Resentment: Definition, Causes, & Solutions

By Charlie Huntington, M.A., Ph. D. Candidate
​Reviewed by Tchiki Davis, M.A., Ph.D.
We all feel resentment every now and then, and they can really get in our way. Read on to learn about where resentments come from and how you can respond when they show up in your life.
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I grew up next to a big family, with a small army of redheaded boys whose shouts and roughhousing and pickup basketball games echoed throughout the neighborhood. As the oldest child in my family, without cool older brothers to follow around, I naturally gravitated down the hill toward their house, nervously excited to join in the ruckus.​
Looking back as an adult, it is easier to understand the complexity of thoughts and feelings that emerged when I spent time with this family. On the one hand, playing with older kids, eating the family’s Pop Tarts and Fruit Rollups, and experiencing a house with a lot more hustle and bustle than mine filled me with excitement and satisfaction.

On the other hand, an unpleasant feeling could sometimes take over. It had something to do with wishing I had older brothers to look up to, wishing that my own pantry had the tasty snack foods I saw advertised on TV, and wishing that my house would be the center of the action. I wondered, why couldn’t I have all these things?
​
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What Is Resentment? (A Definition)

For childhood Charlie – just like adult Charlie, to be honest – there have been countless examples of times when I felt that the grass was greener on the other side, and I started to feel resentment. Resentment is the combination of unpleasant feelings and thoughts you experience when you do not get what you feel you deserve, or when you see other people get something you think they do not deserve (Feather & Sherman, 2002).
 
That’s a long definition, so here’s a shorter one: resentment is the feeling you experience when you have the thought, “that’s not fair!” When we think we have been wronged in some way, or somebody else has been given something we deserve (but don’t have), we are liable to feel resentment. We see the situation as unjust, as a threat to the status we want to have in the world (O’Dwyer, 2020).
 
Resentment is sort of an emotion – more on that in a moment – and all emotions call us into action. What resentment motivates us to do is try to level the playing field or to seek revenge (Nietzsche, 2006).
 
Does this make resentment a bad thing? Not at all. It is as inevitable as any other reaction you might have to your environment. And as an emotional response, it is a very useful signal to you that you want something in your environment to change.

Is Resentment an Emotion?

Resentment is not a pure emotion, but rather a particular manifestation of anger. Broadly speaking, we feel anger when our expectations are violated or when our boundaries are crossed. In the case of resentment, we have expectations regarding things we deserve to get from the world. When we do not get them – and especially if somebody else gets what we wanted, instead of us – the situation seems morally unjust to us, and from this belief, resentment emerges (Rawls, 1971).
 
In this way, resentment may seem a lot like envy, which is a close cousin of anger. But there is a difference between resentment and envy. When I was in high school, I envied my peers who were willing to work harder and study longer than me, but I resented my peers who put in the same amount of effort as me, but still got better grades than I did.  
 
A common target of resentment are the institutions that regulate our lives (Rawls, 1971). It is this sentiment that has fueled anti-government protests and even caused some people to seek revenge for harms real and imagined (Oatley, 2009). One example is the Biden administration’s decision to cancel a large amount of student loan debt. While many people were heartened and relieved by this news, others strongly expressed resentment at what they thought was an undeserved gift from the government.

Opposite of Resentment

The opposite of resentment, as one scholar argues, is gratitude (Roberts, 2004). I would argue that there are several steps along the way from resenting a situation or a person to feeling gratitude for that situation or person. So I’ll give you an example from my own life:

When I was a senior in high school, my parents took my brother and me on a two-week trip to Europe. Those were coincidentally the same two weeks that my girlfriend, a first-year college student, had off for spring break. I spent the whole first week of the trip stewing in resentment that my parents were depriving me of time with my girlfriend. However, after my mother expressed her sadness that I wasn’t enjoying the trip, which my parents had taken such pains to make happen for me, my feelings changed. I accepted the reality of the situation, forgave my parents for the circumstances, and quickly grew to feel grateful for the incredible opportunity I had before me.  

