Self-Control: Definition, Theory, & Skills

By Kelsey Schultz, Ph.D. Candidate
​Reviewed by Tchiki Davis, M.A., Ph.D.
Self-control affects nearly every aspect of our lives. Learn more about self-control and how to gain mastery over yourself.
*This page may include affiliate links; that means we earn from qualifying purchases of products.
We all know what it’s like to behave in a way that’s inappropriate for our situation, incongruent with our standards and values, or detrimental to our long-term goals (often despite our sincere effort to act differently). Our minds serve as a battleground between our ‘Wants’ and our ‘Shoulds’. ​
Perhaps, like me, you’ve had the experience of desperately wanting to stay in bed in the morning despite being fully aware of the host of problems that hitting snooze again will cause. Or you might be familiar with that voice that pleads with you to turn off the television and do something you find valuable as you remain seated and allow the next episode of your favorite show to play. Self-control is when the ‘Should’ wins out over the ‘Want’; when we opt to do the thing that is in our long-term best interest rather than the thing that will feel best at the moment.

Self-control is becoming increasingly challenging as the vices that impede our long-term goals become ever more abundant and convenient. We can shop for everything we could possibly want without having to leave our desks, we can consume years worth of television in one sitting, and we can spend hours on social media without even realizing it. Though demonstrably difficult, getting good at exercising self-control is enormously beneficial. People who demonstrate greater self-control ability tend to have better health, more wealth, and more successful relationships than people with less self-control (Tangney et al., 2018). Let’s take a look at what self-control is and how we can begin to learn to master it.

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What Is Self-Control? (A Definition)

Self-control is the ability to overcome your impulses and immediate desires in favor of behavior that is in line with your standards and long-term goals (Baumeister et al., 2007). In other words, self-control is being able to choose the thing you should do over the thing you want to do.
 
One of the dominant theories of self-control at present is the limited-resource model. This model suggests that when we exert self-control, our mental energy can become depleted (Baumeister et al., 1994). In this perspective, self-control is a lot like a muscle. When we overwork a muscle it becomes fatigued and can’t produce the same level of exertion of which it was previously capable. Similarly, just as exercising a muscle increases strength, exercising self-control can increase your ability to override impulses in the future.
 
Self-control is more challenging for some than it is for others. People with ADHD, for example, have a harder time controlling their impulses than normally developed individuals. Personality, life experience, and motivation also influence our capacity for self-control (de Ridder et al., 2012). Some studies have even shown differences in brain structure and function in people with poor self-control compared to those with good self-control (Cohen & Lieberman, 2010).

Self-Control Examples

Self-control ability can manifest in our lives in a variety of forms. Here are a few examples of the domains in which self-control plays a huge role:
 

Self-Control Skills

Though different models of self-control consider self-control to be comprised of different skills, monitoring and delay of gratification seem to be among the most consistent.
 
Monitoring
Monitoring is essentially being aware of your behavior. It’s the moments when you say to yourself “this isn’t what you should be doing right now.” Often, when our self-control energy is depleted, we are still fully capable of recognizing that our behavior is out of line with our personal goals or our values, but we just aren’t able to act on it.

Delay of Gratification
Delay of gratification is choosing a more favorable future outcome than a less favorable immediate outcome. For example, you might be familiar with the famous “Marshmallow Study” in which elementary school students were presented with a single marshmallow and were told that they could either eat one marshmallow now or several marshmallows if they waited 15 minutes (Mischel & Ebbesen, 1970). Choosing to wait for more marshmallows later means delaying the gratification of consuming one delicious marshmallow now.

Opposite of Self-Control

The opposite of self-control is impulsivity. Impulsivity is the tendency to engage in behaviors motivated by the desire for pleasure, gratification, or arousal without mindful intention, forethought, or consideration of potential consequences (Hollander & Rosen, 2000). Poor impulse control can have many undesirable outcomes including overeating, alcohol and drug abuse, crime, aggression and violence, overspending, risky sexual behaviors, and pathological gambling. (Baumeister et al., 2007)

Can Self Control Be Learned?

The ability to control our behavior is essential for achieving long-term goals and life satisfaction. Luckily for all of us who are not naturally gifted when it comes to self-control, it’s an ability that can be learned.
 
Research suggests that practicing self-control of any kind can improve your ability to override urges of any kind (Baumeister et al., 2007). For example, one study showed that participants who avoided sweets for 2 weeks demonstrated improvements in self-control on a completely unrelated task (Muraven, 2010).
 
Here are a few simple and scientifically validated ways to practice self-control:
 
  • Improve your posture – Depending on the current state of your typical posture, this task may be more or less challenging. Remember, self-control is a limited resource, so if improving your posture is going to be particularly difficult for you, you might want to try practicing good posture for a limited period of time every day (i.e. ‘I’m going to maintain good posture for the first hour of my day’).
 
  • Alter verbal behavior – This might be swearing less, speaking in complete and grammatically correct sentences, or avoiding particular words. For example, a dear friend of mine tried to avoid using the word “thing” for a month.
 
  • Use your non-dominant hand for simple tasks – This is a great way to exercise self-control and monitoring. For a specified period of time (i.e. between 10 am and 9 pm) use your non-dominant hand (if you have one) for simple things like opening your water bottle or brushing your teeth.
 
