Condescending: Meaning, Behaviors, & Examples​

By Beth Birenbaum, MPH
Let’s explore condescending behavior, the reasons behind it, its effect on relationships, and how to handle it.
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Few things in life are more annoying—no, angering—than being condescended to. There’s just something so passive-aggressive about it. I would much rather have someone tell me “I don’t think that’s a good idea, and this is why” than “that's a cute idea, but let's get back to reality." But I have to admit, like most of us, in addition to being on the receiving end, I’ve probably delivered my share of condescending comments (along with an eye roll or two).
Condescending behavior can happen in just about every type of relationship, from colleagues to friends, parents, and romantic partners. What precisely does it mean to be condescending? What are the common behaviors and signs? Why do we do this? These are some of the questions we’ll explore in this article.
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What Is Condescension? (A Definition)​

Condescension is showing or characterized by a patronizing or superior attitude toward others (Merriam-Webster, n.d.) It’s often patronizing and dismissive and can make the other person feel bad about themselves. It’s also often used as a way to insult others, insinuating that they’re stupid or ignorant.

Opposite of Condescension​

The opposite of condescension is respect. It’s treating others with dignity and consideration, regardless of their social status, age, education, or any other factor. Other words that mean the opposite of condescension include humility, modesty, deference, and supportiveness.
​
When someone treats you respectfully, they acknowledge your worth and listen to you with an open mind. They avoid making assumptions or judging. Instead, they try to understand your perspective and communicate clearly and directly.​

Examples of Condescending Behavior

Condescending behavior involves talking down to others, patronizing them, or expressing a sense of superiority. It can be intentional or unintentional, but it always has the effect of making the other person feel small, stupid, or insignificant.

Here are some examples of condescending behavior:
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  • Talking to someone as if they’re a child or they’re unintelligent (baby talk).
  • Using simplified language unnecessarily.
  • Making patronizing comments. Examples might be "Oh, that's so sweet" or "You're trying your best."
  • Using a mocking or sarcastic tone.
  • Dismissing ideas without consideration.
  • Rolling your eyes or sighing when someone is speaking.
  • Using body language that shows you're not interested in what someone is saying.
  • Assuming the other person’s ignorance. For example, “I’m sure you’ve never heard of this, but . . .”
  • Giving unsolicited advice.
  • Interrupting or talking over someone.

Video: Condescending Example

Condescending Tone

We all know when someone is using a condescending tone of voice. But how to describe it? Let’s break it down by its vocal qualities. 
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  • Pitch: A condescending tone may be higher or lower than the speaker's usual pitch, depending on whether they are trying to sound more authoritative or patronizing. An example is using baby talk. 
  • Volume: A condescending speaker may speak louder or softer than usual, depending on whether they are trying to intimidate or belittle the listener.
  • Pace: A condescending speaker may speak slowly and deliberately, as if the listener is not intelligent enough to understand if they speak at a normal pace.
  • Emphasis: A condescending speaker may emphasize certain words or phrases to make their point or to highlight the listener's ignorance.
  • Inflection: A condescending speaker may use a sarcastic or mocking inflection to convey their disapproval of the listener.

Condescending Look​

A condescending look is a facial expression that conveys arrogance, superiority, and disdain. It is often accompanied by raised eyebrows, a pursed mouth, and a tilted head. It may also include a sneer or smirk.
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Here is a more detailed description:
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  • Raised eyebrows: Raised eyebrows can express a range of emotions including surprise, skepticism, and disapproval. In the context of a condescending look, they communicate that the giver of the look thinks the receiver is beneath them or ignorant.
  • Pursed mouth: A pursed mouth can be a sign of disapproval or displeasure. In the context of a condescending look, it communicates that the giver of the look is not impressed with the receiver or their abilities.
  • Dominance smile: Not all smiles are the same. Researchers define a dominance smile as a smile that signals feelings of superiority and is used to maintain higher social status (Martin et al., 2021). Characteristics include elevated eyelids, raised cheeks, lifted upper lip, and crookedness. (Sounds like a smirk to me.)
  • Tilted head: Tilting the head to the side can indicate interest or curiosity. However, in the context of a condescending look, it communicates that the giver of the look is amused or dismissive of the receiver.
  • Eyes: The person may make eye contact, but their gaze is usually dismissive or pitying. Eye rolling is another obvious sign of condescension.
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It is important to note that not everyone who raises their eyebrows, purses their mouth, tilts their head, or smirks is condescending. However, when these facial expressions are combined in a certain way, they can create a clear message of arrogance and superiority.​

