How to Get Over Disappointment: Examples and Strategies

What is disappointment? Discover what disappointment is all about and learn how to overcome the emotions that come with disappointment.

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Whether it be getting rejected in a job interview, failing a test we’ve studied all night for, or losing the lottery, disappointment often crops up in our lives. When we feel disappointment, we may feel that crushing, gut-wrenching let down that zaps our energy.

But why do we feel disappointed in the first place? Why does disappointment hurt so much? And more importantly, how do we get over disappointment?

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What Is Disappointment? (Disappointment Definition)

Disappointment is thought to be displeasure or a feeling of being let down caused by the nonfulfillment of one's hopes or expectations. In fact, the more expectations we have—for people's behavior, for our life outcomes, for day-to-day experiences, etc...—the more disappointed we are likely to feel. Although disappointment can feel inevitable, there are actions we can take and mindsets we can adopt to limit the amount of disappointment we feel and help our disappointments resolve more quickly.

Why We Feel Disappointment

Disappointment is an emotion that is thought to stimulate the parasympathetic nervous system, which is the bodily system responsible for the body's rest and digestion response. Although this response helps us feel calmness and contentment, it can also result in melancholy, inertia, and feelings of hopelessness. It may also involve feeling powerless and wanting to do nothing (Zeelenberg et al., 1998).

"Disappointment is a profound way in which sadness is experienced." Mary C. Lamia, Ph.D., wrote in Psychology Today. "People seem to do whatever they can to avoid recognizing that they are disappointed, and will twist their thinking every which way to not recognize a true disappointment."

Indeed, more often than not, we avoid acknowledging our disappointment because it comes with finality. It forces us to admit that we didn't get what we wished to have. In fact, it may be easier to turn to anger than accept the reality of what disappointment brings.

The Psychological Set-up for Disappointment

You expect a particular outcome.
You may believe that you deserve this outcome.
You might fantasize about what your life would be like alongside the outcome.
You're surprised, angered, let down (i.e., disappointed) when you don't receive the outcome you hoped for.
You may feel secondary emotions like resentment towards others or the situation.
You may have secondary thoughts of self-loathing or blame depending on your particular projection style (outward-facing or inward-facing).

Undoing The Disappointment Process

You might notice that there are ways to intervene in each of the step listed above and slow down the snowball effect that leads to disappointment. Here is how you might shift the process at each of these steps:

Practice going with the flow and letting go of rigid expectations.
Try not to attach your self-concept to any particular outcome. You are a worthy and valuable human no matter what the outcome.
Visualization can be a great tool for manifestation. When visualizing, just be sure not to hold too tight to your goals. Aim for flexibility so you can be more adaptable.
You may still experience some disappointment, but this is the moment to practice trying out new mindsets. For example, you might try to focus on the things you're thankful for or how you might use this moment to accelerate your personal growth.
It is common for one negative emotion to trigger others. If you find negative emotions washing over you, just try to maintain presence and let them flow over you (so they don't get stuck).
If someone else caused your disappointment, try to practice radical forgiveness, remembering that all experiences have the benefit of promoting self-growth.

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Why Disappointment Hurts So Much

Disappointment hurts both physically and mentally. No matter how much we experience it, the pain doesn't seem to hurt any less. Some of us feel tired, heavy, and emotionally numb, while others feel like the world is going too fast around them. But why does this happen? Why does it hurt?

Interestingly, physical pain and social pain actually share regions in the brain (Eisenberger, 2012). So, physical pain can manifest as emotional pain and vice versa (Schubiner & Betzold, 2010). So disappointment might actually give us a pain in the neck, muscle tension, or even ongoing somatic challenges.

The Benefits of Disappointment

Try to keep in mind, though, that no emotion is all bad. Emotions help us learn and modify our behavior to prevent unsatisfying future experiences. Disappointment specifically, may elicit regret which helps us make decisions differently in the future (Bault et al., 2016). Indeed, if we can try to view all emotions and experiences as learning tools, they become less threatening and can serve us better.

10 Healthy Ways to Overcome Disappointment

In the words of Alexander Pope, “Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.” This is indeed a mindset that we might aspire to.

For now, when something disrupts our positive feelings and hopeful expectations, we may feel disappointed, at least until we learn how to work with this challenging emotion. Over time and with practice, disappointment can become not much more than a small nuisance. Here are some strategies that can help get you there:

Video: How to Deal with Disappointment

1. Allow Yourself to Feel Disappointed

First, acknowledge the letdown you've just faced. Denying the reality of a certain situation, or refusing to think about it at all, makes things a lot worse. It can also keep you stuck in one place, unable to work on getting a solution to said problem.

Like a lot of things, the first step to getting over disappointment is awareness. Yes, you failed the test. Yes, you didn't win the lottery. Yes, you didn't get promoted. If it hurts, that's okay. Give yourself time to feel.

2. Let Out Your Disappointment

According to a study about mending broken hearts, those who wrote down their deepest thoughts and feelings about their experience recovered much quicker than those who didn’t. They also had better physical and mental health in subsequent months (Lepore & Greenberg, 2002).

In another study, executives and engineers who deliberately confronted their feelings about unemployment had a much higher rate of re-employment in the following months. It actually jumped up to 72% when called for a follow-up 4 months later (Joseph & Greenberg, 2001).

The point here is this: talking to someone, journaling, or simply writing your feelings down on paper can lessen the feelings of pain and/or hopelessness after experiencing disappointment.

