Emotional Unavailability: Definition, Causes, & Signs

By Arasteh Gatchpazian, M.A., Ph.D. Candidate
​Reviewed by Tchiki Davis, MA, PhD

Do you ever feel like you can’t open up emotionally in relationships? Or perhaps you’ve encountered this in someone else? If so, keep reading to learn more about emotional unavailability. ​

*This page may include affiliate links; that means we earn from qualifying purchases of products.

Imagine you’ve been dating someone for a while and everything seems to be going great. You have similar values, common interests, and you genuinely enjoy their company. There is one thing that seems off though, but you can’t pinpoint what it is exactly. Although you’ve gotten to know the person, you still feel like you haven’t really connected to them on a *deeper* level. 

They shy away from conversations about their emotions, avoid displays of affection, and might even make you feel like you’re in the wrong for being ‘emotional’. They might seem distant or cold, but if they’re dating you, they must have some interest right? Maybe this is something you’ve experienced before or perhaps this is how you tend to act in most of your relationships. If this is the case, you may want to learn more about emotional unavailability. Learn about what it means, the signs, tips to improve, and how you can spot it in your relationships.

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What is Emotional Unavailability? A Definition

To define emotional unavailability, it may be useful to first consider what it means to be the opposite -- emotionally available. One of the most important ingredients in a secure and healthy relationship is the ability to ‘show up’ for the other person emotionally (Saunders et al., 2015). Put differently, emotional availability refers to the extent to which partners share a healthy emotional connection.

Researchers define emotional availability as “an individual’s emotional responsiveness and ‘attunement’ to another’s needs and goals; key is the acceptance of a wide range of emotions rather than responsiveness solely to distress” (pp. 80, Emde, 1980). Based on this, emotional availability involves not only negative emotions (e.g., anger) but also positive emotions (e.g., happiness).

This could include:

• Showing empathy during difficult or challenging times
• Providing emotional support or encouragement
• Demonstrating genuine care and affection
• Encouraging and listening to emotional responses 
• Intimacy and commitment to the relationship
• A sense of meaningful connection at a deeper level

On the flip side, what does it mean to be emotionally unavailable?
This describes someone who is unable to connect with their feelings or their partner’s feelings. This person has trouble opening up emotionally, shies away from discussing their feelings, and fears intimacy. As you can tell, emotional unavailability can pose a serious intimacy barrier (i.e., both mental and physical) and may never allow the relationship to reach its fullest potential. Keep reading to find out more signs of emotional unavailability.

How Does Emotional Unavailability Develop?

You may have heard of attachment theory, which is an important foundation to understand emotional (un)availability. This theory proposes that the bond between a mother and her child is based on an emotional connection. The pioneering work that explored infant-mother attachment styles (Ainsworth et al., 1978) identified three attachment styles to describe the behaviors of the child when separated from the mother:
​

• Secure: These infants explore when their mother is around, protest when she leaves, are able to regulate their emotions when separated, and greet the mother with joy when reunited
• Insecure-anxious: These infants barely explore when mothers are around, are highly distressed when she leaves, and are angry with mothers for abandoning them when they return.
• Insecure-avoidant: These infants barely interact with their mothers and show barely any reaction when she leaves and returns.

Other research has found a fourth attachment style: disorganized (Main & Solomon, 1990). These infants are confused, disoriented, angry, and detached.

It is proposed that these early formed attachment styles can carry on into relationships we experience in adulthood. There has been a large body of research that has consistently shown that emotional availability and attachment are linked. Based on what you read above, what might you predict? 

You might have guessed that securely attached individuals are more emotionally available, which is what the research shows (e.g., Aviezer & Sag-Schwartz, 2008; Biringen et al., 2005). One study looking at a parent and child separation-reunion found that emotional unavailability was linked to attachment disorganization. This attachment style often develops in cases of neglect, abuse, or domestic violence, and is present with children with developmental disabilities (Cassidy & Shaver, 2008). 

Signs & Symptoms of Emotional Unavailability

There are a few signs that can help you identify whether you or someone in your life is emotionally unavailable, as outlined by professionals (Mateo, 2019).

