Guilt Tripping: Definition, Examples, & Phrases

By Charlie Huntington, M.A., Ph.D. Candidate
​Reviewed by Tchiki Davis, M.A., Ph.D.
Guilt tripping is making somebody feel guilty about a behavior of theirs. Is this abusive? What does it look like? Let’s look at the definition of guilt tripping and review some examples.
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I once dated someone who held very strong political views and wanted to see a lot of change in the world. While I mostly shared their views, I was not as much of an activist and felt more ambivalence about certain political stances. Sometimes we argued about what and how much to do with regards to these political causes, and they often asserted that my privilege meant I was obligated to be more active, to give more of my time and energy. When I wavered on certain topics, they sometimes said that I was part of the problem. I often capitulated to their requests because these conversations left me so upset that I would rather acquiesce than try to articulate my position.​
When I look back on those moments in that relationship, I can see that my partner cared so much about those causes, and believed so strongly that she was right, that she was willing to go to great lengths to make sure that I, as her partner, was on board, too. Unfortunately, those lengths included guilt-tripping me about my hesitations. I felt guilty in those moments, and I continue to feel guilty when I think about how privileged I am. But having that guilt imposed upon me never felt good and was counterproductive – it made me want to get away, not stay engaged.
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This article looks at the science around guilt tripping – who does it, how it is done, and what it sounds and looks like. If you’ve been on either end of a guilt tripping episode, I hope this research is helpful for you.​
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What Is Guilt Tripping? (A Definition)

To define guilt tripping, we must first get clear about what guilt is. Guilt is an unpleasant feeling that surfaces in response to a certain action we did or did not take, one that we believe was not appropriate to do (Lewis, 1971). When we feel guilt, we are looking at ourselves and saying, “I am responsible for this behavior that I know to be wrong” (Leith & Baumeister, 2008). There is often a social component to guilt: my wrongful behavior may have harmed others or may put me at risk of being rejected by others (Leith & Baumeister, 2008).
 
While we can feel guilt simply from becoming aware that we did something wrong, when we are guilt tripped by somebody else, they make us feel guilty by pointing out what we did and what the impacts are (Price, 1990). The guilt tripper usually does this with a desire to make us behave differently in the future, and their motives can vary from being helpful, such as helping us avoid a compromising situation in the future, to being harmful, such as trying to control us for their own benefit.
 
When somebody guilt trips another person, they are banking on the fact that when people feel guilty in relationships, they usually try to fix the situation by apologizing, making amends, or doing something else to resolve what happened (Leith & Baumeister, 2008). Doing this requires looking at the situation from the other person’s perspective, so guilt tripping can also be a way for the guilt tripper to get their target to see the situation as they see it.​

Guilt Tripping Examples

Guilt tripping, by its nature, happens in relationships, and so examples of guilt tripping will typically come between at least two people. I remember many times in childhood that, after a particularly rambunctious period of time in the classroom, my teachers would stop everything and berate the class for being disrespectful and poorly behaved. There was a strong element of guilt tripping to this, and if I had been involved in the misbehavior, I did feel guilty. If I had not been participating in the shenanigans, I felt frustrated that I was being lumped in with the guilty parties.
 
This example from my childhood is illustrative of how guilt tripping often happens when one party has let the other down or hurt them in some way (Baumeister et al., 1994). In other words, it is in relationships where there are obligations between people that guilt tripping can occur.
 
Guilt tripping for lack of action
Here is a good example of a guilt trip in which a lack of action is called into question (Fischer, 2022): Suppose you call an old friend, someone with whom you were once very close, to catch up. They remind you that they moved to a new city recently. They then proceed to tell you how lonely they find the new city and how it’s been kind of sad that none of their friends have visited so far. They even wonder aloud, in a tone that suggests some self-pity, when they will have something like that to look forward to.
 
Would you feel guilty in this scenario? I know I would. Even though no accusation was made, the implications – I am lonely, you are my friend, you as my friend are obligated to visit me but have not done so – are clear. And it might work; I know I would feel some desire to say that I would visit, just to relieve my guilty feelings.​

Guilt Tripping Phrases

Here are some phrases often used in guilt tripping, which can help provide more examples of what it looks like:
​
“If you really X, then you would Y.” This is a classic way of inducing guilt around a behavior somebody is not doing. I am reminded of all the times I have heard a child say something along the lines of, “If you really loved me, you would let me have that dessert.” (I never had the courage to say that line myself, but I sure did want to!) A far more insidious example comes from the realm of abusive relationships (more on this below), where abusers will try to coerce their partners into certain behaviors by saying, “If you really loved me, you would do this for me.”

Another statement is, “You know better than that.” A statement like this not only clearly communicates that you did something wrong, but it just as importantly implies that you are aware of how you should behave and might have even deliberately behaved otherwise. I know I have heard many parents and teachers say this to a child. When the child’s behavior was premeditated and intentional, I think the adults may have something of a point. But when the behavior was impulsive – and with children, it usually is – then this statement just induces a whole lot of guilt where it isn’t needed.
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“That’s not how we do things” or “We don’t act that way here.” These sentences imply a clear violation of values; they send the message that your behavior puts you at risk of being separate from everybody else.​

Is Guilt Tripping Manipulation?

