Long Distance Relationships: Definition, Tips, & Red Flags

By Charlie Huntington, M.A., Ph.D. Candidate
​Reviewed by Tchiki Davis, M.A., Ph.D.
Are long-distance relationships (LDRs) really that different from relationships between people living near each other? What counts as a long-distance relationship, and how do people make them work? Let’s look at the science.
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In my mid-twenties, I dated someone who lived just over an hour away. One of my favorite things about that time of my life was our weekly ritual of my Tuesday night visit. I would take an afternoon train down the coast to her, we would go to a yoga class together, then back to her house to make dinner, watch a TV show from under the covers, and fall asleep together. In the morning, it was back on the northbound train for another long day at work, with hopes of seeing her again on the weekend.
I have to admit that these days, the thought of all that travel holds less appeal to me. But I also have to admit that this structure worked. Seeing her once a twice a week was special. We made the most of our time together and stayed connected with calls and texts in between. When we later lived together, I could recognize how in some ways, distance had worked even better for us.
​
Was my experience typical of long-distance relationships? How do we make them work, and what are signs that they won’t? Let’s see what psychological science has to say
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What Are Long Distance Relationships? (A Definition)

There are a couple different ways to define a long-distance relationship (Holmes, 2006). They are sometimes defined as relationships in which the partners spend multiple nights a week apart or go without seeing each other for long stretches of time. I think a more helpful definition concerns travel time or physical distance: couples that have their own residences, which are located far enough apart that it makes it difficult to see each other regularly, are living in long-distance relationships.  
 
By this definition, long-distance relationships can look pretty different from one couple to another. Two people who live in Philadelphia and New York might call themselves long-distance; there are abundant ways to get from one city to the other, but none are convenient or quick enough to make living in the same place possible. At the same time, two people living 90 miles apart along a highway in rural Montana might not see their relationship as long-distance, because they are used to driving long distances already and this commute seems straightforward to them.
 
The point is that in long-distance relationships, the distance makes it difficult to have what most couples do – the ability to see each other on any given day or at a moment’s notice if need be. Let’s look at the pros and cons of such an arrangement.

Long Distance Relationships Pros and Cons

Long Distance Relationships Cons
​On the cons side, people in long-distance relationships have the stress of being separated, needing to travel more, potentially having careers that keep them apart, and often needing to make important decisions about their relationships without knowing what it would be like to live closer to each other (Pistole et al., 2010). People in long-distance relationships appear to have higher relationship stress, less sexual satisfaction, and more difficulty maintaining their relationships than people living close to each other (Du Bois et al., 2016).
 
I see most of these cons in action with my current friends who are in long-distance relationships. Particularly for people living in different countries, the logistics and cost of travel make seeing each other a rare occasion. For these couples, taking action to be in the same place together likely means a substantial sacrifice of professional goals or priorities on one person’s part. And it is clear that they truly miss and long for physical contact with each other.
 
Long Distance Relationships Pros
On the other hand, people in long-distance relationships seem to have lower anxiety and depression, they exercise and eat better, and have generally better health than people living in what scholars sometimes call “geographically close” relationships (Du Bois et al., 2016). They also experience less of each other’s daily stresses, whether they be professional or interpersonal, than they would if they lived near each other (Pistole et al., 2010).  
 
These pros make sense to me, based on my own experiences and those of my friends. In the relationship I described, my partner was an early-career teacher. Her days were full of teaching prep, parent emails, and worrying about her students. I was insulated from a lot of this stress by living elsewhere, and when we did get together, she made an effort to focus on our relationship and put those concerns aside. Similarly, I think many long-distance couples make an effort to take care of themselves and look their best for those precious times they will have together. By contrast, looking sexy for their partner on a Wednesday night is probably not a high priority for most people who live near (or with) their partners.

Can Long Distance Relationships Work?

So, knowing these pros and cons, do long-distance relationships work? The research tells us that they absolutely can. Across many studies, people in long-distance relationships, compared to those in geographically close relationships, report equal, or even higher, levels of overall relationship satisfaction (Dargie et al., 2015; Du Bois et al., 2016; Kelmer et al., 2013). People in long-distance relationships seem to have more stable and trusting relationships, too (Stafford, 2005).

Are Long Distance Relationships Good?
​If you’ve been a long-distance relationship skeptic up to this point, you might be wondering how long-distance relationships can be as good, or perhaps even better, than geographically close ones. Here are a few reasons to consider. First, people in long-distance relationships seem just as motivated to connect with their partners, but they have less of a sense of being trapped in the relationship than many couples who live near each other (Kelmer et al., 2013). To me, this suggests that these couples feel less pressure to spend time together, which makes it easier to freely choose to spend that time together.

Second – and this is really the most important part of why long-distance relationships work – long-distance partners tend to work harder to maintain their relationships that geographically close partners do (Merolla, 2010). This looks primarily like putting intentional thought and effort into connecting on a frequent basis, such as texting more often or setting aside time for phone calls. This can also look like being more intentional about discussing relationship boundaries, because they will often spend more time socializing with other people than with their partners. It is clear that when long-distance couples deliberately change their ways of relating to account for the distance, their relationships do better (Jiang, 2022).
 