Resentment Causes

The causes of resentment might already be taking shape in your mind. One source of resentment is narcissism (Nauta & Derckx, 2007), something we all experience to some degree. Since we are all the main characters in the stories of our lives, it is natural for us to resent when those stories don’t unfold just as we’d like. This can take the form of both events that threaten our sense of self and events that suggest our life plans aren’t going to work out (Nauta & Derckx, 2007). A common flavor of this kind of resentment is what we experience when we fail to “get ahead” in a culture that puts an extremely high value on professional success (Wink, 1991).

Relatedly, we feel resentment when other people get to do things we aren’t “allowed” to do. I put “allowed” in quotation marks because a common cause of resentment is seeing other people do things we don’t give ourselves permission to do. For example, observing strict religious practices can make people resentful of the people around them who do not live by such restrictions (Nauta & Derckx, 2007).
​
A final cause worth mentioning is one that psychologists in particular have focused on: relative deprivation. This is the idea that seeing other people who have more than I have – regardless of how much I already have! – can make me resentful (Mark & Folger, 1984). For example, I might come home from a weekend of hiking feeling grateful for the opportunity to leave work behind and experience nature. But when my work colleague mentions that she just took a whole week off to hike on another continent, I might swing from gratitude for what I have to resentment that I couldn’t take a longer, more expensive trip.

Examples of Resentment

You might be thinking to yourself, “I’m not a resentful person.” While most of us do not live in a state of constant resentment, I assure you that this sentiment is a daily presence in your life. For my part, I know that anytime I don’t get what I think I deserve, or somebody else I think is undeserving gets something good, I am liable to feel resentment (Pietraszkiewicz & Wojciszke, 2014).

Many crimes are motivated by resentment. For example, psychologists have documented how racially-motivated resentment rests on the belief that people of some races are getting special treatment despite not being as worthy of that treatment as other races (Kinder & Sanders, 1996). Another example comes from the world of incels, or “involuntarily celibate” men, who sometimes resort to violence against women because they resent the lack of romantic and sexual connections with women in their lives.
​
These examples get at another aspect of resentment. Sometimes, we resent situations in which we feel personally deprived, but we can also grow resentful when a group we are affiliated with seems to be deprived or out of favor (Runciman, 1966; Tajfel & Turner, 1986). Think of the aggrieved looks on the faces of sports fans when a questionable decision by the referee is partly responsible for their team losing the game.

Resentment in a Relationship

Resentment occurs frequently in relationships – after all, relationships are where we expect to get many of our needs met, and where we frequently draw comparisons between ourselves and others. Whether it’s a child complaining about their older sibling’s later bedtime or the feeling I get when I see yet another Tesla drive by me, resentment is bound to surface in every relationship eventually.

Resentment in Marriage

You can expect resentments to appear the most in the relationships that matter the most, so marriage is unfortunately a breeding ground for this sentiment. One spouse wishes the other would do more of the housework, while another spouse is just dying for their partner to show up on time for their weekly date night. Irritation over little things can often boil over into generalized resentment between members of couples.

Resentment at Work

Research suggests that our attitudes toward other people determine our emotional responses to the outcomes they experience (Heider, 1958). In other words, we share in the joy when our preferred colleagues do well, but we resent the successes of coworkers whom we don’t like, or whom we don’t think are deserving of success (Pietraszkiewicz & Wojciszke, 2014).

​Resentment vs Hate

The difference between resentment and hate is that resentment is usually tied to a specific circumstance. You hate somebody in general, but you resent them for a particular event. For example, as a diehard Boston sports fan, I hate New York sports teams on principle, but I resent the Yankees in particular for spending so much money on recruiting superstars to their team.

Resentment vs Anger

As we noted above, resentment is a particular flavor of anger. We experience anger when our boundaries are violated, or our expectations go unmet. For resentment to be present, there must be an element of unfairness to the situation.

Resentment vs Forgiveness

Forgiveness is close to the opposite of resentment. When you forgive somebody, you accept the situation as it is, letting go of your attachment to how unfair it felt. Forgiveness and resentment can’t really coexist – you’re either experiencing one or the other.