Signs that you are emotionally unavailable:
1. You are afraid of commitment -- this seems like more of a job than something that makes you feel a connection to someone
2. You don’t trust people easily  -- you question other people’s intentions and are suspicious of others
3. You avoid “deep” conversations -- you withdraw from these conversations and never let yourself be vulnerable in front of the other person
4. You want to keep your options “open” -- you don’t want to be ‘exclusive’ and prefer to have the option of seeing other people. This may be to avoid developing an attachment to one person.
5. You are defensive -- You are reactive to conflict but don’t actually want to talk about it or acknowledge the emotions after the fact 

Signs that your partner is emotionally unavailable:
1. They minimize your feelings -- your feelings are often invalidated (e.g., they may try to use humor to waive off your emotions). This may make you feel like an ‘overly emotional’ person, when in reality you may be perfectly reasonable in your reaction.
2. They are uncomfortable talking about anything emotional - conversations are kept at a surface level and don’t get deeper. They especially avoid topics about the future. 
3. They get defensive easily -- they may blame you for your problems and can’t own up to their role in conflicts 
4. They are inconsistent in their communication -- they play ‘games’ with you, like not texting for days or being vague with plans. They may ghost you for weeks and then pop back into your life. 
5. They avoid labeling the relationship -- they may refuse to define the relationship or avoid having the conversation. This makes it unclear what exactly they want from you.

Video: 8 Signs of Emotional Unavailability

How to Overcome Emotional Unavailability in a Relationship

​If you have noticed any of the signs of emotional unavailability in your relationship, it may be time to start reflecting on this. Here are a few questions to consider:

• How do I feel in response to their behaviors?
  • Try to use “I” statements and write down how you specifically feel in response to instances where they display emotional unavailability
  • If they are open to it, you can help them identify their unavailability and work together to overcome it
• Are they acknowledging their emotional unavailability?
  • People who are emotionally unavailable people can change their ways, but it is up to them to first recognize that they indeed have a problem and decide that they want to fix it. 
  • After this crucial step, they can begin the journey of self-reflection and tuning into their emotions so that they can ‘show up’ for future relationships. 
• Is their emotional unavailability affecting me negatively?
  • This can be super draining and can have a negative impact on your mental health. Ask yourself whether you are sacrificing your own happiness in this relationship.  If the answer is yes, it may be time to reconsider the relationship
• Is this relationship important enough for me to fight for it?
  • This can involve individual or couples therapy that can be incredibly beneficial for a relationship. It may help the other person open up emotionally with an unbiased third party. 
• Am I enabling this behavior?
  • This is not to say that another person’s emotional unavailability is your fault, or responsibility to fix, but it may be important to reflect on whether you are enabling the behavior. It’s important to set boundaries and be clear about what you want and deserve in a relationship.

Tips for Being More Emotionally Available

• Focus on strengthening your current relationships
  
  • Try opening up with your most long-standing and stable relationships (e.g., an old friend, family member). People who are more familiar with you will be easier to open up to than complete strangers.
    
• Take a break from new relationships to work on yourself
  
  • Put a pause on forming relationships and focus on the relationship you have with yourself. Reflect on your fears and insecurities, and what holds you back in relationships.
    
• Learn how to cope with your emotions in a healthy way
  
  • If you don’t allow yourself to feel your emotions, it will be difficult for you to have an emotionally healthy relationship. 
    
  • Practice self-love and acceptance of your emotions, instead of shutting them down
    
  • Mindfulness and meditation can also be useful tools to help you feel grounded and connected with your emotional self
    
• Seek help from an unbiased professional
  
  • It can be easy to live in your head, but sometimes you need to open up to a real person. This may be a therapist before you move onto a new love interest. ​
    

Emotional Unavailability Quiz

​The term “emotional availability” has been used since the 1970’s, but a measure was only recently validated and developed in the last 20 years. Given that this was first studied in child-parent interactions, the measure focuses on the emotions and behaviors of the adult in this relationship. This Emotional Availability scale consists of six subscales, four that measure the adult’s emotions/behaviors, and two that measure the child’s side of the relationship (Biringen, 2008).

