Self-Compassion: Definition, Examples, and Exercises

By Tchiki Davis, MA, PhD

What is self-compassion? Why is self-compassion important? And how do you develop more self-compassion? Find out here.

Photo Credit: Pexels *This page may include affiliate links; that means I earn from qualifying purchases of products.

What Is Self-Compassion?

Self-compassion is defined as giving yourself the same compassion you'd give others. That means that in order to have self-compassion, you need to notice that you are suffering. Then you need to feel moved by that suffering. You may feel warmth, caring, or the desire to help yourself. So you react in ways that are understanding and kind. Self-compassion means that instead of being harsh with yourself when you are suffering, you comfort and care for yourself.

Self-Compassion Examples

We are often our own worse critics. When we practice self-compassion, we might remind ourselves that everyone has flaws and makes mistakes and there is no need to judge ourselves. Self-compassion researcher, Dr. Kritin Neff, says that we are self-compassionate when we "honor and accept our humanness."  And in her book, Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself, she says the goal is to stop judging and evaluating ourselves altogether.

Video: Self-Compassion Defined

Why Is Self-Compassion Important

Self-compassion expert, Joy Johnson LCSW, says in The Self-Compassion Workbook that in the modern world, we're expected to be as efficient as possible. This can make us self-critical and hold ourselves to unrealistic standards. The pressure we put on ourselves can become overwhelming. When we have self-compassion, we can identify when we fail to meet our standards or live our values, but we don't judge ourselves so harshly for these normal human failures.

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The Elements of Self-Compassion

What is self-compassion made of? The Self-Compassion Workbook explains that there are several parts or self-compassion:

1. Mindful Awareness

Mindfulness involves present awareness.  It's paying attention to what's right in front of you and letting go of whatever thoughts, emotions, or distractions might be pulling you away from the present moment.

2. Self-Acceptance

With non-judgement or self-acceptance, you try not to judge yourself for your flaws or imperfections. You accept yourself as you are and may even delight in your uniqueness or idiosyncrasies.

3. Living Your Values

When you know your personal values, you can more easily make decisions in accordance with those values. When you live by these values there are fewer opportunities to judge yourself. You are living your life in the way that is right for you and there is less need for self-criticism.

4. Loving-Kindness

Loving-kindness is "tender and benevolent affection". When given towards yourself, it can also be thought of as self-kindness. The key to self-compassion is this loving self-kindness. You're not being a jerk or bully to yourself either.

How Self-Compassionate Are You?

​Here are some questions to help you evaluate how self-compassionate you are. Ask yourself, are you:

• easily intimidated.
• afraid that I will do the wrong thing.
• prone to being self-critical
• likely to feel inadequate

Or do you:

• try to be understanding with yourself
• give yourself the benefit of the doubt
• give yourself a break when you need it

By answering these questions for yourself, you can get a better sense of how self-compassionate you might be.

Now you know more about self-compassion, but how do you start building it? Here are some strategies:

1. Let Go of Negative Thoughts

When you're having negative thoughts, try to imagine a blue sky with white clouds. Put each of those thoughts on a cloud and watch them float away. This exercise can help you see that negativity doesn't have to be a part of your thinking anymore.

2. Confront Your Inner Critic

When you make a mistake and find yourself being self-judgmental, take a moment to pause and confront your inner critic. Ask yourself, what self-critical things are you saying to yourself? What are some counter-arguments for these thoughts? Why might your thoughts be untrue or mean and how can you make them kinder?

Video: Self-Compassion Exercises to Beat the Self-Critic

3. Write a Self-Compassion Letter

Research has shown that writing self-compassionate letters can decrease depression and increase happiness [1]. Here's a more structured self-compassion activity that shows you how to write a  self-compassion letter to help you build this skill. 

4. Use Positive Affirmations

Positive affirmations are kind words we say to ourselves. When we use positive affirmations, we remind and begin to convince ourselves that these positive thoughts about us are true. That's why using positive affirmations can help boost our self-compassion.

5. Eliminate the Word “Should” From Your Vocabulary

When we tell ourselves that we "should" do something, be something, or feel something, we are just judging ourselves. There is no right way to do something or right way to be. Loosening our standards or rules for ourselves can help us be more self-compassionate.

6. Practice Loving-Kindness for Yourself

Practicing loving-kindness meditation has been shown to result in several benefits to our well-being [2]. So try this or other self-compassion meditations to build these skills. 

Video: Self-Compassion Meditation

7. Change Your Attribution Style

We can end up feeling a lot of negativity about ourselves when we have certain attribution styles. For example,

• External attribution for the good things. External attribution for the good things is the belief that the good things do not come from us but from outside of us. "We're just lucky". When we think like this, we never fully enjoy the good things that do happen to us and get the boost in self-confidence that others get.
• Internal attribution for the bad things. Internal attribution about the bad things is the belief that we are responsible for the bad things that happen to us. When we think like this we're always blaming ourselves and feeling sad about things that are in the past.

When you find yourself using these attributions, try to stop and question them. If you are responsible for the bad things, then you are also responsible for the good.

8. Take a Self-Compassion Break

Sometimes when we're being hard on ourselves, we just need to take a quick self-compassion break. Doing so can help remind us that we have the strength to move forward, even during stressful times. To learn more, watch the self-compassion break video below.

Video: Self-Compassion Break

9. Give Yourself Permission to Feel

Sometimes when we're being self-critical we don't allow ourselves to be or feel what we want. This suppression of emotions can actually be bad for our mental health. So give yourself permission to feel whatever is true for you.

10. Forgive Yourself

One of the ways we are hard on ourselves is that we don't forgive ourselves for doing bad things. Now, it's not a bad thing to recognize the things you've done wrong or that hurt people. But it's also important to remember that you are human and to give yourself a break. We all make mistakes and holding those mistakes against ourselves forever is going to make it tough to live happily.

11. Be Good to Yourself

Many of us with self-worth issues can unconsciously set ourselves up to feel worse by putting ourselves in situations that make us feel worse. Try being good to yourself and reminding yourself about your positive attributes, or thinking about your strengths rather than your weaknesses.

Articles Related to Self-Compassion

​Want to learn more about self-compassion? Check out these articles:

• Believe in Yourself: Why It's Important and How to Do It
• Self-Esteem: Definition, Signs, and Tips for Building Yours
• Worthlessness: Definition & How To Deal With It​
• ​Mindful Self-Compassion: Definition & Exercises
  

Books Related to Self-Compassion

If you’d like to keep learning more about self-compassion, here are a few books that you might be interested in.

• The Self-Compassion Deck: 50 Mindfulness-Based Practices
• Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself
• The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook: A Proven Way to Accept Yourself, Build Inner Strength, and Thrive

Final Thoughts on Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is made up of several components, all of which help us be kinder to ourselves. So if you're struggling with self-critical thoughts, developing self-compassion is key.

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References

1. ​Shapira, L. B., & Mongrain, M. (2010). The benefits of self-compassion and optimism exercises for individuals vulnerable to depression. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 5(5), 377-389.
2. Hutcherson, C. A., Seppala, E. M., & Gross, J. J. (2008). Loving-kindness meditation increases social connectedness. Emotion, 8(5), 720.

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