Boundaries In Relationships: Definition, Benefits, & Examples

By Charlie Huntington, M.A., Ph.D. Candidate
Reviewed by Tchiki Davis, M.A., Ph.D.

Relationships only work if they have effective boundaries for each person involved. How do we establish boundaries in relationships? What are the benefits of doing so? Let’s see what the science says.

Boundaries In Relationships: Definition, Benefits, & Examples

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I recently went for a walk with a friend who once meant a great deal to me and whom I still care about. As we updated each other on our lives, I mentioned a certain decision I had made, which she immediately protested vehemently. Instantly, I felt transported back to the days when we were much closer – and her words carried much more weight with me, often swaying me to change my mind against my better instincts. I steeled myself and said, “I don’t think I want to talk about this anymore if you are going to react that way.”

After a few moments, she apologized, explaining where her strong reaction had come from. I thanked her, explained my own experience some more, and we were able to carry on talking. The same situation that would have derailed the conversation years ago – and this was part of the pattern that drove us apart back then – was something we could handle now, thanks to better relationship boundaries.

Relationship boundaries are hard to establish and maintain, though, and that relationship of mine is a great example that time is needed to figure these things out. Let’s define relationship boundaries and see what the science has to say about establishing good relationship boundaries.

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What Are Boundaries In Relationships? (A Definition)

Relationship boundaries are the rules or expectations for interacting with each other that determine how independent – or interdependent – two people will be (Baucom et al., 1996). Firm boundaries generally lead to more independence, while less firm boundaries encourage the two people to share and rely on each other more. For example, in a romantic relationship, couples will often have different boundaries about how partners behave in response to feeling attraction to other people. A firm boundary might require that each partner disclose attractions as soon as they are felt, while a looser one might be that partners never speak of their attractions. Both of these boundaries can help a couple feel safe in their relationship – it’s just a matter of what the couple wants.

It is a basic idea of couple’s therapy and family therapy that boundaries that are not rigid enough, or too rigid, will result in difficulties in that given relationship (Minuchin, 1974). I would argue this is true of all relationships: successful connection exists when the two people find the right mix of closeness and distance, as established by relationship boundaries. Since we and our worlds are always changing, this means most relationships will need to continually negotiate boundaries.

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Why Are Boundaries In Relationships Important?

Relationship boundaries that work for us – but can still change – are important because they allow us to feel safe connecting, caring, and being vulnerable (Snyder & Luchner, 2000). It is clear from research on romantic relationships that people who take the time to articulate their desired boundaries with their romantic partners tend to have higher quality partnerships (Baucom et al., 1996). Unsurprisingly, this is even more the case if those relationship boundaries are actually being honored and met by their partners.

Another way we can see the importance of relationship boundaries is by considering the fates of people who struggle to establish and maintain them. For example, people with borderline personality disorder rely heavily on how their relationships with other people make them feel—they do so for their own sense of self and well-being. When these relationships are not going well, they may swing back and forth between pushing the other person away and desperately trying to keep them near (Beeney et al., 2015). As you might imagine, this tends to be upsetting for the other person and leads to relationships ending or becoming very dysfunctional. In other words, the inability to maintain effective boundaries can quickly lead to the loss of meaningful relationships.

Benefits of Boundaries In Relationships

A primary benefit of boundaries in relationships is that they help us manage the balance between two key needs of ours: to be related to others and to be self-defining (Blatt, 2008). We all have an integral need for a positive identity that draws on how we understand ourselves to be singular and unique, and we all need some degree of intimacy with other people. To grow into a healthy, functioning adult, we must successfully overcome challenges in both directions (Luyten & Blatt, 2013) so that we can meet our continually changing needs for both connection and autonomy.

I have personally experienced these benefits in both directions. Recently, this has looked like learning to increase my degree of intimacy with people I trust while scaling back my involvement in relationships that hurt my ability to self-define. To return to the example with which I started this article, I have had to maintain a healthy distance from people whose words I can take too seriously, whose influence over me is stronger than is healthy. Similarly, I have come to avoid spending too much time with people with whom it is hard to connect. In these relationships, I end up performing some unrealistic version of myself in an effort to get that person to connect with me, and I know this is not healthy.

At the same time, when I recognize that another person offers support and care and is trustworthy, I try to open my boundaries more, seeking a deeper connection. I know the benefits of this greater level of relatedness, so I try to push past fears of vulnerability.

