Self-Sabotage: Definition, Behaviors, & How to Stop

By Zamfira Parincu, BA, Researcher
​Reviewed by Tchiki Davis, M.A., Ph.D.
What is self-sabotage? Find out how you can recognize self-sabotaging behaviors in your life and learn how to stop them.
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We’ve all been there: buying a gym membership with the goal of exercising more often and then never using it or planning to start an assignment early but then postponing it until the very last minute. You might even ask yourself why you keep doing this or talk negatively to yourself when it happens. If you feel trapped in patterns that keep repeating themselves even though you’d like for more positive outcomes to happen, you might be experiencing self-sabotage. This usually happens when despite trying to work toward changing a behavior, you end up in the same place over and over again. In this article, we’ll talk about how to recognize self-sabotage, why you might be engaging in such behaviors, and how to stop it.
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What Is Self-Sabotage? (A Definition)

Self-sabotage happens when your actions or thoughts hold you back from accomplishing what you want. Sometimes, you do this without even realizing it because often, self-sabotage can show up as subtle patterns such as procrastination or fear of failure. But when you sabotage yourself, the behavior and thought patterns you engage in create obstacles in achieving your goals.

Self-sabotage means you’re getting in your own way. Sometimes, you might be very aware of your behavior, for example when you procrastinate on an important task or don’t stick to a plan after making commitments—like when you get a new meditation app but never use it. Other times, sabotage can look less clear. For example, you might create distance between yourself and your partner after an intimate moment, maybe after they said: “I love you.” In this example, you may be preparing in case the relationship doesn’t work but you may also be self-sabotaging a potentially successful relationship.

We might believe we want happiness in our lives, especially in relationships and careers. So perhaps it could be surprising to hear that we sometimes engage in destructive behavior that actually serves to ruin our chances at happiness. Philosopher Alain de Botton argues that although fundamentally we all want happiness, for many of us, it’s not really what we grew up with, and so we engage in self-sabotaging behaviors. Because we grew up in environments where happiness didn’t really exist, the idea and prospect of finally achieving it might make us feel frightened or undeserving. 

You can watch the short video on why we self-sabotage below.

Video: Self-Sabotage

Although self-sabotage looks negative, it actually started as a protective mechanism to keep us safe from any potential danger or harm. For our minds, what is familiar is considered safe, so any attempt to let go of the familiar and embrace the unfamiliar might trigger self-sabotaging mechanisms. 

A licensed psychotherapist explains that when we want to make a change in our lives—maybe to eat healthier or practice more yoga—alarm bells in our internal system start saying, “Danger! Danger!” Then, the brain sends a command to engage in a familiar behavior to bring us back to what’s familiar (Lebow, 2021). Because of this relationship between our personal goals and the brain trying to keep us safe, it’s important to learn the signs of self-sabotage and what to do to stop it. We will discuss this in more detail below.

Signs of Self-Sabotage

Here are some examples of self-sabotage behaviors that you might engage in. Some of them are more obvious, but others are harder to recognize.
  • Not taking responsibility for your actions. Sometimes, our misfortunes are the result of someone else. But more often than we’d like to think, we also play a part when things go wrong. It’s important to take the time and reflect on how your actions contributed to what went wrong—be careful not to sabotage your chance to learn and grow from that experience.
  • Procrastination. You might avoid an important task by reorganizing the spice rack, deep-cleaning the house, or learn a bunch about some topics unrelated to the task at hand. Although this can feel productive, many times is can sabotage your success.
  • Negative self-talk. If this is related to your fear of failure, then negative self-talk can increase your sabotaging thinking patterns. For instance, you might feel worried to start a new task because you have no experience doing it.
  • Giving up when things get more difficult. Sometimes it is perfectly fine to let go of a person or situation that doesn’t meet your needs anymore. However, self-doubt about whether you can succeed at your job might make you engage in self-sabotaging behaviors that keep you from being successful.

You can also watch the video below that gives examples of self-sabotage and explain the signs to look out for.

Video: 7 Signs of Self-Sabotage

Self-Sabotage in Relationships

Romantic self-sabotage is when a person uses a pattern of self-destructive behaviors in relationships to disrupt the growth of the relationship and justify failure (Peel & Caltabiano, 2020). Researchers also note that the main reasons why people might engage in such behaviors are related to their insecure attachment style, a negative self-concept, such as feeling inferior, or unhealthy relationship beliefs and expectations (Peel et al., 2019). 

People who self-sabotage in relationships might assume that their partners would eventually leave or that the relationship would fail. In one study conducted in Australia (Peel et al., 2019), participants who engage in sabotaging behaviors used one or more of the “Four Horseman of the Apocalypse”—a term coined by psychologist John Gottman. Gottman identified four main behaviors that are likely to break a relationship: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.

Sabotage in relationships can look a variety of different ways (Retta, 2020), including:
  • Choosing incompatible partners
  • Ignoring negative emotions
  • Holding grudges
  • Criticizing
  • Focusing on things outside of the relationship, such as cheating

Most people who sabotage relationships do so for one main reason: to protect themselves. However, sabotaging yourself only leaves you with more hurt and disappointment in the long run.

