Enabling: Definition, Behaviors, & Tips

By Charlie Huntington, M.A., Ph. D. Candidate
​Reviewed by Tchiki Davis, M.A., Ph.D.
When we enable others, we allow them to keep behaving in ways that don’t serve them. Read on to learn about enabling behaviors and how to change them.
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I was once curious about visiting another country, but I felt anxious about whether that country was safe or worth the time. I brought my uncertainty to a friend, who counseled me not to do it. I instantly felt a rush of relief, thinking that I didn’t have to go through with it.
Looking back, though, it is possible that my friend was enabling me to stay comfortable and safe. For a variety of well-meaning reasons, this is something we all do to each other – try to “save” each other from a painful experience. Sometimes, though, we need to go through those tough things, and our friends or family enable us when they try to keep us comfortable. Read this article to learn the definition of enabling, see some examples, and find out some ways you can reduce the enabling behaviors that are happening in your life.

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What Is Enabling in Psychology? (A Definition)

Generally speaking, enabling means giving somebody the ability to do something. In the world of psychology, enabling has an additional connotation: that of giving the ability to stay the same when staying the same might not be healthy (Rotunda et al., 2004).
 
That is a pretty vague definition so far, right? Let’s make it a little more concrete. In general, behaviors that are not healthy for us should have negative consequences for us. If I am late for an important meeting, I could reasonably expect some kind of negative professional consequence. But what if my colleague decides to cover for me, making up an excuse about me being sick that suddenly gets me sympathy instead of a scolding? Suddenly, it is okay that I was late – no harm done. And here’s the important part: I might be even more likely to show up late next time, because this time, only good things happened when I was late.
 
In other words, we can think of enabling as creating a neutral to positive outcome where a negative outcome should have happened. Then, we are more likely to do whatever it was that should have ended badly.

Opposite of Enabling

The opposite of enabling is letting people experience the full consequences of their actions – especially the negative ramifications. There are many reasons we might want to spare people the consequences of their actions, but especially in the case of unhealthy behaviors, it is often the repercussions that move people to change their ways.

Enabling Behaviors

We are most likely to engage in enabling behaviors when we don’t believe we can handle the negative consequences that will befall somebody else (Stillar et al., 2016). In these circumstances, the person we could call the “enabler” may fear what is going to happen or even be ready to blame themselves for not stopping the negative consequences from happening (Stillar et al., 2016). For example, many enablers feel that they are ultimately responsible for the well-being of the person they are enabling (Rotunda et al., 2004), so they will step in with whatever enabling behavior is necessary to avoid the negative outcomes.

Examples of Enabling

The clearest examples of enabling come from instances where people protect their loved ones from the immediate negative consequences of behaviors associated with mental illnesses – at the cost of enabling those negative behaviors to continue in the longer term (Rotunda et al., 2004).
 
Let’s take the example of the family members of an alcoholic. They may hide facts about the alcoholic’s behavior from other people, stay close to or avoid the alcoholic to keep them from getting upset, and go to great lengths to help the alcoholic avoid legal or professional consequences for their drinking (Kala, 2016). Sometimes, family members or partners may even drink with their alcoholic relatives, perhaps with the excuse that their drinking will be easier to manage this way (Rotunda et al., 2004).
 
Another enabling behavior is to set boundaries and not follow through on them (Rotunda et al., 2004). For example, one partner may say to the other, “If you come home drunk again, I’m kicking you out,” but feel too sympathetic when they see how helpless and upset their partner is the next time they come home drunk.
 
Another mental health disorder in which families can be enablers is the case of eating disorders. People with eating disorders often get support and accountability with eating a sufficient amount of nutritious food each day from the people they live with (Anderson et al., 2021). However, these mealtimes can be very distressing experiences for people with eating disorders, and it is challenging for family members and friends to witness this. Research has documented how family members may change family routines and expectations around food to minimize the distress of their loved ones with eating disorders – and their own distress (Anderson et al., 2021). However, this has the unfortunate side effect of preventing those loved ones from progressing in their eating disorder recovery.
 
A lot of enabling behaviors can also look like inaction, or turning a blind eye. For example, if a parent never stops cleaning up for a child as they age, or says nothing when money disappears from their wallet, they are sending a message that certain behaviors – never cleaning up after oneself, taking money without asking – are okay.
 
Finally, kind of like in the example from my own life, we can enable other people’s anxiety to persist, rather than help them challenge it. When one spouse does not stop the other from checking for the ninth time that the oven is off, or does not intervene as they continually check their email for work updates, they are letting that person engage in unhealthy behaviors that maintain their anxiety.

Enabling in Addiction

Now we know all about what enabling can look like. Knowing the downsides of enabling – chiefly, that an unhealthy behavioral pattern gets to keep going – why would people be enablers? Why would they let problems persist? For a painful but easily understandable example of why people enable, we need look no further than the loved ones of people in addiction.
 
In a nutshell, enabling behaviors happen when people would rather reduce how painful a situation is than face the reality of it and work to change it. This happens all the time, especially in family systems with addiction, and it happens because our empathy gets the better of us (Foote et al., 2014).