Condescending Body Language

Condescending body language is nonverbal communication that conveys a sense of superiority or disrespect. It can be subtle or overt, intentional or unintentional. Common examples of condescending body language include:
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  • Crossed arms: This is a classic sign of defensiveness or disapproval. It can also make someone seem closed off and unapproachable.
  • Eye contact: Too much or too little eye contact can both be seen as condescending. Staring someone down can be intimidating, while avoiding eye contact can make you seem dismissive or uninterested.
  • Fidgeting: Fidgeting can be a sign of nervousness or anxiety, but it can also be seen as a sign of disrespect or boredom.
  • Leaning backward: This can make the other person feel like you are distant and not interested in engaging with them.
  • Poor posture: Slouching or hunching can make you look disengaged and disrespectful.

Condescending Words

Simply put, condescending speech or words means talking down to someone. This type of speech is intended to imply that the speaker is superior to the listener and usually features a patronizing tone. Some even consider using condescending language verbally abusive (Howells-Johnson, 2000). It includes not only verbal communication but also written words, especially on social media.   

This type of speech includes: 
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  • Using pet names or childish language: Calling someone "honey," "sweetie," or "champ" in a condescending way can make them feel like you're talking down to them.
  • Making backhanded compliments: Saying things like "you're not as bad as I thought you would be" or "that's a nice outfit, for you" is actually insulting. It's a way of complimenting someone while also putting them down.
  • Using sarcasm or humor to make someone feel stupid: If you're making jokes at someone's expense, or using sarcasm in a way that makes them feel bad, you're being condescending.
  • Interrupting or talking over someone: This is a way of showing that you don't respect the listener's opinion or that you think what they have to say isn't important.

Here are some specific examples of condescending phrases:
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  • "Oh, bless your heart."
  • "Don't worry, I'll explain it to you slowly."
  • "You're trying your best, aren't you?"
  • "Of course you don't understand."
  • "You're so naive."
  • "You should listen to the experts."
  • "That was a silly thing to say."
  • "You're out of your depth."
  • "I'm not surprised you don't get it."
  • "Don't be ridiculous."
  • "That's so immature."
  • "You're overreacting."
  • "You're just being difficult."

Condescending Boss

A condescending boss treats their employees with an attitude of patronizing superiority. They make dismissive or insulting remarks or talk down to their employees as if they’re children. Condescending bosses often need to feel in control and superior, and they may use their power to make their employees feel small and insignificant.

Also, studies show that the condescending behavior of male bosses negatively affects women’s job performance (Vescio et al., 2005).

Here are some specific behaviors that a condescending boss might exhibit:
  • Giving a condescending smile and saying "that's a nice thought" when an employee shares a new idea
  • Making sarcastic or demeaning remarks
  • Micromanaging their employees
  • Taking credit for their employees' work
  • Blaming their employees for their own mistakes
  • Interrupting their employees and not allowing them to finish their sentences
  • Talking down to their employees as if they are children
  • Making assumptions about their employees' abilities without getting to know them
  • Refusing to give their employees clear instructions or feedback
  • Setting unrealistic deadlines and expectations

Condescending bosses can hurt their employees' morale, productivity, and mental health. Employees who are constantly being put down by their boss may feel stressed, anxious, and undervalued. They may also be less likely to take risks or speak up in meetings.​

Condescending Coworkers

Typical behaviors of condescending coworkers include talking down to you, explaining things in a patronizing way, or making backhanded compliments. They may also interrupt you, dismiss your ideas, or take credit for your work.  

Unfortunately, the stereotype of women as less competent than men still exists (Briggs et al., 2023). So condescending behavior in the workplace is often exhibited by men toward women and usually involves competence questioning. Competence questioning is defined as communication that indicates someone doubts, questions, or challenges a person’s competence. A recent study looked at three categories of competence questioning behavior: condescending explanation (“mansplaining”), voice nonrecognition (ignoring), and interrupting (Briggs et al., 2023).

