Honesty: Definition, Quotes, & Related Values

By Charlie Huntington, M.A., Ph. D. Candidate
​Reviewed by Tchiki Davis, M.A., Ph.D.
Honesty – telling the truth and not obscuring the facts – is fundamental to our happiness and relationships, but that doesn’t always make it easy! This article defines honesty and describes its related values.
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Little kids have a hard time telling the truth. Perhaps you remember telling lies to get out of trouble as a kid. I sure do. I remember the fear of getting trouble, and then the anxiety and guilt that came from knowing I had lied. To be honest, I don’t need to try too hard to remember this kind of lying, because it is still something that I do once in a while.
If that’s the case for you, too – if you have trouble telling the truth every time, all of the time – I promise you that you are in very good company. To be honest all the time would mean skillfully handling every single interpersonal (or inner) conflict that you ever experience. I do not know anybody with that much integrity, but I do think it is a compelling goal to aspire to. So what is honesty, really? And what can psychologists and philosophers tell us that might help us be honest? Let’s take a deep, unsparing look at honesty together.
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What Is Honesty? (A Definition)

I read lots of definitions of honesty to write this article, trying to find one that felt best to me. Defining honesty is a little strange, because it is one of those things that seems very simple – honesty is just telling the truth, right? And at the same time, when we try to get more technical, definitions of honesty often become a list of things that a honest person does not do.
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So how can we concretely define honesty? I like this definition: honesty is the characteristic of being a person who presents the facts of the situation accurately (Miller, 2020).

Opposite of Honesty

When we start to get more specific about what it is to “present” things honestly, then those “thou shall not” behaviors start to show up (Miller, 2020). Behaviors such as lying, stealing, cheating, breaking promises, and misleading others are all examples of being dishonest. These behaviors all constitute the opposite of honesty, which is obscuring the facts of the situation from yourself or somebody else.
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It is possible to think of honesty as an all-or-nothing thing, where any time we obscure the facts, even to the slightest extent, we are being dishonest. While this might be true from a semantic standpoint, I don’t think such a strict definition is helpful. It is exceptionally difficult for human beings to be completely honest. To give just one small example, if I ask myself how often today I fudged the truth – such as deluding myself that a given activity was actually the best use of my time in a given moment – the answer is, “at least several times.” I believe more honesty, not complete honesty, is a good goal for all of us.

Why Honesty Is Important

Honesty is important because society only really functions if we can generally assume that other people are being truthful, and they can assume the same of us (Pruckner & Sausgruber, 2013). In fact, most of us develop an internal sense of guilt and shame when we are not honest for just this reason – if we are continually dishonest, we will eventually be identified as untrustworthy and lose our social standing (Abeler et al., 2014).
 
Not only our reputations are at stake; without honesty, we cannot build or sustain healthy relationships with other people. At the same time, it is clear that consistent honesty can deepen and strengthen relationships (Abeler et al., 2014). People who are honest by nature are higher in self-acceptance, feel more connected to others, and experience more growth and get more meaning out of life (Visser & Pozzebon, 2013) – all characteristics that could make it easier to keep being honest. Indeed, being honest is important because people who are recognized for their honesty are seen as more desirable and likeable (Regan et al., 2000).
 
As important as it is to be honest for our well-being, it is hard to stay honest when faced with any challenges. Psychology experiments show that when people feel pressured and when there is not accountability for their behaviors, they are more likely to lie (Shalvi et al., 2012). It seems that when the threat of being caught is low or when we fear a negative outcome from our honesty, we are likely to let go of this important trait.

Examples of Honesty

For examples of honesty, we return to the “thou shalt not” behaviors (Miller, 2020):
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  • Lying: Again, honesty is most important when there are significant consequences for obscuring the truth. An honest person tells the truth even when there will be negative consequences for doing so. Most of us lie to avoid such a negative consequence.
  • Theft: Academic dishonesty is a great example here. When people plagiarize, they are being dishonest; in effect, they are saying, “I did this work” or “this was my idea” when those statements are not true.
  • Cheating: Honesty means following the rules. We find it harder to follow the rules when the rules seem unfair or are not things we willingly agreed to.
  • Promises: When we make commitments, we are honest insofar as we follow through on those commitments. In particular, making commitments we do not intend to uphold is a classic example of dishonesty.
  • Misleading: Omitting some information, or telling people only the parts of a situation that they want to hear, is a form of dishonesty, too.

Honesty in a Relationship

Honesty takes place in two primary contexts: within ourselves and between two or more people. Honesty in relationships, as noted above, is essential for those relationships to function well; a relationship cannot accomplish much without consensus about what effective communication looks like (Cushman & Whiting, 1972).

Interestingly, although most people say that deceiving one’s partner is one of the worst things a person can do, open and candid discussions of what constitutes honesty in a couple’s relationship are pretty rare – perhaps only one quarter of couples have had such a conversation (West, 2006). Perhaps this is because people agree on the general nature of what honesty should look like in their relationships – as much as 80% agreement (West, 2006) – but that unresolved 20% can still cause lots of issues.

