Self-Sabotage: Definition, Behaviors, & How to StopBy Zamfira Parincu, BA, Researcher
Reviewed by Tchiki Davis, M.A., Ph.D. What is self-sabotage? Find out how you can recognize self-sabotaging behaviors in your life and learn how to stop them.
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What Is Self-Sabotage? (A Definition)Self-sabotage happens when your actions or thoughts hold you back from accomplishing what you want. Sometimes, you do this without even realizing it because often, self-sabotage can show up as subtle patterns such as procrastination or fear of failure. But when you sabotage yourself, the behavior and thought patterns you engage in create obstacles in achieving your goals.
Self-sabotage means you’re getting in your own way. Sometimes, you might be very aware of your behavior, for example when you procrastinate on an important task or don’t stick to a plan after making commitments—like when you get a new meditation app but never use it. Other times, sabotage can look less clear. For example, you might create distance between yourself and your partner after an intimate moment, maybe after they said: “I love you.” In this example, you may be preparing in case the relationship doesn’t work but you may also be self-sabotaging a potentially successful relationship. We might believe we want happiness in our lives, especially in relationships and careers. So perhaps it could be surprising to hear that we sometimes engage in destructive behavior that actually serves to ruin our chances at happiness. Philosopher Alain de Botton argues that although fundamentally we all want happiness, for many of us, it’s not really what we grew up with, and so we engage in self-sabotaging behaviors. Because we grew up in environments where happiness didn’t really exist, the idea and prospect of finally achieving it might make us feel frightened or undeserving. You can watch the short video on why we self-sabotage below. Video: Self-SabotageAlthough self-sabotage looks negative, it actually started as a protective mechanism to keep us safe from any potential danger or harm. For our minds, what is familiar is considered safe, so any attempt to let go of the familiar and embrace the unfamiliar might trigger self-sabotaging mechanisms.
A licensed psychotherapist explains that when we want to make a change in our lives—maybe to eat healthier or practice more yoga—alarm bells in our internal system start saying, “Danger! Danger!” Then, the brain sends a command to engage in a familiar behavior to bring us back to what’s familiar (Lebow, 2021). Because of this relationship between our personal goals and the brain trying to keep us safe, it’s important to learn the signs of self-sabotage and what to do to stop it. We will discuss this in more detail below. Signs of Self-SabotageHere are some examples of self-sabotage behaviors that you might engage in. Some of them are more obvious, but others are harder to recognize.
You can also watch the video below that gives examples of self-sabotage and explain the signs to look out for. Video: 7 Signs of Self-SabotageSelf-Sabotage in RelationshipsRomantic self-sabotage is when a person uses a pattern of self-destructive behaviors in relationships to disrupt the growth of the relationship and justify failure (Peel & Caltabiano, 2020). Researchers also note that the main reasons why people might engage in such behaviors are related to their insecure attachment style, a negative self-concept, such as feeling inferior, or unhealthy relationship beliefs and expectations (Peel et al., 2019).
People who self-sabotage in relationships might assume that their partners would eventually leave or that the relationship would fail. In one study conducted in Australia (Peel et al., 2019), participants who engage in sabotaging behaviors used one or more of the “Four Horseman of the Apocalypse”—a term coined by psychologist John Gottman. Gottman identified four main behaviors that are likely to break a relationship: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. Sabotage in relationships can look a variety of different ways (Retta, 2020), including:
Most people who sabotage relationships do so for one main reason: to protect themselves. However, sabotaging yourself only leaves you with more hurt and disappointment in the long run. If you’re curious about what to do if you find yourself in the situation of constantly sabotaging relationships, you can watch the TEDx video below from one of the lead researchers on this topic. Video: Why Do We Sabotage Love?Why Do We Self-Sabotage?There are many reasons why you might actively damage your own well-being, relationships, or career through self-sabotage. Some explanations on self-sabotage are subtle or more unconscious, such as dysfunctional and distorted beliefs that might make you underestimate yourself or jeopardize relationships. Here are some more reasons why you might be sabotaging yourself:
How to Stop Self-SabotageSelf-sabotage is the brain’s way of telling you that you are about to leave what’s familiar and go toward what’s unfamiliar. And this is normal: your brain is just trying to keep you safe. However, this might stand in your way of achieving your goals. To stop self-sabotaging, it can be helpful to become more aware of your triggers and practice being more comfortable with the unfamiliar. Here are some tips to consider:
Self-Sabotage Quotes
Articles Related to Self-SabotageHere are some more articles to read that can help you overcome self-sabotage:
Books Related to Self-SabotageWant to keep learning how to stop self-sabotage? Check out these books:
Final Thoughts on Self-SabotageSometimes, it is easier to sabotage yourself than to take responsibility for your actions and achieve your goals. And that’s because this is the brain’s way of trying to protect you from emotional pain or loss. However, if this coping mechanism is in the way of achieving your goals, there are a few things that you can do to stop sabotaging yourself and to learn how to get the life you want.
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