Enabling in Addiction Example
Let’s look at an example. Suppose your teenage son showed up drunk to a multigenerational family gathering, like Thanksgiving dinner. While he has been drinking to excess often, the extended family is not aware of it yet. Would you let him face the discomfort of his aunts, uncles, and cousins seeing him this way? Would you be willing to bear the pain of explaining what’s happening to his grandparents? Wouldn’t it be tempting to tell everyone he has food poisoning, hurry him over to the bathroom, and take care of him instead? Wouldn’t that save everybody a whole lot of embarrassment, awkwardness, and emotional distress?
 
As I hope you can see, the enabler is in a real bind – caught between the desire to protect everybody in the situation from unpleasantness and the need for a certain behavior to face natural consequences so that it may change (Foote et al., 2014). The enabler might even feel responsible for the whole situation – “everyone’s holiday will be ruined if I don’t cover this up” – and think that they would be to blame if things got worse for the addict (Sheff, 2013). Enablers may know what they are doing isn’t ultimately helpful and want to hold the line with the people they are enabling, but they often end up giving in to the desire to smooth over the situation instead (Nordgren et al., 2020).

Enabling vs Empowering

As might be clear by now, enabling somebody keeps them from growing. After all, what reason would you have to change your destructive behaviors if other people handle all the fallout for you? In this sense, enabling behaviors are the opposite of empowering.

Empowering can be defined as giving somebody else what they need to do more – to grow and develop or to reach their goals (Hokanson-Hawks, 1992). Holding someone accountable for their actions – not enabling them, in other words – can be empowering, even though it might not make sense initially. When we don’t let people off the hook for something they’ve done, we empower them to take responsibility for their actions and learn from the experience.

Empowering is also different from enabling in that it encourages independence in the person that is being empowered. If I am enabling my sister to maintain her shopping addiction by paying for the occasional binge or helping her get another credit card, is she ever going to figure things out on her own? It’s unlikely.

Enabling vs Helping

Enabling and helping can often look very similar. If I offer to call my colleague each week before our shared meetings to make sure they’re not late again, I’m just being helpful, right? It is important to distinguish between behaviors that help people feel better right now versus those that help people do better in the long-term. The first option could definitely be enabling, while the second option is more helpful, possibly even empowering.

Enabling and Codependency

Enabling behaviors are a classic example of something that happens in a codependent relationship. When two people are codependent, one of them puts tons of effort into managing the other person’s emotions, because the first person can only feel okay if that other person is okay. I bet you can see where this is going: in codependency, enabling behaviors protect the person who is misbehaving from the emotional consequences of their actions. The enabler does this so that neither person has to feel bad.
 
The full range of examples of enabling that we have already discussed are often done by people who are codependent. This can even go as far as making it easier for the other person to misbehave (McGrath & Oakley, 2012). For example, the partner of an alcoholic might think, “It’s easier for everybody if I just give him twenty dollars myself; that way he doesn’t go asking all his relatives and he doesn’t go to the ATM and take out even more money.”

Tips to Overcome Enabling

Here are a few key strategies to reduce your engagement in enabling behaviors:
 
1)    Build coping skills (Thomas et al., 1996). It is always hard for our loved ones to suffer. Letting them suffer so that things can change takes a lot of self-restraint and self-control. If you are enabling others, it will get easier not to do so when you have the tools to take care of the negative emotions that come up for you in these moments. Enablers have their own needs, and they need to take care of those needs. Research tells us that it’s easier not to enable when you’re taking good care of yourself (Goddard et al., 2011).

2)    Identify your enabling behaviors. With the help of a trusted friend or therapist, reflect on the situations in which you think you might be enabling somebody else. Try to identify (1) what your specific behavior is, (2) what negative emotions you’re trying to avoid, and (3) how this might encourage the other person to keep doing that behavior. If you can, be scientific, not self-judging, in this exercise. We all naturally want to avoid pain.

3)    Pick an alternative behavior and practice it. Research tells us that with the right focus and support, people can change a couple of enabling behaviors at a time (Thomas et al., 1996). Pick an enabling behavior that you engage in and ask yourself what an alternative is that allows the natural consequences of the situation to unfold. Then, you might roleplay choosing the other reaction in a conversation with a therapist or friend you trust.
For a more in-depth guide to stopping enabling behaviors, check out this video from a therapist specializing in helping people in addiction and their families:

Video: How to Stop Enabling Addiction

Articles Related to Enabling

Want to learn more? Here are some related articles that might be helpful.

Books Related to Enabling

To keep learning, here are some books to explore:​​

Final Thoughts on Enabling

I encourage you to see enabling behaviors as a natural result of the fact that as humans, we can’t help but love and care for each other. It’s painful to see the people you love suffer, and when that pain is acute, you’d probably go to great lengths to stop it. When we stop enabling others, we give them the chance to experience the fruits of their actions; although that can hurt more in the moment, it might be the most loving thing we can do.

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