Dealing With Resentment

We all have to deal with resentment in our lives. I encourage you to think of resentment as natural and inevitable. As a human being, you cannot help but develop expectations, hopes, and dreams. When these plans don’t pan out, it is all-too-easy and natural to find aspects of the situation to resent. Instead of getting angry at yourself for feeling resentful, try out the tricks below for letting go of resentment.

​How To Let Go of Resentment

Here are several steps that may help you let go of resentment (Worthington & Wade, 1999):

1)    Don’t retaliate or avoid. We often want to get revenge when we feel resentment, to restore balance or justice to the situation. Or we try to avoid thinking about the situation at all. Both of these actions will make things worse. Instead, focus on making internal changes.

2)    Check your entitlement. You might ask yourself, “Did I have unrealistic expectations for the situation? Was I expecting special treatment? Did I believe that someone owed me something?” If you can identify a mismatch between your expectations and what was likely to happen, you may reduce your resentment.

3)    Accept what happened. You cannot control anything about the past. All you can control is your reaction in this moment. Acceptance can be a good way to do that.

4)    Forgive what you can. Most of the things that go wrong in our lives weren’t done intentionally. People are trying their best, even when they hurt you. See if you can find it in yourself to forgive.

5)    Find something to be grateful for. This might involve trying to empathize with the other party in the situation, looking for a silver lining, or finding a humorous aspect of the situation. Remember, gratitude for the situation is the opposite of resentment.
​
If you want more advice, check out this quick video from psychologist Dr. Jordan Peterson, who offers a helpful angle on why another person’s happiness doesn’t have to make us resentful.

Video: How to Stop Being Resentful

Resentment Quotes

  • ​“Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” – Saint Augustine
  • “A coach is someone who can give correction without causing resentment.” – John Wooden
  • “To show resentment at a reproach is to acknowledge that one may have deserved it.” – Tacitus
  • “Expectations are resentments under construction.” – Anne Lamott
  • “Resentments, carried too far, expose us to a fate analogous to that of the fishhawk, when he strikes his talons too deep into a fish beyond his capacity to lift, and is carried under and drowned by it.” – Christian Nestell Bovee
  • “Expect much from yourself and little from others and you will avoid incurring resentments.” – Confucius

Articles Related to Resentment

Want to learn more? Here are some related articles that might be helpful.

Books Related to Resentment

To keep learning, here are some books to explore:​​

Final Thoughts on Resentment

Members of Twelve Step recovery groups place a big focus on resentments. In fact, one of the steps in their recovery consists of listing out every single resentment they can think of, then telling all those resentments to their sponsor (their mentor in recovery). I share this example with you to emphasize how commonplace – and significant – resentments are in our lives. We don’t want to hold on to this ubiquitous, but poisonous, feeling. So when you feel resentment, I encourage you to try to break that spell. It will always be better for your mind and body than holding onto a grudge.

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References
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Resentment: What It Is and How to Get Through It

What is resentment? Discover what it feels like to be resentful and learn how to get over being resentful.
*This page may include affiliate links; that means I earn from qualifying purchases of products.
Resentment is a poisonous thing. Often, it happens gradually, slowly eating away at your heart until it swallows you emotionally, physiologically, and even spiritually in extremely destructive ways. It's a formidable foe that's exceptionally hard to overcome.

Resentment, when left to fester within you, can be devastating. As such, it's essential to know how to let go of such emotion before it ends up becoming a part of your identity.
​
Today, I’ll be discussing one of the strongest emotions a person can feel and how to get through it in a healthy manner.
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What Is Resentment?

Oxford Languages defines resentment as "bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly." While that definition, in and of itself, isn't incorrect, resentment isn’t only “bitter indignation.”
Similar to human nature, resentment is complex and multilayered.

Many of those who feel resentment describe it as a mixture of anger, disgust, disappointment, and even fear. But psychologists consider resentment a tertiary emotion because it is thought to contain three secondary-level emotions: contempt (anger & disgust), shock (surprise & disgust), and outrage (surprise & anger) [1] .