  • Squeeze a handgrip for as long as possible – this task doesn’t require as much monitoring, so it might feel a bit simpler to implement than the other exercises. In squeezing a handgrip for as long as possible, you are exercising self-control by overcoming physical discomfort and suppressing the desire to let go.  ​

How to Have Self-Control

Researchers have identified a multitude of different ways to facilitate exercising self-control. Here are a few scientifically backed methods for self-control (Duckworth et al., 2018):

Psychological distancing
Research suggests that we are more strongly compelled by temptations when they are readily available. Creating distance between you and the temptation you want to overcome can reduce the strength of the temptation. For example, I struggle with compulsively checking my social media app. To help me control the behavior, I turned off all notifications and removed the app from my home screen. That way I know my attention won’t be drawn to it every time I unlock my cell phone. Additionally, to access it I first have to navigate to a different screen, giving me just enough time to recognize the behavior and choose the appropriate course of action.

Implementation intentions
An implementation intention is essentially an if/then conditional applied to behaviors you are trying to encourage. For example, “if I get home from work before 9, then I will meditate.” This reduces the energetic cost of convincing yourself to meditate when you get home from work and precludes the need to argue with yourself about it because the decision is already made.

Temptation bundling
This refers to combining the thing you want to do with the thing you know you should do. For example, imagine a scenario in which you really want to watch mindless television, but you feel like you should work out. You could bundle the temptation by saying “I can watch The Bachelor, but only while I’m on the exercise bike.” This provides both the immediate gratification you were seeking from watching television and the satisfaction of behaving in accordance with your long-term goal of fitness.

​Write out your goals and values
By formalizing your goals and values in writing, you redirect your energy and attention toward the desired behaviors. Having a set reference point also provides additional motivation because the sense of loss that would accompany failing to achieve your goal or live up to your values is more salient than any immediate gain.

Tips on Self-Control

As you are on your journey to achieve greater self-control, there are a few things to keep in mind that might help.
​
  • Try not to make decisions when you are angry, frustrated, or fatigued. For example, if you are frustrated with a friend, wait until you’re calm and rested before talking to them about the issue.
  • Spread out important decisions over several days. We know that decision-making can deplete self-control energy, which means that the more decisions you make at a time, the more likely you are to make a bad one. It might be helpful to give yourself time and rest between important decisions if possible.
  • Monitor yourself more. It’s hard to exert self-control over behaviors of which we aren’t totally aware. Keeping a close watch on your spending by checking your bank account more regularly or recording your behavior over the course of a day in a journal might give you a better sense of when you are actually engaging in the undesirable behavior, leaving you more opportunities to correct it in the future.
  • Get some glucose. Our brains require glucose for energy. Giving your body more glucose (having a piece of fruit for example) when you feel mentally fatigued may help provide enough energy to help you exert more self-control.
  • Avoid triggering situations. There are some situations that we know provoke unwanted behaviors. A triggering situation could be a place, a person, an event, a smell, etc. For example, many cigarette smokers feel a strong desire to smoke when they are at a bar. By avoiding bars, they reduce the likelihood that they will feel compelled to smoke and reduce the need for self-control.
  • Become a mental energy accountant. Dr. C. Nathan DeWall at the University of Kentucky suggests making a list of everything you need to do each day and assigning each activity a score that indicates how much self-control it will require. By taking stock of the amount of self-control you will need for various activities throughout your day you will be better able to spend your mental energy more judiciously. 

Quotes on Self-Control

  • “No man is free who cannot command himself.” – Pythagoras
  • “The first and best victory is to conquer self. To be conquered by self is, of all things, the most shameful and objectionable.” – Plato
  • “He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still.” – Tao Te Ching
  • “Ultimately, the only power to which man should aspire is that which he exercises over himself.” – Elie Wiesel
  • “Self-control means wanting to be effective at some random point in the infinite radiations of my spiritual existence.” – Franz Kafka
  • “There never has been, and cannot be, a good life without self-control.” – Leo Tolstoy
  • “Men are rather reasoning than reasonable animals for the most part governed by the impulse of passion.” – Alexander Hamilton
  • “He who cannot obey himself will be commanded. That is the nature of living creatures.” – Friedrich Nietzsche
  • “Self-control is a key factor in achieving success. We can’t control everything in life, but we can definitely control ourselves.” – Jan McKingley Hilado

Articles Related to Self-Control

​Want to learn more? Check out these articles:​​​​​

Books Related to Self-Control​

If you’d like to keep learning more, here are a few books that you might be interested in.

Final Thoughts on Self-Control

Our ability to control ourselves has a far-reaching impact on nearly all aspects of our lives. Self-control affects our health, finances, intellect, self-esteem, and interpersonal relationships. Though the capacity to govern ourselves in accordance with our values and long-term goals doesn’t always come easily and, for some of us, can feel nearly impossible, it is possible to improve. Learning how to practice self-control can help us become masters of our own destinies.
 
To learn more about harnessing the power of self-control, check out this talk by internationally recognized scientist, Dr. Johnathan Bricker, on the TED stage:

Video: The Secret to Self-Control

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