Interrupting is often done for status purposes. Studies indicate that people who interrupt are perceived as having higher status compared to those who are being interrupted. Regarding gender differences, one study showed that while women were equally likely to interrupt a woman or a man, men were twice as likely to interrupt when a woman was speaking compared to when a man was speaking (Briggs et al., 2023). 

​​Suggestions for Dealing With Condescension at Work

It can be difficult to deal with condescending coworkers or supervisors, but there are a few things you can do to protect yourself and your mental health:
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  • Don't take it personally. Condescending behavior is a reflection of the other person, not you. Condescending behavior indicates insecurity and the need to put others down to make themselves feel better.
  • Stay calm and professional. Getting angry or defensive usually makes the situation worse.
  • Talk to them about their behavior if you feel comfortable doing so. Sometimes people don’t realize they’re being condescending or don’t understand how their behavior is affecting others.
  • Set boundaries. Let them know that their behavior is unacceptable and communicate clearly what you are and are not willing to accept.
  • Document their behavior. If your coworker's (or boss’s) behavior is ongoing, it is important to document it. This may be helpful if you need to escalate the issue to your manager or HR department.
  • Talk to your HR department. If you have tried to resolve the issue on your own and have been unsuccessful, you may need to talk to your manager or HR department. They can investigate the situation and take appropriate action.
  • Have a good support system. Talking to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist can help you cope with the emotional impact of dealing with a condescending coworker.

Condescending Parents

Condescending parents may be critical of everything their children do, compare them unfavorably to others, and make them feel stupid and incompetent. Other common behaviors include making fun of their child's interests or telling them they're not smart enough to succeed. Condescending parents may also be controlling and manipulative, using guilt and shame to get their children to do what they want.

Here are some other common behaviors of condescending parents:
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  • Belittling comments: Condescending parents often make belittling or patronizing remarks that undermine their child's self-esteem. They may use sarcasm, mockery, or dismissive language to communicate their disapproval.
  • Lack of empathy: Condescending parents may struggle to empathize with their children's feelings and perspectives. They may dismiss or trivialize their children's concerns, making them feel invalidated.
  • Unrealistic expectations: Condescending parents may set overly high or unrealistic expectations for their children without considering their individual capabilities, leading to constant feelings of inadequacy in their children.
  • Micromanaging: These parents tend to micromanage their children's lives, making decisions for them and not allowing them to develop a sense of autonomy. This can hinder the child's ability to make independent choices and problem-solve.
  • Comparisons: Condescending parents often compare their children to others, highlighting perceived shortcomings or areas where the child doesn’t measure up. Constant comparisons can contribute to feelings of inadequacy and low self-worth in children.
  • Inability to admit fault: Condescending parents may find it difficult to admit when they are wrong or to apologize. This can create an environment where the child feels unsupported and unable to express their own thoughts and emotions.
  • Control issues: Condescending parents may exhibit a need for control, seeking to dominate conversations and decisions within the family. This control can stifle the child's ability to assert themselves and develop their own identity.

Condescending Friends

Condescending friends behave in many of the same ways condescending bosses, coworkers, or parents do. And of course, there’s lots of overlap because bosses, coworkers, and parents can also be friends. However, since the dynamics of the relationship are different, there may be some distinctions.

First, the power dynamic is more equal in friendships than it is in a relationship with a boss or parent, so a friend may be more comfortable being condescending. They may believe that you’re close enough and that the relationship is strong enough that you won’t confront them or end the friendship. However, they may also be more likely to apologize for their behavior if you do call them out on it.  

It’s important to be aware that sometimes a friend’s condescension isn’t intentional. One study showed that in some situations, a friend can come across as condescending when they’re trying to offer support or help (Khullar et al., 2021). So having an open and honest talk can help the situation.​

Condescending Partners

A condescending partner talks down to you, makes you feel stupid, and dismisses your thoughts and feelings. They may belittle your accomplishments or tell you you’re not good enough. Other behaviors include patronizing comments, interrupting you, or constantly correcting you. They may also try to control you or make you feel inferior. 

