Red Flags: Definition, Examples, & Quotes​

By Charlie Huntington, M.A., Ph.D. Candidate
​Reviewed by Tchiki Davis, M.A., Ph.D.
In the realm of personal relationships, red flags are behaviors or characteristics that suggest that the other person may not be a safe or positive person to have a relationship with.​
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Imagine going on a date with a person who does not ask you a single question about yourself. If you are a man who dates women, as I am, this might seem strange or implausible. However, most of my friends who are women that date men tell me they have had this experience at least once. Somehow, I am always more incredulous about this than the woman with whom I’m speaking.​
To me, this is among the clearest examples of a relationship red flag. How can a person who shows minimal interest in you be an involved and caring partner? However, some people might be willing to excuse this behavior, and many of us are adept at looking past the red flags – whether it’s no questions asked about you, or something else – that other people raise in our relationships. What are these interpersonal red flags, and how do we catch them and respond effectively when they come up? Let’s dive into what psychological science has to say about this topic.​
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What Are Red Flags? (A Definition)

Red flags – in interpersonal relationships, to be specific – are behaviors or characteristics from another person that suggest you may not want to spend time with them (Csajbok et al., 2023). This may be because they will be unpleasant, uninteresting, or even dangerous; while the negative outcomes that could result from interacting with that person will vary, what is clear is that these red flags are omens of worse behaviors to come (Kearney & O’Brien, 2021).

The defining essence of a red flag is that it indicates future harm or unpleasantness should you keep spending time with the person (Csajbok et al., 2023). In this way, red flags can also be understood as characteristics or behaviors that helpfully signal to us, “stay away” – this way, we can avoid investing further in relationships that are not good for us. Red flags stop that investment before it gets harder to disengage from the relationship (Jonason et al., 2015).​

Opposite of Red Flags​

The opposite of a red flag is a trait or behavior that clearly communicates safety and makes you want to get closer to the other person. For example, I have often heard it said that in getting to know a new person – especially a potential romantic partner – you might want to pay attention to how they behave around people over whom they have some sort of power or advantage. Is this person gracious and kind to waiters and cashiers? Do they instinctually offer help when people out in public seem to need it? Being compassionate and generous in these situations might be a green flag of sorts, indicating that the person thinks about others, not just themselves.​

Why Are Red Flags Important?

All interactions between people feature some degree of both reward and risk. Red flags are important because they clearly signal potential risks in the situation (Csajbok et al., 2023). We are constantly evaluating our environments for signs of reward and risk (Britton et al., 2011); potentially rewarding things motivate us to come closer, while potentially risky things give us pause. Red flags cause us to hesitate – they activate our threat appraisal systems.

In my daily life, I spend a lot of time on public transportation. As an able-bodied, decently dressed, adult White man, I do not experience my environment as dangerous very often. Nevertheless, my brain is constantly processing what I see and hear for signs of danger. If a person seems unaware of entering the personal space of other people, if there are suddenly far fewer or far more people around me than usual – I take notice.​

Example of Why Red Flags Are Important

This reminds me of a particularly devastating quotation from the Canadian author Margaret Atwood: “Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them.” I share this quotation to highlight the stakes at play in identifying red flags: although life-threatening violence is not usually involved, catching or missing red flags can mean the difference between avoiding someone dangerous or getting too close to them, especially for people with minoritized identities.​

Examples of Red Flags

Researchers have tried to categorize red flags, or what they sometimes call “dealbreakers”. One such study produced a number of categories from which we can draw helpful examples, at least for the domain of romantic relationships (Jonason et al., 2015):

  • Unattractiveness. It is hard to sustain interest in a person we find physically unattractive.
  • Unhealthy Lifestyle. When I think about dating, I find myself uninterested in people who live a very sedentary lifestyle. To me, an absence of physical exercise, or an overinvestment in binge-watching television shows, suggests that this person is not very interested in experiencing the world in the ways that I like.
  • Undesirable Personality Traits. For example, I know many people who perceive someone who repeatedly interrupts them as either disinterested in them or unable to pay attention. Either way, if they continue to interact with the other person, they may not feel heard.
  • Differing Religious Beliefs. I have heard some people say that they could never date somebody who believes in God, and others insist that they can only date somebody who is religious. This might be related to fears that somebody with different religious beliefs will not share important core values with us (Furnham, 2009).
  • Limited Social Status. While it may not sound fair or very charitable, people who have few social connections are often seen as undesirable.
  • Divergent Mating Psychologies. I can’t count how many times I have heard a friend relate how much they enjoyed a date… until they realized the other person was interested in more (or less!) commitment than they were.
  • Differing Relationship Goals. On a similar note, people may match up in many different ways, but if they do not share a similar philosophy toward having children, or how to balance professional versus personal priorities, they may recognize this incompatibility as a key red flag.

Red Flags When Dating​

Some other red flags that come up specifically in the world of dating include seeming uninterested (remember my poor friends on their dates?), being overly forward, being self-centered, and just generally behaving badly. These are typically behaviors that are too extreme in some way, which suggest that the person is either too invested, or not invested enough, in getting something out of the relationship (Csajbok et al., 2023).

For example, I imagine most of us have discussed with friends the perennial question, “How long should I wait before I contact/respond to this person again?” Responding immediately seems to suggest we are overeager or have nothing better to do than watch our phones; waiting too long might signal that we are aloof and cause the other person to get discouraged.

