Forgiveness: Definition, Tips, & How to Do It

By Charlie Huntington, M.A., Ph.D. Candidate
Reviewed by Tchiki Davis, M.A., Ph.D.

Discover what forgiveness means, tips and techniques for forgiving others, and how to ask for forgiveness.

Forgiveness: Definition, Tips, & How to Do It

Have you ever struggled to forgive someone? Held a grudge longer than you wanted? Have you ever felt shame or guilt about hurting someone else and not known how to ask for forgiveness? Forgiveness is essential to maintaining and repairing relationships – but that doesn’t make it easy. Many of us struggle to forgive ourselves and others, or to get the forgiveness we want. In this article, I’ll answer, what does forgiveness mean, how to give and get it, and why it's important.

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What Is Forgiveness in Psychology? (A Definition)

Forgiveness means letting go of angry feelings and thoughts toward somebody who hurt you and replacing them with positive feelings and thoughts. When we forgive, we accept that something bad happened to us and say that we want to move on. We become willing to see the other person for more than what they did that hurt us.

When we talk about what is means to forgive, we mean moving from anger to more positive emotions, but this can be a lot harder than it sounds. When somebody hurts you, it is natural to want them to feel what you’re feeling. Forgiving that person means overriding that natural impulse to strike back (Wade et al., 2008). Forgiveness also means deciding to feel positively toward the person who hurt you. When we do this, many of us draw on a moral or religious principle, such as the belief that if God forgives people for their sins, people should do the same for each other (Enright & Fitzgibbons, 2000).

At the same time, forgiving means not deciding that what the other person did was justifiable, excusable, or okay. When you forgive somebody, you’re not absolving them of blame—you are deciding that you won’t hold what happened against them. What they did was still wrong (in your eyes) but letting go of your emotions about it has become more important. Whether or not you ever want to interact with that somebody again, you can still forgive them.

Video: Forgiveness: Definition, Tips, & How to Do It

When Is Forgiveness Easier and Harder?

You might have noticed that when you don’t know the person who hurt you very well, it may be easier to let go of the negative emotions (Worthington, 2005). In fact, you might not even need an apology from the person who hurt you (Enright & Fitzgibbons, 2000). However, forgiving someone you are closer to may require more effort on your part, or an apology from that person (Enright & Fitzgibbons, 2000). For example, I don’t need to talk to the driver who cuts me off in traffic to forgive them, but if my best friend forgets to call me on my birthday, I probably do.

Often, we forgive when the benefits of forgiving start to seem more important than the benefits of staying angry. We might miss the company of the person we’re angry with, or be tired of feeling sad every time we hear their name. But there are a range of health benefits to practicing forgiveness too (Witvliet & McCullough, 2007; Worthington & Scherer, 2004) that make it worth your while to learn more about how to practice forgiveness.

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What is Forgiveness? (A Forgiveness Definition for Kids)

How might a child define forgiveness? Looking at everything I’ve just said about what forgiveness means, you might be thinking, how can I get kids to understand what forgiveness means? Here are some things you can say to a child to help them understand forgiving:

When you forgive somebody, you decide you’re not going to be mad at them anymore for something mean or hurtful that they did to you. You say, “I won’t try to get back at you, or make you feel bad, or hurt you back.” In fact, when you forgive somebody, you say, “Even though you hurt me, I do not think you are a bad person.” You might even try to be friends with that person again, although you don’t have to.

Forgiveness is not forgetting that something bad happened. It is not saying that what happened was okay. It is hard to say, “I’m not going to feel mad anymore” when somebody hurts us. That is why forgiving somebody takes courage and strength.

To help a child understand what forgiveness means, try these steps. First, share how it’s important in your family or your culture to treat all people with dignity and respect. It might help your child to experience this theme in picture books, TV shows, or movies. You can point out the moments when one character treats another with kindness, even though the second character has mistreated them. See if your child can articulate why they think the first character does that. If your child can identify a reason for the character to behave that way, explain to them that this is an example of forgiveness. If you’re looking for more inspiration related to forgiveness, the video below shows another great way to make the process of forgiveness more concrete for children.

Video: Cultivating Forgiveness

Children are often eager to please adults, so it is important to clarify that if somebody hurts them, only they can choose to forgive that person. You can also tell them that forgiving somebody doesn’t mean they have to keep playing with them or be that person’s friend.