Examples of Healthy Boundaries In Relationships

Another way to look at boundaries in relationships is that they are used to establish the right level of privacy in each relationship (Petronio, 2002). It has long been observed that the growth of technology presents an ever-evolving challenge to our ability to attain just the right amount of privacy and autonomy in each relationship (e.g., Katz & Aakhus, 2002). For one couple, being in regular texting communication throughout the day can create a feeling of connection and safety; for another couple, this might feel exhausting or invasive. For a couple in which one partner has been unfaithful, less privacy might build more trust, and the couple might decide that the betrayed partner will be able to track the unfaithful partner by their phone’s location at all times.

Examples of Unhealthy Boundaries In Relationships

Unhealthy boundaries in relationships are those boundaries that bring people too close for comfort or keep them too far apart. We can call these two patterns enmeshment and disengagement (Davies et al., 2004).

Enmeshment is when boundaries are too porous and two people are too close for their own good (although they might vehemently argue otherwise!).
Disengagement is when boundaries are too firm and the two people are kept unhealthily distant from each other.

Having relationships that follow each of these patterns tends to be associated with certain personality traits (Blatt, 2008). People who get too close, or enmeshed, often get a sense of power or meaning from being closely involved in another person’s life. They may be needy—that is, they would experience distance from the other person as a reason to worry about being abandoned or no longer needed (Blatt et al., 1995). For this reason, they may ignore or push back on relationship boundaries – these boundaries are keeping them from getting the reassurance they seek (Rude & Burnham, 1995). This is different from being healthily connected, in which one’s concern for the other person is driven by concern for their needs, not a desire to meet one’s own needs.

Disengaged individuals, on the other hand, may be preoccupied with making sure they are not reliant on other people or that other people cannot define them too strongly (Blatt, 2008). They may fear losing control if they are vulnerable, so they keep firm boundaries to avoid ever getting into such a situation.

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How to Set Boundaries in Relationships

The simplest way to set boundaries in relationships is to talk about them, something that most romantic couples do at some point in their relationship (Richters et al., 2014). Many times, couples assume that rules are implicitly understood, which leads to difficulties when partners realize that they actually have different definitions of “being on time” or “being faithful” or “putting our relationship first” (Petronio, 2002). When rules are not clear, or there is incompatibility between the expectations each person has, relationship tension is sure to follow (Petronio, 2002).

For these reasons, boundaries in relationships must be set through transparent and direct communication. I suggest that when issues of boundaries come up, each person involved take some time to reflect on what boundaries would work best for them. They can then articulate this to the other person, perhaps in a format like this: “I want us to interact at least once a day, even just through a quick text. This will help me feel that we are connected, but not feel pressured to say a lot if I’m feeling like taking time to myself. This way, I will want to talk to you, but not end up resenting how much we ‘have to’ talk.”

How to Enforce Boundaries in Relationships

Boundaries in relationships also help us understand our relationships – they provide a meaningful context in which to interpret another person’s behavior (Hill et al., 2010). Think about how it feels to be hugged by somebody you know closely and deeply trust; now, imagine being hugged by a coworker you just met, or with whom you’ve never spoken. Not so warm and cozy, right?

We can enforce boundaries by referring back to the nature of the relationship. For example, getting a highly personal question from a coworker might be the moment to gently say, “That’s not the kind of topic that I usually discuss at work.” At the same time, if a family member questions your decision-making at work, you might want to respond with a gentle boundary setting: “I love hearing your concern for me, but you’re my brother, not my supervisor. If I want advice about professional matters, I will ask for it.”

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Boundaries in Romantic Relationships

Boundaries are especially challenging in romantic relationships because developing such a close connection involves some degree of merging with the other person (Aron et al., 2004). We enjoy the sense of our world expanding as we welcome another person into it, as we come to see the world through a “we” lens. This lens, which psychologists call the “self-other boundary”, helps us have deep and meaningful relationships (Quintard et al., 2021).

At the same time, we can have too much or too little of this merging. The necessary boundaries in romantic relationships involve several domains (Fye & Mims, 2019).

First, behavioral boundaries keep us from engaging in actions that could hurt the relationship, such as flirting with someone else.
Second, cognitive boundaries help maintain the relationship by reducing risk to the relationship. For example, you might practice thinking of a gratitude when you find yourself comparing your partner unfavorably to someone else.
Finally, boundaries can include having reasonable expectations for relationships. For example, it is important not to expect our partners to meet all our needs (Perel, 2007).

Boundaries in Professional Relationships

Boundaries are essential for professional relationships. Without boundaries that clearly define which behaviors are inappropriate, unprofessional, and even illegal in occupational settings, it is difficult to have a healthy culture in an organization (Perry, 2020).

Boundaries in Mentoring Relationships

Boundaries in mentoring relationships can be complicated; depending on the setting, mentors can be clear authority figures or something closer to an older sibling or peer. A mentor and mentee may seem like friends but are not in fact equals, and navigating this dynamic can be challenging (Barrowclough & White, 2011). Mentor-mentee relationships with a “moderate” level of structure and support seem to be most beneficial (Langhout et al., 2004).