When we feel resentment, we re-experience and relive the events that led up to how we feel. And although it can be provoked by recent, specific events, like being rejected in a job interview, for example, it commonly originates from insult and/or injury that occurred a long time ago.

The term itself originated from the French word ressentir, which means to feel. Today, resentment is synonymous with spite and holding a grudge.

What Causes Resentment?

Many things can cause the feeling of resentment. These events share one similarity: they involve a sense of injustice or wrongdoing caused by someone.

Here are some things that can cause resentment:
●      Public humiliation
●      Being taken advantage of by others
●      Feeling like an object of regular discrimination or prejudice
●      Envy and/or jealousy
●      Having achievements go unrecognized
●      Emotional rejection or denial by another person
●      Deliberate embarrassment or belittling caused by someone
●      Being put down or scorned by others

Victims of complicated and harmful situations see no other way out than bottling their emotions inside them. And when anger festers and grows without resolution, it can turn into resentment.

In the words of Malachy McCourt, an Irish-American actor, “Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” 
​
From a psychological point of view, it’s considered one of the most destructive obstacles to repairing a severed intimate connection, family rift, or fallen friendship.

The Difference Between Anger and Resentment

Anger and resentment are often used interchangeably. Although they share a lot of similarities, they're two completely different emotions. And their causes are very different.

Anger

Anger is like lighting a match. It's an explosive feeling that arises as a self-defense mechanism. In many situations, it’s an emotional reaction that's healthy and appropriate.
According to psychotherapist and author Dan Mager, anger is an emotional response to a real or imaginary “wrong” or injustice. However, in many instances, people get angry simply because things don’t go the way they wanted them to. ​​

Resentment

Resentment involves more choice. Dwelling on the event that made you feel negative emotions can increase resentment. And unlike anger, resentment can stem from an event that happened to you long, long ago.

Resentment can appear in many different forms. Some of which include:
●      Inability to stop thinking about the event
●      Continuous or recurring feelings of intense emotion, such as anger and/or shame, when thinking about the event
●      Unshakable feelings of inadequacy and regret
●      Avoidance of conflict due to fear or tense relationships

Resentment, however, isn't always nagging and persistent. While it may linger, going on for days, weeks, and even years, resentment can also be fleeting. It can dissipate when one receives an apology from the person who committed the offense, or if one realizes the event was misinterpreted.
​
While anger can be considered a healthy emotion, resentment rarely is. The first reason why it isn't healthy is that it tends to last for long periods of time. It sticks like a second shadow that can interfere with other aspects of a person’s daily life.

Secondly, resentment may be used as a form of self-punishment. According to Steven Stosny, from the book Living and Loving after Betrayal, he states that "the false appeal of self-punishment is that it seems to keep us safe from future hurt and disappointment.” The thought process here is that one won’t be "so stupid" to trust or rely on that person, or someone like them, ever again.
Even so, the painful reality is that this act may actually hurt the resenter more, leading them to mistreat or distrust others.

6 Powerful Tips To Overcome Resentment

For many people, overcoming resentment means forgiving the other person who hurt them. For others, it's about making changes within themselves so that resentment doesn't negatively affect them.
​
Here are several approaches you can take to get through this troubling emotion effectively:

Recognize the Root of Your Resentment

Get clarity on the roots or sources of your resentment. Think of how you feel about them and pinpoint why you feel the way you feel.

Ask yourself: When did it start? What happened that caused you to feel this way? Do you feel resentment towards a friend, a partner, a family member, or a stranger?

If you feel resentment towards more than one person, it might help if you write their name down on paper and write what they did to cause you to resent them. Write what part of your life it affects, and what you have contributed to the problem to gain better self-awareness. Doing so can put things into perspective, and make it easier to know how to overcome the negative emotions that come with it.

It may also be helpful to try to understand why it's so difficult to let go. For some, letting go of resentment can trigger losing one's identity, especially if the individual felt it for a long time. For others, it may be because they're simply not willing to forgive just yet. The first step is being honest with yourself.

Video: Resentment in romantic relationships

Allow Yourself to Feel

Resentment, especially when paired with anger, is an intense emotion. Bottling these emotions up causes more damage than good. Pretending that these feelings aren't there, or trying to push them away, may even contribute to hatred.