What Is The Opposite of Forgiveness?

The opposite of forgiveness is unforgiveness, or holding onto the anger, sadness, or resentment that comes from being hurt. As I noted above, it’s very common and understandable to have those feelings when somebody has hurt us. There are many reasons we might hold a grudge instead of forgiving (Baumeister et al., 1998). Holding a grudge may cause the person who hurt us to apologize or change their behavior. As we continue to feel hurt by what happened, we may have difficulty not feeling resentful. Holding a grudge may feel like the best way to ensure we don’t get hurt the same way twice.

What Does It Mean to Be Unforgiving?

What does unforgiving mean? When we are unforgiving, we continue feeling angry, resentful, bitter, vengeful, or any of the other feelings associated with being wronged. Unforgiveness also often means that we have negative thoughts about the person who wronged us, such as ill-wishes toward the other person or thoughts of revenge (Worthington, 2006). The act of forgiving focuses on finding a way to stop these negative thoughts and emotions.

We may remain unforgiving because the people who hurt us do not apologize, take accountability, or change their behaviors. This can be a particularly frustrating experience. There are a couple of people who have wronged me over the years and never took responsibility for the impact of their actions. Thinking about them still gets my blood pressure up. I try not to think about them often, and for good reason – ruminating on thoughts of unforgiveness may not be good for your health (Witvliet et al., 2001).

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What is Radical Forgiveness? (A Definition)

Radical forgiveness is forgiveness that occurs in spite of how bad the harmful act seems to be on the surface. This approach poses that everything that happens to us, actually happens for us. That is, even the things that are hardest to forgive (even abuse or neglect) help us grow, learn, become our true selves, and experience life in new ways.

When we forgive radically, we can actually feel great gratitude for the “harm” done to us. These experiences are the essence of life and we accept them with appreciation. We still may choose to remove ourselves from the line of fire and end harmful relationships, but we truly forgive the other person. In fact, we don’t even believe that what they’ve done requires forgiveness—it simply is—and so we move on easily and joyfully.

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What Is Forgiveness versus Compassion?

Compassion is feeling concern or pity for what other people have suffered. This is different from forgiveness, which as we now know means letting go of negative feelings toward someone. While feeling compassion is often helpful to the process of forgiving (Miyawaga & Taniguchi, 2020), it is not necessary to feel compassion to forgive. We do not need to understand why the other person did what they did to forgive them.

To explain further, let me give an example. In feeling compassion, we typically try to empathize and identify with the other person, putting ourselves in their shoes. Sometimes, this is an important part of coming to forgive someone. If I say something hurtful to my partner when I get home from work – and yes, I admit this has happened before – it may be easier for my partner to forgive me when they hear about how stressful my day was. However, they do not need to know that context; they could decide to forgive me because I don’t make such comments very often, because I show them love in other ways, or simply because they know everybody slips and gets angry sometimes.

What Is Conditional vs Unconditional Forgiveness?

Conditional forgiveness means forgiveness that can only take place when the person who caused harm engages in certain behaviors (Miceli & Castelfranchi, 2011). The offending party typically is expected to admit that they did what they did, acknowledge their responsibility without making excuses, and express regret for what they did (Andrews, 2000). They may also indicate an action they’re going to take to make things better. For many people, behaviors like these are a prerequisite for forgiveness – the person who caused harm must do them for forgiveness to be possible (Andrews, 2000).

By contrast, unconditional forgiveness means forgiveness that comes with no expectations of the person who caused harm. This means that we forgive the person regardless of whether they ever take responsibility, apologize, or try to make amends. As an example, we can remember the radical forgiveness displayed by the Amish community I described earlier.

How to Forgive Someone

Forgiveness has to happen in your own head; if you say you forgive somebody, but don’t mean it, that forgiveness isn’t driven by your conviction. To be ready to forgive someone, you might ask yourself if you believe the three following statements (McCullough, 2009).

1. The other person deserves forgiveness.
2. You could get something positive out of forgiving them.
3. You are at least relatively safe from being hurt by this person, in this way, again.