Perhaps this is because honesty in relationships is a gray area: both honesty and dishonesty help maintain romantic relationships (Finkenauer & Hazam, 2000). While there are times that dishonesty for the sake of maintaining a relationship is highly destructive, there are also moments when it may avoid unnecessary conflict (Afifi et al., 2007). Indeed, some couples explicitly discuss situations where discretion, rather than disclosure, is preferred (Baxter et al., 2001).

Honesty in Relationship Examples 
Here are a couple examples of what this might look like in practice. First, most of us experience attractions to many different people in our lives – not just our partners. If you are experiencing a deep attraction to another person, in a way that might threaten your relationship, your partner probably deserves to know about that. But do they need to know a catalogue of every person for whom you felt a passing attraction in the past week? The anxiety or jealousy this might provoke would probably outweigh your partner’s gratitude that you were painstakingly honest with them (Levine & Knapp, 2018).
 
For a second example, consider all the times an adult chooses to withhold important information that a child is not developmentally ready to hear. Whether it is a parent concealing that the other parent’s infidelity is the cause of their impending separation or a grandparent regaling their grandchild with stories about Santa Claus, there are times that outright honesty is not in a child’s best interest.
 
We have an easier time being honest in relationships when we have experienced secure attachment in our lives (Gillath et al., 2010). Perhaps this is because people who have experienced healthy relationships have successfully navigated instances in those relationships when honesty caused temporary strain to the relationship. They can trust that honesty will generally increase closeness in relationships, not reduce it.
 
For more thoughts on the complexity of honesty in relationships, I recommend watching this TED Talk:

Video: Truth Telling in Relationships, Are We There Yet?

Honesty With The Self

Whether or not we can be honest with others is determined in large part by how honest we are with ourselves (Trivers, 2000). We deceive ourselves for many reasons, all of which serve to protect our sense of self or our internal representation of who we are. For example, I may attribute a selfish action to some kind of altruistic cause (“I asked him how he was doing because I care about him, not because I wanted an excuse to talk about my own life”) or I may forget a mistake I made because it is painful to acknowledge it.
 
Just as with honesty in relationships, though, there may be times when self-deception is effective. For example, exaggerating my odds of succeeding at a task may give me the conviction to keep working at it when I would otherwise quit (Trivers, 2000).
 
Since most of us hold the belief that honesty is a virtue and that dishonesty is shameful or wrong, most of our self-deception must occur on an unconscious level (Von Hippel & Trivers, 2011). In fact, many psychological defense mechanisms involve this kind of unconscious self-deception.

Honesty vs Integrity

Honesty and integrity are related, but distinct. We can be honest without having integrity, and we can lie with integrity. I can be honest in ways that hurt other people – and it is out of integrity with my values for me to hurt others – and I can lie in a virtuous way, such as to protect a friend from an undeserved negative outcome (Miller, 2020).

Honesty vs Loyalty

Loyalty can inspire people to be both honest and dishonest. A moral conflict emerges when being loyal would require us to be dishonest (Levine et al., 2020). For example, employees often struggle with whether to be fully honest with their supervisors. If you think keeping your job depends on you telling your boss that their idea is a great one, even if it isn’t, you will almost certainly be tempted to lie.
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It is easy to make the argument that telling another person the truth, even if it feels disloyal, is ultimately the more moral choice – it shows greater care for that person’s growth and more respect for their ability to handle difficult feedback (Levine et al., 2020). At the same time, most of us are naturally wary of the short-term unpleasantness that comes with prioritizing honesty over comfort, which makes this argument easier said than done (Levine et al., 2020).

Quotes on Honesty

  • “Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people.” – Spencer Johnson
  • “If ego is the voice that tells us we're better than we really are, we can say ego inhibits true success by preventing a direct and honest connection to the world around us.” – Ryan Holiday
  • “Honesty is the fastest way to prevent a mistake from turning into a failure.” – James Altucher
  • “Friendship is not threatened by honest criticism. It is strengthened.” – Charles Swindoll
  • “Honesty is never seen sitting astride the fence.” – Lemuel K. Washburn
  • “It is not the lie that passes through the mind, but the lie that sinks in and settles in it, that does the hurt.” – Francis Bacon
  • “Whoever is careless with the truth in small matters cannot be trusted with important matters.” – Albert Einstein
  • “Your conscience is the measure of the honesty of your selfishness. Listen to it carefully.” – Richard Bach
  • “Honesty is something you can’t wear out.” – Waylon Jennings
  • “An honest man can feel no pleasure in the exercise of power over his fellow citizens.” – Thomas Jefferson

Articles Related to Honesty

Want to learn more? Here are some related articles that might be helpful.

Books Related to Honesty

To keep learning, here are some books to explore:​​

Final Thoughts on Honesty

Honesty is a simple concept, but it is difficult to consistently implement. The reality is that our lives are replete with moments of potential conflict, whether within ourselves or between people, and being honest in those moments takes courage and effort. If you’ve been reflecting on your own relationship with honesty as you read this and maybe cringing a bit, well – me too. As I said before, I hope we can all aspire to more honesty in our lives, while still being gracious with ourselves for the moments when complete and outright honesty is just not quite possible. This growth mindset around honesty can help us stay out of shame and motivated to build our practices of honesty.

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