Intimacy: Definition, Levels, & Issues

By Charlie Huntington, M.A., Ph.D. Candidate
Reviewed by Tchiki Davis, M.A., Ph.D.
Intimacy is the closeness that comes from deeply knowing and feeling safe with another person. Why can it be so hard to get the intimacy we crave? Let’s see what science says.
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There is one night of dancing that I sometimes recall. In a beautiful, wood-paneled dance hall in Denver Colorado, beneath a canopy of Christmas lights and to the rhythms of a slow, smooth blues song, I danced with a woman whose name I never learned. Dancing is often intimidating for me, but this dance was effortless. We glided around the floor, our bodies gently and gracefully coming together and parting. We didn’t speak, nor did we need to; somehow, trust was just there, communicated in our touch.
When I hear the word “intimacy”, it is often that moment that comes to mind. When people are open, trusting, and engaged with each other, intimacy develops, even if it is just for the four minutes that a song plays. I have sought that level of effortless, deep connection many times since then and only rarely found it. I think true intimacy is like that, too – unless the stars align, or we put a lot of work in, it’s hard to have.
​
I’m not the only one seeking intimacy – there are few things more naturally human than to crave meaningful connection with another being. Unfortunately, it also seems that fearing connection is often just as human. Can science help us understand this tension we all feel? Let’s see how psychology research might help us have more intimacy in our lives.  
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​What Is Intimacy? (A Definition)

Intimacy can be defined, at its simplest, as the experience of feeling close to another person (Jamieson, 2007). Notice that I wrote “feeling close”, not “being close” – as you, like me, are probably painfully aware, it is quite possible to be physically close to other people without “feeling” close to them. Intimacy is a felt experience.
 
Defining intimacy can get confusing because intimacy is a word that some people reserve for references to romantic relationships (calling them “intimate relationships”) and sexual relationships (for example, saying, “they were intimate with each other”). However, the broader definition of intimacy seems to be focused not on sexuality or romance, but on something called self-disclosure (Jamieson, 2007). We become intimate by really knowing each other, and that requires disclosing the most vulnerable and protected parts of ourselves.
 
I think this additional aspect of the word intimacy can help us understand why there can be sexual and romantic behaviors and activities that are not intimate, and why there can be purely platonic interactions that are. Have you ever seen a couple out to dinner that does not seem to have anything to say to each other? Or have you heard a friend recount a sexual encounter that seems to have ment little to them? Intimacy is found in the depth of emotional connection more than it is found in any specific acts.
 
In addition to self-disclosure, other key aspects of intimacy seem to be expressing care and affection, being validated by the relationship and the other person, and experiencing trust (Descutner & Thelen, 1991; Hook et al., 2003). It is not enough to share deeply of ourselves: we also need to feel that the person listening cares about us, sees us as good, and is trustworthy.

Why Is Intimacy Important?

Intimacy is so fundamental to our well-being that it is an entire category in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs (Maslow, 1943). Once our even more basic needs for food and shelter and for safety and security are met, the next need on the pyramid is that of love and belonging – in other words, intimacy. Being around other people helps us meet our basic needs, but feeling close to those people – feeling attached to them – is in many ways just as important (McAdams, 1989).

Benefits of Intimacy

Intimacy is an essential part of healthy development and well-being. In fact, the ability to form meaningful connections with other people is considered a fundamental need, especially in adolescence and young adulthood (Erikson, 1959). The intimate connections in our lives help us understand who we are, show us how to connect with others, and give us the feeling that we are safe and accepted.
 
Beyond our personal well-being, the behaviors that create intimacy between people are also associated with happier and more fulfilling relationships (Reis & Shaver, 1988). Perhaps that’s no surprise: if we effectively self-disclose with other trustworthy people, and we respond effectively to their efforts to be intimate, then we are likely to have deep and meaningful relationships. Without this kind of intimacy, most of us would feel lonely, anxious, and without purpose.

Levels of Intimacy

The seven levels of intimacy are a continuum of behaviors that grow increasingly intimate (Kelly, 2005). This is a helpful way of understanding how people develop intimacy because it highlights how intimacy is built gradually and is difficult to force. I will illustrate the seven levels with examples from my many evenings in sports bars:

  1. Cliches. Every time I see someone wearing a Red Sox hat, I am tempted to shout, “Yankees suck” – one of the most cliché things one Red Sox fan can say to another.
  2. Facts. Conversations during the big game sometimes graduate from talking in cliches to discussing the facts of a certain player’s recent performance.
  3. Opinions. If I sense that the other person at the bar is open to conversation, I might offer my opinion on what’s happening on-screen, or ask him his.
  4. Hopes and Dreams. I am likely to discuss hopes and dreams with the friend who met me at the bar, not the other patrons.
  5. Feelings. When I greet my friend outside the bar, I might say with genuine affection, “I really missed you.”
  6. Faults, Fears, and Failures. Sometimes our conversations get so involved that we stop paying attention to the game. At this point, one of us might be describing a recent struggle, or gently pushing the other person to overcome a fear.
  7. Legitimate Needs. There are few things more vulnerable than stating a need and asking for it to be met. Not too many of these get discussed while watching football.​​

Intimacy Issues

Intimacy is an essential human need, but also inherently a vulnerable experience, so intimacy issues are unsurprisingly common. This is because the stakes are so high: few things can bring us more joy, or more pain and regret, than close relationships (Bradbury & Karney, 2010). Intimacy issues occur whenever a person has difficulty initiating behaviors that generate intimacy or difficulty responding to bids for intimacy from other people (McCarthy & Thestrup, 2008).
 
