Commitment Issues: Definition, Types, & Causes

By Charlie Huntington, M.A., Ph.D. Candidate
​Reviewed by Tchiki Davis, M.A., Ph.D.
People can have commitment issues for both internal and external reasons. Either way, commitment issues can get in the way of happy relationships. Let’s look at the science behind commitment issues.
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My graduate school mentor, from whom I have learned a great deal about both research and clinical work, has been a practicing couple therapist for many years. One of the first things she told me about working with couples is that many of her clients were couples in their 20s and 30s who came to her seeking help with a paradox: “We can’t decide whether we should break up or get married.”​
I was confused by this pattern until I realized I was living it out myself. I was dating and living with someone whom I loved very much and felt very dedicated to… and yet I wasn’t sure it made sense to commit to each other for life. We cared deeply for each other, but we still had our doubts.

If this is a familiar situation for you, know that you’re not alone. Psychologists have done plenty of research to understand why commitment issues happen in relationships. With this article, I hope to share with you that research so you can better understand why there might be stuck points in your relationship or the relationships around you.​
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What Are Commitment Issues? (A Definition)

To define commitment issues, we first need to define commitment. Commitment is “a sustained intent to remain in a relationship” (Arriaga et al., 2007, p. 389). Knowing this, we can then define commitment issues as difficulties in choosing to commit to another person, or difficulties in staying committed to another person. Those difficulties might take the form of planning to leave the relationship, not seeing the relationship as long-term, or not feeling especially attached to one’s partner (Le & Agnew, 2003).  
 
Commitment Levels
Commitment issues can also arise when the people in the relationship have different levels of commitment to the relationship (Stanley et al., 2017), or when people are more or less committed than they “should” be (Brault-Labbe et al., 2017). This might occur because of stressful life circumstances that don’t necessarily have anything to do with the relationship (Labonte et al., 2023). For example, a person might become over-committed to their romantic relationship when a close family member dies and the person begins to rely too much on the romantic relationship for support. On the other hand, somebody working extra hours at a stressful job might be under-committed to their partner because their work demands take away from their ability to invest in the relationship. This kind of under-commitment is a common concern in couples seeking help with their relationship from a therapist (Bergeron et al., 2020).
 
Yet another way to think about commitment issues is to break down commitment into two separate components: dedication and constraints (Stanley & Markman, 1992). 

  • Dedication is our genuine desire to freely choose to spend time with a person and invest in the relationship. 
  • By contrast, constraints are the characteristics of the relationship that compel us to stay together, such as being on the same lease, sharing a pet, or having lots of mutual friends. These things go together to determine how committed we are to our partners.

Commitment Issues Signs

Mismatches in our dedication and constraints can lead to commitment issues (Stanley et al., 2017). For example, if a couple gets along great, loves spending time together, and sees themselves as highly compatible, but only one of them wants to move in with the other, the partner who is hesitant to live together may have commitment issues.
 
A common sign of commitment issues in general is a mismatch between a person’s apparent desires for the relationship and their actions. For example, if I tell my partner often that I want to spend more time with her, but rarely suggest ways to do so, this mismatch suggests I may be experiencing commitment issues.​

What Causes Commitment Issues?

Commitment issues can be caused by characteristics of the relationship or the individuals involved.
 
Many psychologists look at commitment issues through the lens of the Investment Model (Rusbult, 1980), which was developed by psychologist Caryl Rusbult. Rusbult said that commitment could be predicted by how satisfied a person was by the relationship, how likely they were to get their needs met by somebody else, and how much they would lose if the relationship ended. This model has been shown to explain a lot of people’s thinking and decision-making around their relationships (Le & Agnew, 2003).
 
For example, a person who is highly satisfied by their relationship, sees few other people around them whom they believe could provide them that satisfaction, and who would lose a lot if the relationship ended, is going to be highly committed to their partner. At the same time, commitment issues will arise if the reverse is true in any of these three categories. Being unsatisfied with the relationship, thinking that many other people would be equally good or better partners, or having very little invested in the relationship that you might lose if it ended – any and all of these can lead to commitment issues.

Commitment Issues & Attachment Style
Commitment issues can also have their origins in one’s attachment style. Our attachment styles are the working models we have in our heads for what relationships look like – based mostly on the important relationships we had growing up – so they are related to how we relate to each other (Hazan & Shaver, 1994). Specifically, people with avoidant or anxious attachment styles can manifest issues with commitment, although in different ways. 

People with an avoidant attachment style tend to be afraid of, and therefore avoid, getting too close to others. Thus, when a relationship is going well and seems ready for more commitment, they may hesitate to show that commitment. On the other hand, people with anxious attachment styles get worried that the people with whom they are in a relationship are not actually as committed or loving as they seem. They may ask again and again that their partner demonstrate their commitment and love. This can become a commitment issue, as their partner may be asked to demonstrate more commitment than they are ready to (Etcheverry et al., 2013).
 