For more dating-related red flags, I suggest watching the following video:​

Video: 7 Red Flags In Dating You Should Watch Out For

Red Flags in Relationships

Relationship red flags can signal more than “this isn’t the person for me.” Red flags also highlight the possibility that somebody is actually a threat to us (Kearney & O’Brien, 2021). Two researchers even developed a measure of relationship red flags, with the goal of relating those behaviors to people’s risk of experiencing dating violence (Kearney & O’Brien, 2021). They found five categories of red flag behavior and showed that people who recognized these behaviors as red flags were less accepting of dating violence:
​​
  • Monitoring: When a family member or romantic partner wants to know exactly where you are and what you are doing at all times, they are monitoring you far beyond what is typical in relationships.
  • Controlling: Another red flag is attempting to control behaviors of yours that should be yours to decide. Whether or not you see friends and family members, when you go to the grocery store, and how long you talk to people on the phone are decisions you get to make, not your partner.
  • Demeaning: Any comments that are truly insulting or dismissive suggest a lack of respect and care for you, which will probably show up in other ways over time, too.
  • Threatening and Aggressive: Where there is aggression of one kind (for example, warning you there will be consequences if you do something), there is likely to be aggression of another kind eventually.
  • Jealous and Possessive: Finally, it is a clear red flag when one person does not want the other to live a fulfilling and independent life of their own.

Red Flags Before Marriage

We have already covered many of the incompatibilities that I would consider to be important to address prior to getting married, such as having different life priorities. To this, I will add the key behavioral warning signs of a destructive relationship: escalation, put-downs, avoidance and withdrawal, and negative interpretations (Markman et al., 1994).
 
While these behaviors do not mean that a relationship is doomed, they are red flags in the sense that they are harmful to the relationship. If your conversations routinely keep getting louder and louder; if you resort to putting down each other when you’re upset; if you end up avoiding each other for hours or days after an argument; or if you find yourself constantly perceiving your partner through a negative lens, these are all red flags that you are struggling to communicate effectively in your relationship.​

Red Flags of a Narcissist

People who are especially hostile in their relationship with you – trying to dominate, control, or get revenge – could be revealing their narcissistic tendencies (Ogrodniczuk et al., 2009). People high in narcissistic traits get angry more easily in their relationships and show fewer positive emotions to their partners, even when discussing neutral topics (Lamkin et al., 2017).​

Red Flags in Friendships

Abusive behaviors can happen in friendships, too. Red flags in friendships include instances of humiliation, rejection, threats, or exploitation (Follingstad & DeHart, 2000). These behaviors are all forms of emotional abuse (Black et al., 2011), and if they happen repeatedly, I would consider it a major red flag.​

Red Flags in Online Dating

Online dating, exciting as it may be, is also a space ripe for misbehavior – there are plenty of red flags to consider here, too. Specifically, any behavior that suggests that somebody is misrepresenting themselves, will not respect your boundaries, or has already crossed your relationship boundaries, can be taken as a red flag (Gillett, 2023). It is likely that the other person is thinking more about what they want to get from you than they are thinking about establishing a genuine, positive connection.

Red Flags of Domestic Violence

Research on the warning signs for domestic violence has found similar concerns to the research on dating violence (Francis & Pearson, 2021; Murphy & Smith, 2010). While physical and sexual violence may be the clearest signs of abuse (Lehmann et al., 2012), demeaning or humiliating comments, verbal aggression, controlling or overprotective behavior, and attempts to isolate a partner are all warning signs that an abusive relationship may be developing.

Red Flags Vs. Deal Breakers

Red flags are often single behaviors, but it is the larger patterns of relating that are more often characterized as dealbreakers (Csajbok et al., 2023). So while single behaviors can be dealbreakers, it seems that being perceived as generally “clingy” or “gross” is more of a dealbreaker than smoking cigarettes or not flossing.

Quotes on Red Flags

  • “How do you know they aren’t the one? At the first sight of total disregard for your hurt, your gut will feel uneasy. I’m reminding you to listen up.” – Alfa H
  • “What are some of the red flags that an attentive suitor has a dark personality? Psychopaths are usually focused on themselves, and on the present. They lead a lifestyle of irresponsibility, impulsivity, and the absence of meaningful goals.” – Wendy L. Patrick
  • "People may not always tell you how they feel about you, but they will always show you. Pay attention." – Keri Hilson
  • “Don’t beat yourself up because you thought the red flags were a cry for help instead of a warning signal.” – Christine E. Szymanski
  • “It’s rare for a toxic person to change their behavior. More often, the only thing that varies is their target and the blame they place. Because some toxic people are difficult to identify, keep in mind that a victim mindset is sometimes a red flag. So, listen when someone talks about their life and circumstances. If the list of people they blame is long… it’s probably only a matter of time before you’re on that list.” – Steve Maraboli

Articles Related to Red Flags

​Want to learn more? Check out these articles:

Books Related to Red Flags

If you’d like to keep learning more, here are a few books that you might be interested in.

Final Thoughts on Red Flags

To my mind, there are two kinds of red flags: those that clearly demonstrate a person is unsafe or unhealthy to be around, and those that demonstrate that they are not a good fit for you, the perceiver of the red flags. I hope this article has made it clear what general red flags are and given you an occasion to think about what red flags of incompatibility are for you specifically. There is nothing wrong with knowing what you do and do not want from relationships! Let your intuition guide you when you sense something is off – I bet you can identify the red flags with a little reflection.

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