Unsurprisingly, this type of behavior can be very damaging to a relationship. It can erode your self-esteem, make you feel insecure, and create a power imbalance. The signs are similar to condescending behavior in other types of relationships.

Typical comments to watch out for are:
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  • “You always mess this up.”
  • “Why are you doing it like that?”
  • “Oh, please. You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
  • “You’re overreacting.”
  • “I’m just trying to help you.”
  • “You’re being ridiculous.”

Here are some tips for dealing with a condescending partner:
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  • Set boundaries. Let your partner know what behaviors you find unacceptable and that you will not tolerate them. Be firm and assertive in your communication.
  • Call them out when they're being condescending. Don't let them get away with it. Point out their behavior and explain how it's making you feel.
  • Don't engage with their condescension. Don't try to argue with them or prove yourself to them. It's a waste of time and energy.
  • Build up your self-esteem. Remind yourself of your worth and value. Don't let your partner's words or behavior define you.
  • Talk to a trusted friend or therapist. They can provide support and guidance.

Condescending Narcissists

Condescending behavior is a common characteristic among narcissists (Schalkwijk et al., 2021). It is a way for them to maintain their sense of superiority and power over others. Narcissists may use condescending behavior to:
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  • Feel better about themselves by putting others down.
  • Control and manipulate others.
  • Avoid feeling vulnerable or insecure.
  • Get what they want, even if it means hurting others.

Narcissists may also use condescending behavior as a means of gaslighting others, which is a form of emotional abuse in which they try to make their victims doubt their perceptions and reality. For example, a narcissist might tell their partner things like “you’re being too sensitive” or “you’re misinterpreting my words.” However, not everyone who is condescending is a narcissist.

Here are some characteristics of narcissists (Schalkwijk et al., 2021) and how condescending behavior may be linked: 
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  • Narcissists have an inflated sense of self-importance. They believe they are better than others and deserve to be treated specially. This sense of superiority can lead them to treat others with condescension.
  • Narcissists lack empathy. They are unable to recognize, understand, or identify with the feelings of others. This lack of empathy can make it difficult for them to see how their condescending behavior affects others.
  • Narcissists need admiration. They constantly seek out praise and validation from others. Condescending behavior can be a way for them to feel superior to others and gain admiration.
  • Narcissists are manipulative. They often use others to achieve their own goals. Condescending behavior can be a tool they use for manipulation and control of others.

Condescending Compliments

Condescending compliments are insults disguised as praise. Referred to as backhanded compliments, they’re outwardly friendly but are given in a way that places the person receiving the compliment on an inferior level. 

Because praise is viewed as well intentioned, patronizing praise can be harder to recognize and also harder to stand up to. You might receive a compliment, but there’s just something about it that makes you feel uncomfortable or offended. It carries a tone of superiority or belittlement. An example is giving someone excessive praise for doing something unremarkable or mundane (Jeppsson & Brandenburg, 2022). 

Here’s one from my personal experience. When I showed my mother (who’s an artist) some of my photographs from a class I was taking, she said, “Oh wow, the composition is actually good.” Uhhh, okay . . . thanks?

Here are some others:
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  • "You're not as bad as I thought you'd be."
  • "I'm surprised you were able to do this so well."
  • "You're so lucky to have that job."
  • "You look great, especially for your age."
  • "You're so brave to wear that."

Articles Related to Condescension

​Want to learn more? Check out these articles:

Books Related to Condescension

If you’d like to keep learning more, here are a few books that you might be interested in.

Final Thoughts on Condescension​

Condescending behavior can be hurtful and damaging to both the person who is being targeted and the person who is exhibiting it. It can create a hostile environment, erode trust, and damage relationships. 

It would benefit all of us to be more mindful of our own condescending behavior. Whether it’s a sarcastic comment, a subtle (or not-so-subtle) smirk, or interrupting, it can make others feel belittled, unvalued, or insecure. Also, it’s important to be open to feedback. If someone tells you that your behavior is condescending, be willing to listen and make changes. By being more mindful of our words and tone of voice, listening attentively, and having an open and humble attitude, we can work toward fostering more respectful communication. 

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