Mindful Forgiveness
Another approach to forgiveness is a mindful forgiveness approach. We first look at the other person as an imperfect being who makes mistakes—mistakes that may even include hurting people on purpose. But we remember the popular quote, “hurt people, hurt people”. It’s true that the reason why people hurt others is because of the hurt that is inside of them. It’s not about you. When you choose not to forgive them, you make their pain about you and decide to carry it with you as well.

To forgive, then, is to let go of the hurt that was projected onto you. It is to have compassion for their hurt, even if it spills onto you. It is to think loving thoughts about them in hopes that this may help dissolve their hurt and their need to spread it to others. And it is letting go, either of the situation or the relationship, wanting only the best for the other person (and yourself) as you move forward.

Video: What Is The Power of Forgiveness?

How to Get Forgiveness From Someone

Before you try to ask for forgiveness, there are some helpful questions to ask yourself (Holmgren, 2002). First, you can check to see whether you are rationalizing that your behavior was okay – are you holding on to the belief that you didn’t do anything wrong? You might also ask yourself if you are hesitating to take full responsibility for your role in what happened. Finally, you can check to see if you have any judgments of the other person that might make it hard to ask for forgiveness. Do you think the other person is overreacting or does not have a right to be upset? It might help to talk about your answers to these questions with a trusted friend, loved one, or mentor before you ask for forgiveness.

Once you have answered those questions to your own satisfaction, here are four steps you can use to get forgiveness from someone (Cornish & Wade, 2015):

1) Take responsibility. Acknowledge what you did and what the consequences were for the other person. Do not focus on any responsibility they might share for what happened, even if you think they are also to blame.
2) Express remorse. Tell the other person how you feel when you think about what you did. If possible, try to focus more on feelings of regret than feelings of shame or guilt, because expressing shame might bring the focus back on your emotions.
3) Offer amends. Say you would like to make things better and ask the other person what might help. Come prepared with a few ideas of your own. Describe how you plan to change your own behavior.
4) Describe your hopes for the future of your relationship. Maybe you hope the other person will overcome the trust issues they've developed with you or that you can be friends again someday. Remember, though, the person doing the forgiving decides whether to forgive and what kind of a relationship they want in the future.

What is Self-Forgiveness? (A Definition)

What does self-forgiveness mean? Self-forgiveness is very similar to forgiving someone else. Forgiving yourself involves taking responsibility for harm you have caused yourself, saying that you are sorry, figuring out how to make amends, and then following through on those amends (Cornish & Wade, 2015). Just as when you forgive someone else, you come to feel better about that person, and self-forgiveness can bring you increased feelings of self-compassion, self-acceptance, and self-respect (Cornish & Wade, 2015). When we self-forgive, we often feel more connected to ourselves (Webb et al., 2017) and have an easier time thinking about what we did or being around the people we affected (Hall & Fincham, 2005).

How to Forgive Yourself

Forgiving yourself means following the same steps I described above, but applying those thoughts to yourself.

Can you see your positive characteristics, or recognize your inherent value as a human so that you know you’re worthy of forgiveness?
Can you see some benefits to forgiving yourself?
Are there ways you can make sure you don’t do the same thing again?

Although I have thus far described self-forgiving for having wronged other people, it is important to self-forgive for behaviors that seemed to hurt only ourselves. Every time I forget to complete a small task, I have to practice self-forgiveness. If I remain upset with myself, I am more likely to stay in a negative mood, and less likely to actually get the task done. If I accept that I just made one more in an endless string of mistakes, which are inevitable because I’m human, I can forgive myself and start figuring out how to avoid the same mistake next time.

I made it sound easy, right? Unfortunately, all of us often feel shame (about ourselves) or guilt (about what we did) when we hurt someone (Tangney & Dearing, 2002). If you’re like me, you can easily get stuck in those feelings. You might even assign yourself more responsibility for what happened than is fair, or fear that the other person’s pain is going to be too hard for you to bear. Forgiving yourself might be the first step in the chain of self-healing.

More often than I want to admit, I find myself avoiding apologizing for my mistakes, and it’s usually because I am too upset with myself. Once I forgive myself, it’s easier to make a real apology and ask for forgiveness.