Since guilt tripping is the act of inducing guilt in another person, it is by definition manipulation (Simon, 2010). Manipulative behaviors have several traits, all of which can be found in guilt tripping: the concealing of one’s desire to control, knowing where the person is psychologically vulnerable, and being willing to cause them psychological pain to meet one’s own needs (Simon, 2010).
 
Think about it: guilt tripping is inserting guilty thoughts and feelings into somebody else’s day, where perhaps none were before. If I tell you that you are being selfish or do not care enough about something, I am not only inducing guilt in you, but I am also putting myself in a position of moral superiority. Therefore, I am exerting a kind of control of you (Simon, 2010).
 
Is guilt tripping always bad?
Okay, so guilt tripping is a form of manipulation. Is it always bad? Well, emotions can be unpleasant or pleasant, but they are never actually good or bad. There are many upsides to feeling guilt: primarily, it can help us make moral choices, feel empathy, and work to maintain our social connections (Leith & Baumeister, 2008). If – and this is a hard if – a person can skillfully and gently induce enough guilt in another person so that they take important action to correct a wrong situation for themselves, then I would say that guilt tripping may be morally acceptable. However, I am afraid that most of the time, guilt tripping is used to meet the needs of the person doing the guilt tripping, and in that sense, it is an unhealthy manipulation.​

Is Guilt Tripping a Form of Abuse?

When guilt tripping is taken to extremes – that is to say, somebody does it repeatedly, with the goal of controlling another person, or it is done to such an extent that the target of the guilt tripping becomes very upset – it constitutes abuse (Simon, 2010). For example, it is a common tactic of emotional abuse to tell one’s romantic partner repeatedly that they are ungrateful or do not express their love sufficiently. These statements are usually delivered with the intention of coercing the target of the guilt trip to reduce that guilty feeling by doing what the abuser wants them to do (Follingstad et al., 2005).
 
Abusers may even use guilt tripping to justify their own wrongful behaviors (Price, 1990). For example, an abuser might blame their partner for the fact that they yelled at and shoved their partner after a visit to the partner’s family. For example, “You know how much your dad drives me nuts with his political rants. If you didn’t insist on us going to visit your family, I wouldn’t get upset like that.”   

Is Guilt Tripping a Form of Gaslighting?

Guilt tripping can definitely be a form of gaslighting, such as when it involves the induction of guilt where it is not appropriate or no responsibility exists. I am reminded of the dramatic moment in The Lion King where Scar insinuates that Mufasa’s death is Simba’s responsibility, causing Simba to run away. When people make us question our own experience and try to define reality for us, including through guilt tripping, they are engaging in gaslighting.

Guilt Tripping From Parents

Parents who guilt trip their children are exercising a form of psychological control or manipulation in their parenting (Winner & Nicholson, 2018). Although parents may have the reasonable goal in guilt tripping their children of trying to make them behave in socially acceptable ways (Mandara & Pikes, 2008), this tactic is associated with a range of negative outcomes in children, including higher rates of depressive symptoms, narcissism, and obsessive-compulsive disorder, and lower self-esteem (Frost et al., 1994; Leith & Baumeister, 2008; Mandura & Pikes, 2008; Winner & Nicholson, 2018).​

How to Stop Guilt Tripping

If you are aware that you guilt trip other people, you may or may not experience guilt about it yourself (Baumeister et al., 1995). It can be easy to justify guilt tripping somebody else, even if we know we would not like to be treated that way ourselves. One way to stop guilt tripping others is to ask yourself, when you are upset at somebody else’s behavior, what behavior you would like from them instead. See if you can find a way to directly request that they behave that way next time. You could say, for example, “It annoys me when you say you will take out the trash, then forget to do it. I don’t want to make you feel guilty about forgetting again, but I do want this to change. Can you change something so that you remember next time?”

For some advice on how to handle being on the receiving end of a guilt trip, I recommend watching this video:

Video: Watch This to Never Feel Guilty Again

Guilt Tripping Quotes

  • “People get into a heavy-duty sin and guilt trip, feeling that if things are going wrong, that means that they did something bad and they are being punished. That’s not the idea at all.” – Pema Chodron
  • “Once you become a mother, you always have a guilt trip. You always try to do the best, but you feel you can always be better.” – Gal Gadot
  • “The journey of life is both too short and too precious to be sidetracked by guilt trips.” – Bill Crawford
  • “We know that babies develop as well in nonmaternal as in maternal care, as long as the care is of good quality. The issue is not who gives the care but the quality of that care… The guilt trip is, in my view, a hangover of another era and of unacknowledged tactics to keep women in their proper place—at home full-time.” – Sandra Scarr

Articles Related to Guilt Tripping

​Want to learn more? Check out these articles:

Books Related to Guilt Tripping

If you’d like to keep learning more, here are a few books that you might be interested in.

Final Thoughts on Guilt Tripping

I imagine you’ve been on both ends of a guilt trip. I know I have. I hope this article has made clear that while guilt tripping may be an effective way to change people’s behavior, it is not a pleasant or consensual one. Our collective psychological health will be better off if we do the necessary work to figure out how to ask for changes from others without inducing unnecessary guilt in the process.​

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