Codependency: Definition, Examples, Symptoms, & Recovery

By Charlie Huntington, M.A., Ph. D. Candidate
​Reviewed by Tchiki Davis, M.A., Ph.D.
Codependency is when we invest way too much in our relationships. How do you know if this is happening? What does it look like? How do you stop? Read on to find out.
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Looking back on a previous romantic relationship of mine, through the lens of time, personal growth, and therapy, I can see a number of unhealthy patterns. My moods were mostly determined by my girlfriend’s; if she was having a good day, I was having a good day. If she was in a negative mood, I saw it as my responsibility to fix it. 
I couldn’t stand to see her upset. I would sacrifice my own comfort and plans to make sure things were good for her. And if my needs came into conflict with hers, I bet you can guess who compromised first, and more.

Does anything in my story ring a bell for you? Maybe you have found yourself slipping into patterns like these in relationships with lovers, friends, or family. Why would you or I do these things? What do we get out of focusing so much on somebody else’s needs? And how might we stop acting this way, stop being what therapists would call ‘codependent’? Read on for symptoms and examples of codependency and steps you can take to recover from being codependent.
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What Is Codependency? (A Definition)

Therapists and psychologists have come up with many definitions for codependency. Consistent across these definitions are several key elements (Dear et al., 2004). 
  • First, people who are codependent are far more focused on others’ experiences than their own. 
  • Second, people who are codependent are self-sacrificing to a degree that is often clearly unhealthy. 
  • Third, people who are codependent experience lots of interpersonal conflict, often because they want to control how others are feeling. 
  • Finally, people who are codependent suppress their own emotions because they are afraid of how their emotions will impact others.

Codependency Causes

Understanding why people become codependent can explain many codependent behaviors. It is generally thought that people’s early life experiences shape their tendency to become codependent (Weiss, 2019). In particular, people who do not get their attachment needs met in childhood seem more likely to end up in relationships in adulthood where they will replay the same experiences.
 
For example, if a parent is emotionally immature and relies on their child for emotional support, that child may grow up to seek out relationships with similarly emotionally immature people. In those relationships, that person experiences being needed – and being let down in their needs – in the same ways that they were as a child (Weiss, 2019). Such a person becomes dependent on the relationship to meet their needs, even though it does not truly meet their needs. It’s thought that these childhood experiences, in combination with personality traits that make people more susceptible to becoming dependent on others, are what create and sustain codependency (Wright & Wright, 1991).
 
It is important to know that the idea of codependency was developed to describe a particular group of people – the wives of alcoholics – in the middle of the twentieth century (O’Brien & Gaborit, 1992). Although in some ways this term was used to pathologize those women, it became more popular and applied more broadly to people who are unhealthily attached to and dependent on their close relationships.

Codependency Signs & Symptoms

Although codependency looks different for each person, there are common signs and symptoms that might suggest you or somebody else is codependent (Bacon et al., 2020; Spann & Fischer, 1990; Wells et al., 1999):

1)    Defining oneself through relationships. If you have a hard time thinking of yourself as anything other than somebody’s child, partner, or parent, you may be codependent with that person. A good question you can ask here is, “If I didn’t have this relationship in my life anymore, would it be difficult to say who I am, or what my purpose in life is?”

2)    Holding feelings back. If you live in fear of having your own emotions negatively impact the people close to you, because you can’t bear the thought of being the cause of their discomfort or unhappiness, you may be overly invested in their emotions, and not putting enough value on your own emotions.

3)    Your emotions depend on somebody else’s emotions. If your life feels out of control because you can only be happy when somebody else is, so you find yourself trying really hard to make sure they’re happy, you may be codependent.

4)    You experienced parentification or abandonment as a child. Many people who grow up to be codependent had to start caring for others at an early age. This is sometimes called parentification. If it ever seemed like you were the parent in your household – like you had to parent your own parents – you may be at risk of becoming codependent with others. Similarly, being neglected or abandoned as a child can make people want to control their adult relationships as much as possible, leading to codependency as well.
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5)    You have low self-esteem and experience lots of shame. When people don’t feel deserving of relationships, they may try to please others, becoming dependent on validation from those relationships. Over time, this develops into deriving a sense of self-worth primarily from how you make other people feel.

Codependency Attachment Style

If you are familiar with attachment styles – our ways of relating to other people – you might not be surprised to learn that people who are codependent have trouble forming healthy and secure attachments to other people (Reyome & Ward, 2007). People who are codependent do not trust that their relationships are stable; they do not trust that they have the ability to maintain intimacy. For this reason, they may show the characteristics of anxious attachment (Springer et al., 1998), being overly attentive to their loved ones and seeking constant reassurance that things are okay in the relationship.

Opposite of Codependency

You might expect that the opposite of codependency is being completely independent, but I do not think this is a helpful way to think about healthy relationships. The opposite of codependency is interdependence, where one depends on other people but maintains healthy boundaries in relationships (Hemfelt et al., 2003).