If you’re curious about what to do if you find yourself in the situation of constantly sabotaging relationships, you can watch the TEDx video below from one of the lead researchers on this topic.

Video: ​Why Do We Sabotage Love?

Why Do We Self-Sabotage?

There are many reasons why you might actively damage your own well-being, relationships, or career through self-sabotage. Some explanations on self-sabotage are subtle or more unconscious, such as dysfunctional and distorted beliefs that might make you underestimate yourself or jeopardize relationships. Here are some more reasons why you might be sabotaging yourself:
  • Control. Self-sabotage might not make you successful, but at least you are in control of the failure.
  • Fear of failure or success. Although it may sound counterintuitive, you might self-sabotage from a fear of being successful, as it can mean more responsibility, expectations, or work. It’s also possible that you have a fear of trying and not succeeding because when you try and fail, you might ruminate about not being good enough, not smart enough, or not important enough.
  • Familiarity. People truly like to be consistent and, more often than not, choose familiarity over happiness. Suppose you’re used to being put down, overlooked, or unloved and appreciated. In this case, it can be more familiar and comfortable to be in situations where you will be treated similarly, even though it is not healthy. 
  • Imposter syndrome. Imposter syndrome, the belief that you’re not good or talented enough for something, might make you afraid of taking the risk that someone might find out you’re a “fraud” (or at least that’s how you see it).
  • Fear of happiness. Sometimes, self-sabotaging is related to your fear of happiness. And it makes sense. If you grew up in an environment where there was not that much happiness, you might be afraid of happiness.

How to Stop Self-Sabotage

Self-sabotage is the brain’s way of telling you that you are about to leave what’s familiar and go toward what’s unfamiliar. And this is normal: your brain is just trying to keep you safe. However, this might stand in your way of achieving your goals. To stop self-sabotaging, it can be helpful to become more aware of your triggers and practice being more comfortable with the unfamiliar. Here are some tips to consider:
  • Know yourself. To fight the cycle of self-sabotage, it is important to learn your triggers and identify your self-sabotaging behaviors. You might want to take time to reflect or find patterns in your behavior. So look for areas in your life where things seem to go wrong regularly or where you’d like to achieve more happiness. For instance, you may unconsciously sabotage your relationship by detaching yourself emotionally when you realize the relationship is becoming more serious.
  • Practice mindfulness. When you focus your awareness in a non-judgmental way on some of the triggers or behaviors that lead to self-sabotage, you can not only learn more about yourself but also generate more self-understanding.
  • Practice self-compassion. Studies show that having self-compassion is related to happiness, wisdom, and emotional resilience, but less with narcissism (Neff, Rude & Kirkpatrick, 2007). When you practice self-compassion, you can more easily go from where you are now to where you want to be.
  • Practice acceptance. You can try practicing radical acceptance by saying things such as “What happened in the past cannot be changed. I can react differently now”.
  • Reframe. One reason self-sabotage is so common is that some parts of our brain are trying to keep us safe from danger. Try to shift the narrative from “This makes me scared” to a compassionate curiosity. This is how you retrain the brain to become an “ally” instead of the “enemy” and stop the self-sabotaging cycle.
  • ​Get more comfortable with failure. Self-sabotage might come from a fear of failure or rejection, which can make you avoid trying hard things. If you don’t try, then you can’t fail. In this case, you unconsciously sabotage yourself. For example, in a new and happy relationship, you might be inclined to believe it is only a matter of time before things start to get worse, so you start to do things that create tension (like fighting or becoming angry).

Self-Sabotage Quotes

  • ​“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” ― C. G. Jung
  • “What is required for many of us, paradoxical though it may sound, is the courage to tolerate happiness without self-sabotage.” ― Nathaniel Branden
  • “Do not sabotage your new relationship with your last relationship’s poison.” ― Steve Maraboli
  • “That is how life feels too often. Like you're doing everything you can to survive only to be sabotaged by something beyond your control, maybe even some darker part of yourself.” ― Emily Henry
  • “The only reason I can’t jump in and engage life is that I’ve told myself I can’t. Yet I can’t helping wondering would happen if I told myself I could?” ― Craig D. Lounsbrough 
  • “Sometimes we self-sabotage just when things seem to be going smoothly. Perhaps this is a way to express our fear about whether it is okay for us to have a better life. We are bound to feel anxious as we leave behind old notions of our unworthiness. The challenge is not to be fearless, but to develop strategies of acknowledging our fears and finding out how we can allay them.” ― Maureen Brady

Articles Related to Self-Sabotage

Here are some more articles to read that can help you overcome self-sabotage:​

Books Related to Self-Sabotage

Want to keep learning how to stop self-sabotage? Check out these books:​​​

Final Thoughts on Self-Sabotage

Sometimes, it is easier to sabotage yourself than to take responsibility for your actions and achieve your goals. And that’s because this is the brain’s way of trying to protect you from emotional pain or loss. However, if this coping mechanism is in the way of achieving your goals, there are a few things that you can do to stop sabotaging yourself and to learn how to get the life you want.

References

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