3. Don't Dwell on What Might Have Been

It's likely that you've imagined how great it would be if you were to get that promotion, to rank at the top of your class, or win the lottery. So when things didn't work out as you had imagined them to be, you might ask yourself what could have been if things were a little different—if you answered more promptly, if you studied a little harder, or if you were a little luckier. But the truth is, the more you dwell and ruminate on your disappointment, the harder it is to let go. Not only can it disrupt your ability to focus but also prevent you from moving forward.

4. Be Kind to Yourself after Disappointment

Perhaps the company that turned you down required someone with a completely different set of skills. Maybe the person you fell in love with is in love with someone else. Or maybe, your parents will never accept your chosen life path.

Regardless of the situation, it's important to adopt a self-compassionate attitude. Be kind to yourself. Don't judge yourself too harshly—no one is perfect. Don't hold yourself to impossibly high standards. Most importantly, don't compare yourself to others. Doing so will only hurt your confidence and damage your self-worth. Your path is yours, and that's okay.

Video: Disappointment (How to Get Over Disappointment)

5. Give Yourself Some Credit After a Disappointment

There may be days where you just can’t finish everything you want to or achieve everything you hope to achieve. Such is the way of life; it throws tasks and obstacles at you at random. Oftentimes, it derails your focus from your goal. Mistakes happen, and you're allowed to make them. Forgive yourself for the mistakes you've made and learn from them instead of holding them over your own head.

Video: Why Disappointment Can Be a Good Thing

6. Put Things Into Perspective After a Disappointment

A lot of us find ourselves looking back at events that now seem trivial. We might even ask ourselves why we were so worried or upset about something that, in hindsight, wasn’t as awful as we initially made it out to be.

Ask yourself this: how will you feel about your situation in a week, a month, or a year's time? If you believe that your feelings of disappointment will eventually disappear—that this too will pass—then you’re already on your way to getting over it. So rather than judging the event you’ve just experienced an utter disaster that'll ruin your life forever, try to think of it as a mere inconvenience.

7. Look for the Silver Lining After a Disappointment

Always try to find a sign of hope or a positive aspect in your otherwise negative situation. The world is not painted in black-and-white, so try to look for the grey. While you may feel unhappy right now, try to look at the situation as an opportunity to learn or as a part of growing up.

Chet Baker sang in his 1956 Pacific Jazz album, "Remember, somewhere the sun is shining, and so the right thing to do is make it shine for you." With this in mind, take your disappointment as a chance to stop, evaluate, and restructure your thoughts. It's not a bad life; simply a bad moment.

8. Look Forward After a Disappointment

The beauty of life is that there's always tomorrow to look forward to. If an event brings you disappointment, it doesn't mean that you should shy from it forever. If you can, try again. Identify your next opportunity and work your way to reach it.

In the words of former professional footballer Jamie Redknapp, "There's no point in looking back and saying I was unlucky." Indeed, one way to get over disappointment is to always look forward.

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9. Try a Different Approach After a Disappointment

"When we feel stagnant and unconfident, it’s a lot easier to see the bad parts of life." entrepreneur Melyssa Griffin wrote. "Start small. Remind yourself of all the great things you can accomplish."

In other words, if what you're doing isn't working, perhaps it's time to create a different game plan. Take it as a chance to control your mind and bring more positivity into your life.

For instance, if your partner isn't changing or meeting your needs, it may be best to focus on your own happiness instead. If your qualifications don’t meet the majority of the companies you tried applying to, you may want to focus on building some new life skills. Sometimes, getting what you want requires getting out of your comfort zone. Yes, it can sometimes be scary, but this is how you change.

10. Use Humor as a Coping Mechanism After a Disappointment

Finding humor in a situation allows you to step back and see things more clearly. Laughing is like taking a deep breath and bringing everything back down to earth. Surround yourself with people who make you smile. Watch funny shows and movies, read funny books, and partake in merry engagement. Doing so can keep your mind off of the disappointment you're feeling, and make it easier to handle.

More Activities to Help You Get over Disappointment

Want some more ways to get over disappointment? Here are a few activities to try:

Articles Related to Disappointment

Want to learn more about disappointment? Check out these articles:

Books Related to Disappointment

If you’d like to keep learning more about disappointment, here are a few books that you might be interested in.

Final Thoughts on Disappointment

Disappointment comes with complex emotions. It could be sadness, regret, despondency, and anger. But remember, disappointment isn't all bad. In fact, it provides information about the way you view yourself and helps you better understand what's important to you. In the words of Sir Boyle Roche, “Disappointment is the nurse of wisdom.” Indeed, when we face disappointment, we are better ofter finding the reason for our disappointment to learn and grow from it.

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References

Bault, N., Wydoodt, P., & Coricelli, G. (2016). Different attentional patterns for regret and disappointment: An eye‐tracking study. Journal of Behavioral Decision Making, 29(2-3), 194-205.
Eisenberger, N. I. (2012). The neural bases of social pain: evidence for shared representations with physical pain. Psychosomatic medicine, 74(2), 126.
Joseph, L. M., & Greenberg, M. A. (2001). The effects of a career transition program on reemployment success in laid-off professionals. Consulting Psychology Journal: Practice and Research, 53(3), 169.
Lepore, S. J., & Greenberg, M. A. (2002). Mending broken hearts: Effects of expressive writing on mood, cognitive processing, social adjustment and health following a relationship breakup. Psychology and Health, 17(5), 547-560.
Schubiner, H., & Betzold, M. (2010). Unlearn your pain. Pleasant Ridge, MI: Mind Body Publishing.
Zeelenberg, M., Van Dijk, W. W., SR Manstead, A., & der Pligt, J. (1998). The experience of regret and disappointment. Cognition & Emotion, 12(2), 221-230.

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