In this way, people with insecure attachment styles perceive their relationships as being threatening – either there is too much commitment going on for them, or not enough. The way they respond to this fact can actually make things worse, and definitely influences whether they under-commit or over-commit to the relationship (Labonte et al., 2023).​

Types of Commitment Issues

We can break down commitment issues into three types: being under-committed, being over-committed, or having a mismatch in how committed the partners are (Brault-Labbe et al., 2017; Stanley et al., 2017).
 
Undercommitment
Undercommitted people put less energy into the relationship, show less interest in the relationship, or may be so challenged by negative interactions in the relationship that they avoid getting more committed (Labonte et al., 2023). For example, a dating app user may see so many potential partners out there that it is difficult to commit to any particular person (D’Angelo & Toma, 2017). They may get stuck in a pattern of what some researchers call relationshopping, almost like relationships are happening in a marketplace where it is hard to pick just one item out of hundreds of options (Heino, 2010). It seems that relationships appear less valuable and more disposable when we think there are many options (Finkel & Eastwick, 2009).
 
Overcommitment
By contrast, over-committed people put more time and energy into the relationship than is healthy, often sacrificing in other areas of their lives to an unhealthy extent. They may not be getting their needs met in other relationships, think that there will never be a partner as good as this one, or think they stand to lose a great deal if the relationship ends (Rusbult, 1980). As a result, they may try to build the commitment in the relationship beyond the point that it is ready for. Somebody in this situation might ask their relatively new partner to go on a long vacation with them, or ask their partner to move in together before the partner is ready. They may also feel trapped in the relationship, if for example they are financially dependent on the partner (Stanley & Markman, 1992).
 
Differences in Commitment
Finally, differences in commitment levels between two partners may generate commitment issues. There is an imbalance in commitment across partners in a large percentage of romantic relationships (Stanley et al., 2017), and this may lead to relationship conflict as the couple tries to establish how committed their relationship will be.​

Commitment Issues in Relationships

Commitment issues happen primarily in relationships, although they can take place in other contexts, too, such as between a person and their job. In addition to all the reasons given above, commitment issues can result from general conflict in relationships. For example, whether or not couples are able to navigate conflicts, repair trust, and forgive each other can determine how much they are able to commit to each other (Wieselquist, 2009). Similarly, if one person starts to feel lonely in the relationship, and this is not addressed, they may feel less dedication to their partner over time (Burke & Segrin, 2014), which can cause commitment issues.​

Commitment Issues in Females

Research suggests that when commitment levels are imbalanced in relationships, at least in the context of heterosexual unions, it is more often the woman who is more committed than her male partner (Stanley et al., 2017). Thus, many women find themselves facing the commitment issue of a partner who is not able, willing, or interested in matching their commitment levels.

Commitment Issues in Guys

Many men experience fear of intimacy or being controlled – this may explain why they endorse fear of commitment at higher rates than women do (Sweet, 1995) and are more “dismissing” of their partners in intimate moments than women (Schmitt et al., 2003). This difference may be related to the common reality that a man’s romantic partner is often his primary source of social and emotional support, while women typically have more relationships to lean on (Dykstra & Fokkema, 2007). Since in this sense, the stakes are higher for many men when they choose to commit to a partner, it maybe should not surprise us that men report being less ready than women, on average, to commit to a relationship (Lange et al., 2022).
 
For more reasons why men may have commitment issues, I recommend watching this video:​

Video: 4 Reasons Why Men Have Commitment Issues

How to Fix Commitment Issues

To fix commitment issues in a relationship, one needs to know where the relationship is lacking for the person with the commitment issues (Rusbult, 1980). For example, a person who sees lots of possible alternative partners around them may need to get more in touch with what makes their current partner uniquely suited to them, or make a concerted effort to avoid paying attention to those possible alternatives. A person who is not satisfied with the relationship may need to advocate for more of what they want in the relationship. And a person who is not investing much time or energy in the relationship may want to examine their own fears or concerns about getting close to another person. Or, the couple may need to address conflicts that have gone unresolved and diminished trust in the relationship (Wieselquist et al., 1999).

Commitment Issues After Divorce

While people who have gotten divorced can enjoy subsequent marriages that are just as satisfying or more so than their first marriages, they do appear more comfortable contemplating divorce than people on their first marriage (Whitton et al., 2013), which suggests that they may be more susceptible to commitment issues.

Therapy for Commitment Issues

​Depending on the situation, both individual and couples therapy can be used to help resolve commitment issues. Typical challenges in this context include disagreements about how much to commit to each other, challenges of cultural differences, and changing patterns of relating that were developed at an earlier age (Coy & Miller, 2014).

Articles Related to Commitment Issues

​Want to learn more? Check out these articles:

Books Related to Commitment Issues

If you’d like to keep learning more, here are a few books that you might be interested in.

Final Thoughts on Commitment Issues

I can think of few couples that have not faced commitment issues at some point. Relationships can be our greatest source of fulfillment, but also fear. I encourage you to have patience with your own and others’ challenges in committing to relationships.

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