For adults:

• Sensitivity. This consists of emotions and behaviors that are used to maintain a positive, healthy relationship connection. This is in response to both positive and negative emotions.
• Structuring. This refers to the extent to which an adult can support the child’s learning and/or guide them to greater understanding. At the optimal level, structuring guides a child but also allows the child to be autonomous and independent. This can also be applied to romantic relationships, where partners may help each other learn and grow as the relationship develops, but isn’t intruding on the other person’s autonomy.
• Nonintrusiveness. This refers to letting the child take the lead and follow their guidance as to what they need without interference. 
• Nonhostility.  This focuses on how the adult regulates their emotions. Hostility involves not controlling displays of your own negative emotions around someone else. A failure in emotion regulation leads to the outward display of negative emotions, such as impatience, frustration, or boredom.

For kids:

• Responsiveness. The child is engaged and reacts to the parent initiating an interaction.
• Involvement. The child invites the parent to engage in an activity together.

Although this scale focuses on the emotional connection between a child and parent, the authors suggest that this can be applied to many different types of relationships. The word for word items may not seem relevant to your relationship with a romantic partner or friend, but it hints at the different aspects that may be important to consider when gauging whether someone is emotionally unavailable. 

After this test is administered, the scores are classified into one of four categories, which correspond to the different attachment types mentioned earlier

• emotionally available (secure attachment)
• complicated (insecure-anxious attachment)
• detached (insecure-avoidant attachment)
• problematic or disturbed (disorganized attachment)

Video: ​The Difference Between Healthy and Unhealthy Love

Articles on Topics Related to Emotional Unavailability

Want to better understand emotions? Here are some more related articles to read. 

• ​Emotional Health: Definition + 19 Tips
• List of Emotions: 271 Emotion Words (+ PDF)
• Emotional Skills: 25 Skills That Improve Your Life
• Emotion: Definition, Theories, and List of Emotions
• ​​Active Listening: Definition, Skills, Techniques & Exercises​​

Books on Emotional Unavailability

Here are a few books that may help you learn more about emotional unavailability.

• Emotional Unavailability : Recognizing It, Understanding It, and Avoiding Its Trap​​
• Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind—and Keep—Love​
• If We're Together, Why Do I Feel So Alone?: How to Build Intimacy with an Emotionally Unavailable Partner

Final Thoughts on ​Emotional Unavailability 

Being emotionally unavailable doesn’t mean you are incapable of love. You’re not a bad person either. It simply means that you may have to work on deeply rooted thought-patterns and behaviors that are currently serving as a barrier to emotional intimacy. This can be an opportunity to look inward and reflect on your fears and concerns. Growth is possible, even if it takes some time. 

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References

• Aviezer, O., & Sagi-Schwartz, A. (2008). Attachment and non-maternal care: towards contextualizing the quantity versus quality debate. Attachment & human development, 10(3), 275-285.
• Biringen, Z. (2008). The Emotional Availability (EA) Scales Manual, 4th Edn. Boulder, CO: International Center for Excellence in Emotional Availability.
• Biringen, Z., Damon, J., Grigg, W., Mone, J., Pipp‐Siegel, S., Skillern, S., & Stratton, J. (2005). Emotional availability: Differential predictions to infant attachment and kindergarten adjustment based on observation time and context. Infant Mental Health Journal: Official Publication of The World Association for Infant Mental Health, 26(4), 295-308.
• Cassidy, J., and Shaver, P. R. (2008). Handbook of Attachment: Theory, Research, and Clinical Applications. New York: Guilford Press.
• Emde, R. N. (1980). Emotional availability: A reciprocal reward system for infants and parents with implications for prevention of psychosocial disorders. P.M. Taylor (Ed.). Parent–infant relationships. Grune & Stratton.
• Mateo, A. (2019, October 10). 10 Signs Your Partner Is Emotionally Unavailable. Retrieved from The Oprah Magazine: https://www.oprahmag.com/life/relationships-love/a27899292/signs-emotionally-unavailable-partner/
• Saunders, H., Kraus, A., Barone, L., & Biringen, Z. (2015). Emotional availability: theory, research, and intervention. Frontiers in Psychology, 6, 1069.​​

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