Boundaries in Open Relationships

Boundaries are especially important for people in open (romantic) relationships. For an open relationship to work, partners must both consent to, and be comfortable with, as well as continually renegotiate, the relationship boundaries they have developed (Hangen et al., 2020).

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Final Thoughts on Boundaries In Relationships

Whether you’ve thought about it or not, each of your relationships feature boundaries. In some relationships, boundaries may be a challenge for you, the other person, or both of you. I hope you take the time to consider what your needs are for boundaries in each relationship. It is always worth it to articulate these needs to the other person – it usually makes the relationship stronger as a result. If you’d like to hear some more thoughts on this process, I recommend watching the following video:

Video: Setting Boundaries in Relationships (A Beginner's Guide)

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References

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Barrowclough, K. W., & White, C. H. (2011). Negotiating relationship boundaries in adult-adolescent mentoring relationships. Southern Communication Journal, 76(2), 137-154.
Baucom, D. H., Epstein, N., Rankin, L. A., & Burnett, C. K. (1996). Assessing relationship standards: the inventory of specific relationship standards. Journal of Family Psychology, 10(1), 72-88.
Beeney, J. E., Stepp, S. D., Hallquist, M. N., Scott, L. N., Wright, A. G. C., Ellison, W. D., Nolf, K. A., & Pilkonis, P. A. (2015). Attachment and social cognition in borderline personality disorder: Specificity in relation to antisocial and avoidant personality disorders. Personality Disorders, 6(3), 207–215
Blatt, S. J. (2008). Polarities of experience: Relatedness and self-definition in personality development, psychopathology, and the therapeutic process. American Psychological Association.
Blatt, S. J., Zohar, A. H., Quinlan, D. M., Zuroff, D. C., & Mongrain, M. (1995). Subscales within the dependency factor of the Depressive Experiences Questionnaire. Journal of Personality Assessment, 64(2), 319-339.
Davies, P. T., Cummings, E. M., & Winter, M. A. (2004). Pathways between profiles of family functioning, child security in the interparental subsystem, and child psychological problems. Development and Psychopathology, 16, 525–550.
Fye, M. A., & Mims, G. A. (2019). Preventing infidelity: a theory of protective factors. The Family Journal: Counseling and Therapy for Couples and Families, 27(1), 22-30.
Hangen, F., Crasta, D., & Rogge, R. D. (2020). Delineating the boundaries between nonmonogamy and infidelity: bringing consent back into definitions of consensual nonmonogamy with latent profile analysis. Journal of Sex Research, 57(4), 438-457.
Hill, I., Pilkonis, P. A., & Bear, I. (2010). Social domains, personality, and interpersonal functioning. In L. M. Horowitz & S. Strack (Eds.), Handbook of interpersonal psychology: Theory, research, assessment, and therapeutic interventions (pp. 281). John Wiley & Sons.
Katz, J. E., & Aakhus, M. (Eds.). (2002). Perpetual contact: Mobile communication, private talk, public performance. Cambridge University Press.
Langhout, R. D., Rhodes, J. E., & Osborne, L. N. (2004). An exploratory style of mentoring in an urban context: Adolescents’ perceptions of relationship styles. Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 33, 293–306.
Luyten, P., & Blatt, S. J. (2013). Interpersonal relatedness and self-definition in normal and disrupted personality development: retrospect and prospect. American Psychologist, 68(3), 172-183.
Minuchin, S. (1974). Families and family therapy. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.
Perel, E. (2007). Mating in captivity: unlocking erotic intelligence. New York: HarperCollins.
Perry, S. J. (2020). Changing the narrative on harassment and discrimination training: building an organizational culture with healthy professional boundaries. Industrial and Organizational Psychology, 1-5.
Petronio, S. (2002). Boundaries of privacy: Dialectics of disclosure. Albany, NY: State University of New York Press.
Quintard, V., Jouffe, S., Hommel, B., & Bouquet, C. A. (2021). Embodied self-other overlap in romantic love: a review and integrative perspective. Psychological Research, 85, 899-914.
Richters, J., Heywood, W., Pitts, M. K., Shelley, J. M., Simpson, J. M., Patrick, K., & Smith, A. M. (2014). Who’s cheating? Agreements about sexual exclusivity and subsequent concurrent partnering in Australian heterosexual couples. Sexual Health, 11(6), 524-531.
Rude, S. S., & Burham, B. L. (1995). Connectedness and neediness: Factors of the DEQ and SAS dependency scales. Cognitive Therapy and Research, 19(3), 323–340.

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