Codependency Triangle

The codependency triangle (Karpman, 1968) is a helpful way of understanding how codependency develops and gets reinforced over time. Karpman proposed that in dysfunctional relationships, people can cycle between three roles: victim, rescuer, and persecutor. In the case of codependency, two people can get stuck in the roles of rescuer and victim. One person enables and tries too hard to care for the other, who is cast in the role of a needy victim (Bowen, 1978).

Examples of Codependency (With Parents, Friends, & in Relationships)

Codependency can be present in almost any close relationship – between two relatives, two lovers, or two friends.
 
Romantic relationships characterized by codependency have more conflict, are perceived by the partners as more stressful, and are viewed more negatively by people outside the relationship (Happ et al., 2022). After a certain point, the more dependent two partners are on each other, the poorer the outcomes for the relationship (Chmielewska, 2012).
 
For examples of codependency across relationships, it can be helpful to think of times when people have trouble differentiating between themselves and their loved ones (Lampis et al., 2017). For example, a parent who cannot bear the thought of their child experiencing failure or pain, and who as a result never lets the child try anything that might be challenging, might be codependent with their child. In this case, the parent’s emotions are so fused with the emotions of their child that they are not differentiating between themselves and the child.
 
Between two friends, codependency could manifest as intense jealousy and controlling behaviors when one friend tries to set and uphold relationship boundaries. Think of a person who becomes excited about a new hobby, only to have their friend, who fears losing time together, vigorously talk down the hobby and discourage them from doing it.
 
For more examples of how codependency looks in relationships, you could watch the following video:

Video: Codependency: When Relationships Become Everything

Codependency Issues

Codependency manifests as all kinds of relationship issues. People who score high on measures of codependency also report having trouble communicating, navigating different relationship roles, expressing emotions, and letting go of control (Cullen & Carr, 1999). Perhaps as a result, they often have fewer social supports and a harder time coping with life’s challenges (Bhowmick et al., 2001).

Is Codependency an Addiction?

​Codependency is not an addiction, strictly speaking, as addictions are usually defined as extreme relationships with a specific substance or behavior. However, since codependency is an extreme behavior learned over time, and sometimes transmitted across generations, it functions similarly to an addiction in many ways (Cullen & Carr, 1999). In the sense of being extremely dependent on one source for one’s social, emotional, and even physical needs, codependency can look much like an addiction.

Codependency Personality Disorder

Codependencey is not a personality disorder that can be diagnosed. However, it has many characteristics in common with the diagnoses of dependent personality disorder and borderline personality disorder (Disney, 2013; Hoenigmann-Lion & Whitehead, 2007).
 
People with dependent personality disorder are terrified of being abandoned, so they engage in clinging and needy behavior to get others to take care of them. They have trouble making decisions, fear disapproval and disagreement, and fear being alone. People with borderline personality disorder are similarly afraid of being alone or abandoned, but are more likely to react with anger and impulsivity when they think their relationships are threatened (American Psychiatric Association, 2013). While these individuals may share traits with people who are codependent, they are not necessarily codependent, and there is no formal diagnosis of codependency.

How to Overcome Codependency

Codependency & Setting Boundaries
Setting boundaries is a central – although very difficult – task in overcoming codependency (Gemin, 1997). For example, parents of children who are addicted to drugs may sometimes have to make the painful decision to cut off contact with their children. This can help the parents break a pattern of going to greater and greater lengths to help their children, enabling them in the process, and help their children break a pattern of counting on their parents to handle these situations (Rotunda & Doman, 2001).
 
What does setting boundaries look like? It looks like starting to take care of oneself before taking care of others (Beattie, 2008). The parent of a person in addiction might need to stop supporting their child because their own financial security is at risk. A teen who regularly covers up for her older sister’s transgressions, even as it gets her into more and more trouble, would benefit from recognizing how she is enabling her older sister and setting a boundary around her own needs.

Codependency Healing & Recovery

Perhaps the most important step in healing from codependency is recognizing it in oneself (Gemin, 1997), because there are abundant resources for people who identify themselves as codependent. For example, there are Twelve Step support groups specifically for people who are codependent. In these spaces, people get support in thinking through how much to commit to relationships and how to prioritize their own needs (Irvine, 1995).
 
Healing from codependence means taking a renewed interest in oneself (Hazelden, 2014). It does not require ending relationships, but it does mean resetting those relationships, often at great emotional cost. After all, both parties in a codependent relationship have become very enmeshed in their dynamic (Weiss, 2019).

Codependency Therapy & Treatment

If you are interested in more formal treatment for codependency, it may help to know that it can take the form of group, family, or individual therapy (Abadi et al., 2015). Across all these treatment types, emphasis is placed on changing how the codependent person sees themselves and thinks about relationships.

Articles Related to Codependency

Want to learn more? Here are some related articles that might be helpful.

Books Related to Codependency

To keep learning, here are some books to explore:​​

Final Thoughts on Codependency

Investing in relationships and relying on others is natural and healthy. As you might have noticed, most of the advice about healing from codependency emphasizes changing relationships, not ending them. If you think you or somebody you know is in a codependent relationship, understand that this is a common situation, with plenty of support and even community to heal in. Many people have healed from codependency and live in healthier relationships with better boundaries.

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