Stonewalling: Definition, Tactics, & Examples

By Charlie Huntington, M.A., Ph. D. Candidate
​Reviewed by Tchiki Davis, M.A., Ph.D.
Stonewalling is shutting somebody else out when a topic or relationship doesn’t feel safe. Where does stonewalling come from, and how do we recognize and deal with it?
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We all reach the limits of our capacity to handle arguments at times. Sometimes it is because we are tired, or the topic is particularly charged for us, or we know that this kind of argument never seems to end well.​

When people get overwhelmed by conflict, there are a variety of strategies they can use – some more effective than others. 
This article focuses on a particularly damaging and ineffective form of dealing with an argument: stonewalling. Read on to learn the definition of stonewalling, what it looks like, and how you can get yourself or somebody else out of a pattern of stonewalling. ​
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What Is Stonewalling? (A Definition)

Stonewalling is withdrawal from a conversation when the other person raises a criticism or concern (Gottman, 1989). In the face of a conversation that somebody does not want to have, they simply tune out, or refuse to talk about the topic at hand. The key aspect here is that there is some kind of conflict that needs to be resolved, but one person is simply unwilling to have that conversation.

Stonewalling in Relationships

Stonewalling is a behavior that occurs in relationships. It has been studied the most in the context of romantic relationships (e.g., Gottman, 1994), because conflict and the need for effective conflict resolution are hallmarks of romantic relationships.
 
Research tells us that stonewalling happens most in couples that have a certain kind of dynamic. In particular, stonewalling is most frequent in couples where one person is more likely to get upset about things, and then voice those concerns, while the other person tends to avoid conflict (Busby & Holman, 2009). This is also sometimes called a pattern of demand and withdraw behavior (Holley et al., 2013).  
 
Relationships where one or both partners stonewall the other are generally much less satisfying and stable than relationships that do not feature stonewalling (Busby & Holman, 2009). As we will see in more detail below, stonewalling is often a sign that a relationship has devolved to the point where one or both partners are so reluctant to engage with the other that they stonewall against any kind of meaningful connection (Gottman, 1994).

Stonewalling Tactics & Behaviors

What does stonewalling look like? What behaviors are associated with stonewalling? A telltale sign of stonewalling is intentionally not paying attention to the other person, especially when they are trying to get the stonewaller’s attention (Coan & Gottman, 2007). When a stonewalling person does engage in conversation, they will use little eye contact, give minimal answers, not move around much, and not advance the conversation in any meaningful way (Gottman, 2000). For example, they may turn away from the person who is speaking, respond in grunts, or simply not respond to what has been said (Gottman & Levenson, 1992).
 
Another tactic that clearly demonstrates the desire to stonewall in the conversation concerns facial expressions. Stonewalling involves little facial movement (Coan & Gottman, 2007). The face of a person who is stonewalling may look frozen or stiff, like they are clenching their neck and jaw tightly (Gottman, 1989). This could reflect the actual physical effort involved in resisting the natural urge to respond to somebody who is speaking to you. It is effortful to shut down in the face of somebody you are close to, but that is exactly what stonewalling entails.

Examples of Stonewalling

Here are a couple situations in which one person in the relationship is stonewalling the other:
 
Stonewalling example 1:
A mother tries to voice her concerns to her teenage daughter about the fact that her boyfriend is much older than she is. As the mother continues to ask questions, the daughter gives shorter and shorter responses. She sits down at the kitchen table and keeps her eyes trained on the placemat. She stops showing any signs that she is reacting to what her mother says. As the mother’s voice gets louder and louder, the daughter clenches her fists together to keep herself from bursting out in response. She looks like a pot about to boil.

Stonewalling example 2:
A husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching TV after dinner. During a commercial break, the wife brings up the question of whose family they will visit for the winter holidays – the subject of a lengthy debate between them every year. Her husband says, “I don’t want to talk about it,” and keeps his eyes glued to the screen. As his wife makes her case for one family over the other, he responds with occasional, quick “mm-hmm”s, continuing to avoid meeting her gaze. Finally at her wit’s end, his wife exclaims, “Don’t you have anything to say?” Without looking at her, he gets up, retorts, “I don’t see why we have to do this after dinner and ruin a perfectly good night,” and walks out of the room.

Causes of Stonewalling

What causes a person to stonewall? Many psychologists have noted that people who have trouble securely attaching to others will use ineffective or even harmful communication behaviors when they are caught in a conflict (e.g., McNelis & Segrin, 2019). For example, if I do not trust myself to communicate my needs effectively, or I think that sharing my feelings will make you hate me or harm our relationship, I may try not to have the conversation in the first place.
 
The romantic relationships researcher John Gottman, who was one of the first people to define and study stonewalling, described the series of events by which a person can arrive at stonewalling (Gottman, 1994). In the face of initial criticism, a person can easily become defensive. When that defensiveness is met with contempt (for example, if I told you I was afraid of having dinner with your parents, and you told me to just grow up already), I might stonewall you to avoid having to face your contempt.
 
On the other hand, it might be that in certain circumstances, any criticism is just too much; it floods our systems, and in the face of that overwhelm, we instinctively try to shut everything out. For example, a person who has experienced sexual assault might become flooded when their partner makes a sexual advance toward them. In this situation, stonewalling might be a very natural response – it seems likely to keep them safe from having to think about it or be sexual.

