our negative interactions with our caregivers and other adults. Any negative thoughts and dysfunctional relationship patterns that we are exposed to as children can long reverberate in our adult minds and influence our relationships with others.

Even people who grew up in the most supportive and loving families can have relationship insecurities. In this case, we may absorb negative views about ourselves and relationships from our larger circles and social media. To make matters worse, we might have even had past relationships when we weren’t treated with all the love and respect we deserved. As a result, we may lose our self-esteem and feel less than others; less attractive, less unique, less worthy of a good relationship (Murray, 1998).

So, what does relationship insecurity look like? These insecurities can manifest in various ways. For instance, some people may settle with partners they aren’t aligned with or stay in dysfunctional relationships. Others may behave in controlling or needy ways toward their partners, fearing that the person they love doesn’t love them as much and will cheat on them or leave them at the first opportunity. Yet, other people might hop from one short relationship to another, resisting long-term commitments to avoid heartbreak.  

It’s normal to have some misunderstandings in our relationships or have occasional doubts about the stability of what we have. Yet, if our relationships, and therefore we, suffer because we feel insecure, we might need to think about the causes of our insecurity. The best thing to do would be to be open about our feelings and discuss them with our partners or other people we trust. If needed, couples therapy and individual therapy may help us overcome problems due to our insecurities.

Examples of Insecurity

Sometimes it can be hard to realize when our loved ones or we are insecure. Nevertheless, insecurity can be found all around us and manifests in many ways. Here are a few examples that illustrate insecure behaviors from everyday life. 

Job insecurity: Raul’s company decided to outsource customer service calls. Therefore, Raul was laid off from his customer call center job after more than fifteen years of service. Raul found a similar position and hesitated about negotiating his salary and accepted a pay lower than what employees with his skills and experience typically asked for. At his new job, Raul took on additional duties without extra pay and worked as hard as possible. Every time he received an e-mail from upper management, he felt his heart race as if he was being let go again. 

Body insecurity: While growing up, Ursula looked nothing like her graceful cousin Gisele. Their grandmother always referred to Gisele as “my pretty swan” and Ursula as “my little bear.” Even though everyone thought grandma’s nicknames were cute, Ursula wished she could be a “pretty swan” as well. For years, she has tried every fad diet to keep her weight under control. As an adult, Ursula is thinner than when she was in middle school. She often criticizes other women who are not as thin and unwilling to go on an everlasting diet.

Social insecurity: Jim was a lanky child who was often bullied and pushed around by athletic kids at school. Other kids watched or laughed, and Jim never became close friends with anyone while growing up. Jim still prefers to keep to himself and doesn’t open up to people he meets. When someone tries to make small talk, he gets suspicious and believes that they must be acting friendly to sell him something.

Relationship and body insecurity: Liang had a happy childhood with loving parents. However, when she was a teenager, her father left her mother for a woman slightly older than Liang. Now in her forties, Liang has a great career and a loving husband. For years, Liang and her husband had a great marriage. Yet, lately, Liang has undergone several cosmetic procedures. She’s also been increasingly hostile toward her husband anytime he fails to text her back immediately or doesn’t pick up her calls after the first ring. ​

How To Overcome Insecurities

As you have learned, insecurity can be challenging. But, on the bright side, you can learn skills that help you manage your insecurity. Here are a few skill-building activities to get you started:

• Find your positive qualities
• Explore your best self
• Shifting your attention to the positive

If your insecurities persist or interfere with your daily life, you may find it helpful to talk to a friend or loved one you trust. Knowing you and your situation, this person may be able to assist you or give you some guidance on how to resolve issues related to your insecurities.

If you still struggle with insecurity or harbor negative emotions such as self-hatred or you feel depressed, consider talking to a mental health professional. A qualified therapist can help you explore your insecurities and develop tools to cope with their effects.

Insecurity Quotes

• “A lack of transparency results in distrust and a deep sense of insecurity.” - Dalai Lama
  
• “Most bad behavior comes from insecurity.” - Debra Winger
  
• “I have self-doubt. I have insecurity. I have fear of failure. I have nights when I show up at the arena and I'm like, 'My back hurts, my feet hurt, my knees hurt. I don't have it. I just want to chill.' We all have self-doubt. You don't deny it, but you also don't capitulate to it. You embrace it.” - Kobe Bryant
  
• “I think we are all insecure, and there is nothing wrong in accepting that. But the problem arises when we try to counter this insecurity by cultivating this illusion of control, and we start taking ourselves and everything we know too seriously.” - Sushant Singh Rajput
  
• “I had to confront my fears and master my every demonic thought about inferiority, insecurity, or the fear of being black, young, and gifted in this Western culture.” - Lauryn Hill
  
• “Vanity can apply to both insecurity and egotism. So I distance myself, because I feel everything.” - Taylor Swift
  
• “Anger is a manifestation of a deeper issue... and that, for me, is based on insecurity, self-esteem and loneliness.” - Naomi Campbell
  
• “Hollywood's built on insecurity. People are trying to prove things. And I probably have that. I probably do. Probably guilty of it, in a way.” - Zach Galifianakis
  

Articles Related to Insecurity​

​Want to learn more? Check out these articles:

• Inadequacy: Definition & Overcoming These Feelings
• ​Self-Concept: Definition, Examples, & Psychology Theories
  
• ​Imposter Syndrome: Definition, Causes, & How to Deal With It​​​

Books Related to Insecurity​

If you’d like to keep learning more, here are a few books that you might be interested in.

• Crush your Insecurities: A radical way to approach modern-aged insecurities, understand them and elevate our self-confidence​
• The Wisdom of Insecurity: A Message for an Age of Anxiety
• ​I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't): Making the Journey from "What Will People Think?" to "I Am Enough"

Final Thoughts on Insecurity

Everybody feels insecure one way or another; it’s just a part of life. The way you deal with it makes all the difference to your well-being. The key is to refrain from judging others, lashing out, complaining, procrastinating, or shutting yourself off when in a place of insecurity. Instead, try to accept yourself with compassion, which will help you build your self-esteem and confidence.

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References

• Firestone, R., & Firestone, L. A. (2006). FAST, Firestone Assessment of Self-destructive Thoughts, FASI, Firestone Assessment of Suicidal Intent: Professional Manual. Psychological Assessment Resources, Incorporated.
• Jadon, P. S., & Tripathi, S. (2017). Effect of Authoritarian Parenting style on self esteem of the Child: A Systematic Review. International Journal of Advanced Research and Innovative Ideas, 3, 909-913.
• Murray, S. L., Holmes, J. G., MacDonald, G., & Ellsworth, P. C. (1998). Through the looking glass darkly? When self-doubts turn into relationship insecurities. Journal of personality and social psychology, 75(6), 1459.
• Mruk, C. (1995). Self-Esteem: Research, Theory, and Practice. Springer.
• Reck, C., Nonnenmacher, N., & Zietlow, A. L. (2016). Intergenerational transmission of internalizing behavior: The role of maternal psychopathology, child responsiveness and maternal attachment style insecurity. Psychopathology, 49(4), 277-284.

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