It is not just more effort, but also changes in perception, that help make long-distance relationships work (Jiang, 2022). People in long-distance relationships make more efforts to share what is really happening in their lives, and they perceive their partners as self-disclosing more and being more honest.
 
I think this points to an important additional point about long-distance relationships: when you don’t see all your partner’s worst habits on a regular basis, it is easier to maintain a rosy image of them. Most couples I know – including the long-distance relationships I’ve been in – make a concerted effort to be on their best behavior when they are together. So it seems likely that people in long-distance relationships can maintain a more positive image of their partners than people who live close by and get to witness more of each other’s messiness.

Why Long Distance Relationships Fail

To the extent that long-distance relationships fail, it tends to have to do with the sheer distance and difficulty of staying connected (Krapf, 2018). The further people have to travel, the harder it is to stay together, long-term. Long-distance relationships are also likely to end if the partners cannot resolve insecurities about the relationship or if one or both partners experience high levels of negative emotions (sometimes called neuroticism) (Cameron & Ross, 2007).

Long Distance Relationships Red Flags

One long-distance relationship red flag clearly supported by the literature is if a couple will not be able to see each other face-to-face for very long stretches of time (Dainton & Aylor, 2001). These couples, perhaps because they do not have in-person contact to look forward to, are less likely to feel certain about their relationships and less likely to put in efforts to maintain the relationship. This drives down a sense of trust and commitment and likely increases the possibility of breakup.
 
The other primary long-distance red flag, as I see it, is lacking relationship boundaries that work for both partners (McRae & Cobb, 2020). If a couple cannot agree on how (and how often) to communicate, how long they will remain long-distance, or how sexually and romantically exclusive their relationship is, they are likely to experience more relationship stress and less trust, and this could easily lead to breakup.

Questions for Long Distance Relationships

I propose two primary questions that people considering a long-distance relationship can ask themselves, based on previous research (McRae & Cobb, 2020):
 
  • “What do I stand to gain from entering a long-distance relationship?” Among other reasons, people may enter such a relationship to stay close to somebody they care deeply about, to be able to balance career and relationship for a period of time, to balance their need for independence with their desire for a partner, or because they know the separation will be temporary.
 
  • “Am I avoiding anything by entering a long-distance relationship?” At the same time, we may see a long-distance relationship as a way to avoid greater commitment to another person, a way to maintain an unhealthy work-life balance while still having a partner, or even a way to protect our ability to have sexual or romantic connections with people outside the relationship while still getting some of the benefits of being in the relationship.

Communication in Long Distance Relationships

Communication in long-distance relationships looks different from that in geographically close relationships in that the partners tend to need to more explicitly discuss relationship boundaries (McRae & Cobb, 2020). They do this both to preserve the positive aspects of the relationship and to avoid the negative aspects, such as jealousy and uncertainty.
 
That is not to say that long-distance couples naturally know how to do this or do it right away. In fact, many couples only end up discussing boundaries after something has happened that troubled one or both of them and highlighted the need for the discussion (McRae & Cobb, 2020).

Jealousy in Long Distance Relationships

Jealousy can be a common element of long-distance relationships (McRae & Cobb, 2020). It usually results from the recognition that one’s partner can freely interact with other people when one isn’t around, and that the partner might be tempted toward greater intimacy with other people than one would like. This makes having clear expectations and boundaries all the more important.

​Tips on Long Distance Relationships

A key tip for long-distance relationships is to plan ahead (Sahlstein, 2006). Planning your next points of meaningful contact, both remotely and in-person, can help make the time apart more tolerable and provide meaningful structure to your relationship. I have a friend who has regular phone dates with her partner, despite a massive time-zone difference, and it is clear that this regularity keeps them connected.
 
Some research tells us that if these points of contact take on the consistency of a ritual, long-distance partners will be happier with the relationship (Sahlstein, 1996). Furthermore, having these points of contact feature as much face-to-face interaction as possible seems to be better for the relationship, too (Holtzman et al., 2021; Merolla, 2010).
 
Interestingly, some research suggests that couples do not have to be sexual in a certain way, or to a certain extent, to maintain sexual satisfaction (Kafaee & Kohut, 2021). I think this is important information: couples should sext with each other, or have other kinds of online sexual connection, only if it feels right for them. There is no need to engage in these behaviors unless it clearly works for the couple.
 
Perhaps above all else, long-distance partners will benefit from focusing on behaviors that they know help maintain their relationship. These may look different from one couple to another, but keeping this in mind, especially during transitions – such as just before and just after seeing each other – will help smooth out some of the difficulties of being in a long-distance relationship (Belus et al., 2019).
 
For more tips on increasing the success of a long-distance relationship, check out this video:

Video: 7 Tips for Long Distance Relationships

Articles Related to Long-Distance Relationships​

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Books Related to Long-Distance Relationships​

If you’d like to keep learning more, here are a few books that you might be interested in.

Final Thoughts on Long-Distance Relationships

The research is clear: long-distance relationships can work as well as geographically close ones. They just take a different mindset and more intentional effort to preserve intimacy and stay committed. I hope this article has been helpful for you in considering whether a long-distance relationship can work for you or how to make your long-distance relationship even happier and healthier.

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