Quotes About Forgiveness

“If you cannot forgive yourself, you cannot forgive others.” – D. Muthukrishnan
“To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it.” – Confucius
“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” – Mahatma Gandhi
“To err is human, to forgive, divine.” – Alexander Pope
“True forgiveness is when you can say, ‘Thank you for that experience.’” – Oprah Winfrey
“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.” – Mark Twain
“Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace.” – Mel Robbins

Articles Related to Forgiveness

Want to learn more about forgiveness? Here are some related articles that might be helpful.

Books on Forgiveness

If you’d like to keep learning more about forgiveness and what forgiveness means, here are a few books that you might be interested in.

Final Thoughts on Forgiveness

In this article, we talked all about what forgiveness means, but remember, forgiveness can mean different things to different people. Forgiveness is an essential tool for reducing feelings of anger and resentment and being able to repair relationships. Whether you are forgiving yourself or someone else, you give yourself a chance to feel better and live a healthier life each time you put forgiveness into practice. The more you practice forgiveness, the more quickly other people may forgive you, too.

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References

Andrews, M. (2000). Forgiveness in context. Journal of Moral Education, 29(1), 75–86.
Baumeister, R. F., Exline, J. J., & Sommer, K. L. (1998). The victim role, grudge theory, and two dimensions of forgiveness. In E. L. Worthington (Ed.), Dimensions of forgiveness: psychological research and theological speculations (pp. 79-107). Philadelphia, PA: The Templeton Foundation Press.
Cornish, M. A., & Wade, N. G. (2015). A therapeutic model of self-forgiveness with intervention strategies for counselors. Journal of Counseling & Development, 93, 96-104.
Enright, R. D., & Fitzgibbons, R. (2000). Helping clients forgive: An empirical guide for resolving anger and restoring hope. Washington, DC: APA.
Enright, R. D., & the Human Development Study Group. (1996). Counseling within the forgiveness triad: On forgiving, receiving forgiveness, and self-forgiveness. Counseling and Values, 40, 107–126.
Exline, J. J., Worthington, E. L., Hill, P, & McCullough, M. E. (2003). Forgiveness and justice: a research agenda for social and personality psychology. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 7(4), 337-348.
Fiala, A. (2012). Radical forgiveness and human justice. The Heythrop Journal, LIII, 494-506.
Hall, J. H., & Fincham, F. D. (2005). Self forgiveness: The stepchild of forgiveness research. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 24, 621–637.
Holmgren, M. R. (2002). Forgiveness and self-forgiveness in psychotherapy. In S. Lamb & J. G. Murphy (Eds.), Before forgiving: Cautionary views of forgiveness in psychotherapy (pp. 112–135). New York, NY: Oxford University Press.
McCullough, M. E., Root, L. M., Tabak, B. A., & Witvliet, C. v. O. (2009). Forgiveness. In S. J. Lopez & C. R. Snyder (Eds.), Oxford handbook of positive psychology (pp. 427–435). Oxford University Press.
Miceli, M., & Castelfranchi, C. (2011). Forgiveness: A cognitive-motivational anatomy. Journal for the Theory of Social Behavior, 41(3), 260–290.
Miyawaga, Y., & Taniguchi, J. (2020). Self-compassion helps people forgive transgressors: cognitive pathways of interpersonal transgressions. Self and Identity, advance online publication.
Tangney, J. P., & Dearing, R. L. (2002). Shame and guilt. New York, NY: Guilford Press.
Wade, N. G., Johnson, C. V., & Meyer, J. E. (2008). Understanding concerns about interventions to promote forgiveness: A review of the literature. Psychotherapy: Theory, Research, Practice, Training, 45, 88–102.
Webb, J. R., Bumgarner, D. J., Conway-Williams, E., Dangel, T., & Hall, B. B. (2017). A consensus definition of self-forgiveness: implications for assessment and treatment. Spirituality in Clinical Practice, 4(3), 216-227.
Witvliet, C. V. O., & McCullough, M. E. (2007). Forgiveness and health: A review and theoretical exploration of emotion pathways. In S.G. Post (Ed.), Altruism and health: Perspectives from empirical research (pp. 259–276). Oxford: Oxford University Press.
Worthington, E. L. (2005). The power of forgiving. Philadelphia, PA: Templeton Foundation Press.
Worthington, E. L. Jr., & Scherer, M. (2004). Forgiveness is an emotion-focused coping strategy that can reduce health risks and promote health resilience: Theory, review, and hypotheses. Psychology and Health, 19, 385–405.

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