Stonewalling, Gaslighting, and Manipulation

Stonewalling, like gaslighting, can be considered a form of manipulation. Manipulation in a relationship often looks like an effort to unilaterally meet your own needs, regardless of what the other person wants. Stonewalling certainly fits that definition – it is a refusal to meet the other person’s needs, while prioritizing your own. 

Is Stonewalling Abuse?

While there are times when stonewalling-like behaviors may be helpful for the relationship (see the section on Stonewalling versus Boundaries below), a person who regularly engages in stonewalling, completely shutting their partner out and leaving issues unresolved, is causing substantial emotional distress to their partner (Gottman, 1994). In this sense, stonewalling can certainly be abusive.
 
To get a sense of the abusive nature of stonewalling, we can consider the results of a powerful study that looked at how much stonewalling behavior, as observed in a single conversation, was related to couples’ health twenty years later. Haase and colleagues (2016) found that the amount of stonewalling they observed was related to the appearance of musculoskeletal problems, such as hypertension, twenty years later.

Stonewalling Effects on Victim

The previous study should give you a sense of the effects on the recipients of stonewalling behaviors. Additionally, it is psychologically painful to be ignored or feel disconnected from your partner as the result of stonewalling (Wright & Roloff, 2009).
 
In fact, Gottman and Levenson (2000) described the presence of stonewalling as one of the surest signs that a relationship might soon end. He observed that stonewalling sends the clear message that the stonewaller is not interested in trying to save, or even work on, the relationship. Since stonewalling behaviors often follow after a couple has had many more intense, louder fights, it can indeed feel like one or both partners have given up. Indeed, it is an act of taking as much psychological and physical space from one’s partner as possible without actually leaving them (Gottman & Levenson, 1992).

Stonewalling vs Boundaries

Stonewalling is a unilateral, heavy-handed way of setting boundaries. A person who is stonewalling is not comfortable directly expressing the boundaries they need, so they instead establish boundaries by minimizing engagement. The unspoken message regarding boundaries is, “I do not feel safe communicating with you, and if you try to engage with me, especially on challenging topics, I will only push you away and withdraw more.” Below, we will consider how to set boundaries in ways that preserve, rather than threaten, one’s relationship.

Stonewalling vs Silent Treatment

Stonewalling is different from giving someone the silent treatment. The silent treatment means simply not responding at all to one’s partner, regardless of what the other person says. By contrast, stonewalling is something that is typically done only regarding certain topics, such as whether the stonewaller is upset (Gottman, 1994).
 
The silent treatment is probably gentler on both people in the relationship than stonewalling is, believe it or not. For the person getting stonewalled, it can be especially painful to know their partner will completely shut down around certain topics. For the stonewaller, restraining the natural tendency to respond to another person, especially regarding topics that are triggering or upsetting, takes tons of effort; ignoring somebody else entirely might be easier by comparison.

How Do I Stop Stonewalling?

If you realize you are stonewalling, it is probably in the context of topics that are pretty challenging for you. First of all, I want you to know that this is okay – we all have hot-button topics that fill us with dread or make us want to stick our fingers in our ears. Here are a couple steps you can take to deal more effectively with that reaction (Carpenter, 2020):
 
  1. Acknowledge what’s happening. You could say, “It is just too hard for me to talk about this right now” or “I know this is important to you, but I get overwhelmed when I think about this.”
  2. Find a better time to discuss. You could say, “Can we come back to this tomorrow morning? I think a full night’s sleep would help me be ready to talk”, or “How about we come back to this topic after I’ve had my morning coffee?” or even, “I think this is something that we should wait to talk about until we see our couples’ therapist.”
  3. Take care of yourself. Do what you need to do so that you’re ready to come back to the topic later. That might mean taking a walk, calling a friend, having a hot drink, or doing some other activity that will help you relax.

It is really important, if you want to stonewall about something, you do your best to bring the topic up yourself at the time you suggested. This sends the opposite message of what stonewalling sends. It says: “I have a hard time talking about this, but it matters to me and I will figure out how to have the conversation.”

For more advice on how to deal with stonewalling in your relationship, as well as a nice summary and example, I suggest you check out the following video, straight from the originator of the concept of stonewalling in relationships:

Video: The Four Horsemen: Stonewalling

Responding to Stonewalling

If somebody is stonewalling you, I would encourage you to gently suggest that they follow similar steps to what I just described. It’s important to stand by how important the issue is to you, though. Here’s something you could say:
 
“I really want to have this conversation, but it doesn’t seem like a good time. When would work better for you? Is there anything I can do to help us have a better time with this topic?”

Articles Related to Stonewalling

Want to learn more? Here are some related articles that might be helpful.

Books Related to Stonewalling

To keep learning, here are some books to explore:​​

Final Thoughts on Stonewalling

I hope that this article gives you an understanding of why people stonewall and what to do about it. Stonewalling is a clear sign that either a relationship is in trouble, or that a particular topic is very upsetting for somebody. If there is stonewalling happening around you, try to understand it in a calm moment. What is threatening about the topic to the person who is stonewalling? What would make the conversation feel safer for that person? With careful consideration of these questions, you stand a better chance of promoting better communication in your relationships. 

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