Healing resentment means accepting our feelings. To do so, take a moment to yourself and not only think about what happened to you but also allow yourself to feel the feelings that accompany the situation.
​
If you're angry, allow yourself to be angry. If you're hurt, allow yourself to feel hurt. Rather than pushing these feelings away, acknowledge your pain or confusion. It may be challenging, but it's necessary to move on.

Video: Meditation to let go of resentment

Talk to Someone You Trust

Whatever you're feeling now, whether it be hate, shame, or anger, they're all valid and worthy emotions. Talking to someone helps in more ways than one. Besides the fact that it relieves stress and feelings of anxiety, it also enables you to see the situation more objectively.

You can benefit from seeing another person’s point of view to see how they would react to the situation you're going through. They may even assist you in brainstorming a solution on how to get through it. Or, they can simply hear what you’re going through, which is enough in some cases.
At the end of the day, everyone wants to feel heard. This is part of why therapy is so effective. Find the right person to talk to. And remember: you're not alone. ​

Allow People to Make Mistakes

When we make mistakes, sometimes it isn't easy to acknowledge and accept them. It's hard to admit that we're less than perfect creatures and don’t always respond to situations in the most constructive of ways. But just as you want others to forgive your mistakes, extend the same to them. After all, the person who hurt you is human, and they might not have meant to cause you such grief.

This isn't to say that you're excusing their behavior; not at all. But it means that you're willing to be open-minded enough to see the context surrounding the person who's hurt you.
It can also allow you to understand them better and be aware of why they did what they did. And hopefully, you'll grow as a result of the situation.

Find Forgiveness in Your Heart

Understandably, resentment may be easier than the alternative, even if it includes pain and unnecessary suffering. But it means you're hurting yourself, whether consciously or subconsciously.

I must admit, I'm someone who holds a grudge. It takes me an exceptionally long time to forgive, and I'd often say to my friends that I'd rather "forget than forgive." So I get how hard it can be.

To say that forgiveness is hard is an understatement. After all, how could you ever forgive someone who, for instance, had abused you all your life? How do you forgive someone who had been cruel to you or someone who had lied to you? Being unable to forgive doesn't make you a bad person. It's just hard. 

According to psychologist Anthony C. Lopez, what makes forgiveness so difficult is the fact that "evolution has endowed us with the psychological motivation to avoid being exploited by others."
But when you choose to forgive the person who wronged you, you're choosing to heal yourself. Therefore, when you forgive someone, you're not doing it for them, but for yourself.
​
You've probably heard of the phrase forgiveness heals a wounded heart. Although trite and cliché, there is actually a lot of truth in it. There's a great chance that this action will lift the heavy burden you've been carrying on your shoulders and free up valuable mental space for more "important" pursuits.

Love Yourself Unconditionally

"The goal of unconditional self-love is to live our best life with a sense of wholeness, health, peace, and empowerment." Rita Loyd, the author of Unconditional Self-Love, said. "Empowerment enables us to change our lives for the better and to make the world a better place."

For many, resentment is a way to stand up for themselves. If you’re the same, you might even say it feels good, almost courageous, to hold such anger towards the person who hurt you. But once the euphoria wears off, you’ll realize that resentment can feel like a near-constant itch. And turning it off can be tough. The memories repeat over and over, and the rush of emotions you felt then may come gushing back like water from a broken dam.

So, how does one go about being kind to themselves, when they haven't for so long? First, remind yourself that you have worth and are valuable and lovable. Practice self-compassion and work on being true to yourself regardless of what others do to you.

Video: How to get over resentment

Conclusion

Holding onto resentment and anger can hurt your well-being. You deserve to be happy without being held back by the negative events that happened to you in the past. If you're struggling with forgiving the person who's done you wrong, don't lose hope. You can build skills that help you cope with your emotions better.

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References

1. ​TenHouten, W. D. (2018). From ressentiment to resentment as a tertiary emotion. Rev. Eur. Stud., 10, 49.
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