I believe that nearly all of us experience intimacy issues to some degree, because we all have had interactions with other people where being intimate did not feel safe, and we had to protect ourselves. That said, people with intense intimacy issues may want to seek professional help in overcoming them.

Intimacy vs Isolation

As noted above, prominent psychologists have long believed that establishing intimacy is a fundamental developmental task, or something that a person must do to live a healthy life (Erikson, 1959). Without intimacy, we risk being stuck in isolation, with our social needs going unmet.
 
To understand how we move toward intimacy or isolation, you can think of each attempt we make to connect with another person as a bid for intimacy that can be either punished or positively reinforced (Cordova & Scott, 2001). For example, if I open up to a new friend about a mental health challenge I’m experiencing, and they look away and change the subject, I will feel rejected, and I might be less likely to open up that way again. On the other hand, if they try to listen empathically to my experiences and even share about something they’re struggling with, I experience a deepening of intimacy with that person.
 
At the same time, even seemingly negative responses to our bids for intimacy may get reinforced, leading to intimacy that is harmful but persistent. An example that comes to mind for me is when a young child voices their desire louder and louder, until the parent that has been ignoring them yells at them to shut up. For children, attention of any kind is still a form of intimacy, and even though these interactions may be unpleasant for everybody involved, they will continue to happen if they create a sense of intimacy for the child.​​

Intimacy in a Relationship​

Intimacy occurs only in relationships, and generally requires self-disclosure more than anything else. One scholar noted that self-disclosure between two people lowers relationship boundaries between those two people, but it often has the interesting side effect of increasing boundaries between those two individuals and the other people in their lives (Jamieson, 2005).
 
Indeed, there is something about intimacy in close relationships that makes them distinct from the more regular or everyday interactions we have. Whether a friendship or a romantic relationship, an intimate relationship is made special by our conscious decisions to create intimacy through self-disclosure. We seem to place particular value on relationships that are built on this kind of trust; we see them as better, or purer, than relationships built on convenience or less vulnerable interactions (Giddens, 1992). ​​

Intimacy in Marriage

While nearly all marriages involve a lot of interactions and physical proximity, that does not mean they are necessarily all that intimate. It is clear that intimacy, even in marriage, flourishes or languishes depending on how many regular, everyday interactions bring the spouses together or push them apart (Laurenceau et al., 2005). Couples that develop a sense of “we-ness”, where they use their interactions to build a sense of shared identity, tend to experience more intimacy and satisfaction (Holmes, 2004). For (mostly) better and (occasionally) worse, a merging of identities is a natural outcome of sustained intimacy.​​

Fear of Intimacy

As we discussed above, many people experience intimacy issues, which often come down to a fear or avoidance of intimacy. People who fear intimacy often report less of a desire to connect with other people, self-disclose less often, and experience more loneliness (Descutner & Thelen, 1991).
 
For many men, fear of intimacy is driven by the unhelpful belief that intimacy, particularly in the form of sharing emotions, is a feminine behavior (Anderson, 2009). This is one of the primary concerns many scholars and therapists voice about traditional masculinity – it leaves people with few options for building real intimacy (Brooks, 1998). However, as boys and men embrace more flexible definitions of masculinity, they are able to experience more intimacy (Anderson, 2009).
 
If you think fear of intimacy is holding you back, I think the following video might be helpful for you:​​

Video: 5 Ways to Overcome Your Fear of Intimacy

Intimacy Coaches

The term “intimacy coach” can refer to a couple different professions. One such role, often called being an “intimacy coordinator”, is that of helping actors have safe and consensual experiences of performing sexual intimacy in movies and on stage (Richardson, 2019). Many people, with or without training in therapy, are also marketing themselves as life coaches who can help you have more intimacy in your life.​​

Quotes on Intimacy

Here are some of my favorite quotes about intimacy:
  • “Real connection and intimacy is like a meal, not a sugar fix”. – Kristin Armstrong
  • “People think that intimacy is about sex. But intimacy is about truth. When you realize you can tell someone your truth, when you can show yourself to them, when you stand in front of them bare and their response is ‘You’re safe with me’—that’s intimacy.” – Taylor Jenkins Reid“Intimacy transcends the physical. It is a feeling of closeness that isn’t about proximity but of belonging. It is a beautiful emotional space in which two become one”. – Steve Maraboli“It is not time or opportunity that is to determine intimacy—it is disposition alone. Seven years would be insufficient to make some people acquainted with each other, and seven days are more than enough for others”. – Jane Austen
  • “This is intimacy: the trading of stories in the dark”. – Elizabeth Gilbert
  • “The purpose of an intimate relationship is not that it be a place where we can hide from our weaknesses, but rather where we can safely let them go. It takes strength of character to truly delve into the mystery of an intimate relationship, because it takes the strength to endure a kind of psychic surgery, an emotional and psychological and even spiritual initiation into the higher Self. Only then can we know an enchantment that lasts”. – Marianne Williamson

Articles Related to Intimacy

​Want to learn more? Check out these articles:

Books Related to Intimacy

If you’d like to keep learning more, here are a few books that you might be interested in.

Final Thoughts on Intimacy

I hope this article has helped you understand your own experiences with intimacy. I encourage you to trust your intuition about when and with whom you open up. Most people want close relationships and crave intimacy—most people are also at least a little afraid of the vulnerability it takes to build that intimacy. Be gentle, but also brave, with yourself. More fulfilling relationships likely await you.​​​

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