Self-Reliance: Definition, Examples, & Tips​

By Charlie Huntington, M.A., Ph. D. Candidate
​Reviewed by Tchiki Davis, M.A., Ph.D.
Self-reliance is an essential characteristic – but we can also take it a little too far. Read on to understand the research on self-reliance and how to strike the right balance in your life.
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When I was a young child, I eagerly absorbed my father’s albums and mixtapes. Among their many contributions to the folk rock canon, the last two lines of Simon and Garfunkel’s song I Am a Rock have always stuck with me: “And a rock feels no pain/And an island never cries.”​
Even at a young age, I recognized some of the tongue-in-cheek nature of this song, narrated by a man who is holed up in his apartment in the city, “safe” from all emotions and human contact. I felt the dissonance between the allure of being safe and the impracticality and isolation of being an island unto oneself.
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This, I think, is the contradiction at the heart of self-reliance: it is indisputably good to be able to handle our own lives, and yet we can get painfully attached to going it alone, with predictably poor results for our wellbeing. So how do we walk the fine line between maximizing our ability to get things done ourselves and knowing when to lean on others? I hope that this article will help you consider how you strike that balance in your own life.
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What Is Self-Reliance? (A Definition)

Self-reliance is the ability to independently choose and execute a course of action that result in  you getting something you want (Bandura, 1977). To be self-reliant is to take all these steps on your own, with confidence and success.
 
We can break down self-reliance into several key parts (Haley, 2013):
 
  • Self-motivation: If you cannot find the motivation to do something on your own, you will have to get that momentum from somewhere else, and you won’t be self-reliant. Many of us rely on external forces to move us into action, but for many life tasks, that won’t cut it. For example, at this point in my academic career, I can’t wait around for my environment to force me to start a new research project – I have to be inspired on my own.
  • Self-efficacy: Self-efficacy is the belief that you can do something. If I do not trust that I am capable of doing something, I’m likely to either avoid doing it or – a better choice – ask for help.
  • Instrumentality: This means having the actual means to do something. No matter how badly I recently wanted to fix my own flat tire, I simply did not have the training – or tools – to do it successfully on my own.
  • Self-direction: Self-reliance involves not depending on others to stay on task. Unless I hire a coach, for example, nobody but me will be tracking my long-distance running training and holding me accountable to my goals.
  • Self-agency: Self-reliance also requires us to believe that we can determine our own fates. If I live in reaction to the world, rather than believing I can change it myself, I won’t be self-reliant.

Opposite of Self-Reliance ​

The opposite of self-reliance is being dependent on others. This means not making decisions on one’s own and needing other people’s help to get things done (Jennings et al., 2015).
 
Is it ever a good thing to be totally self-reliant or totally dependent on others? No, and all of us exist on a spectrum between dependency and self-reliance. But the extremes of dependency – where we have a hard time knowing who we are, sticking to and achieving goals, and taking care of our needs – are not a healthy place to be (Bacon et al., 2020).
 
Being overly reliant on others, focused on others’ needs, and having trouble making decisions on one’s own are sometimes called being codependent (Bacon et al., 2020). If you think this is a serious problem in your life and you would like to work on being more independent and self-reliant, you might find participation in a group such as Codependents Anonymous helpful.

Why Is Self-Reliance Important?

Self-reliance is important because getting things done on our own makes us more effective, increases positive feelings about ourselves, and increases the likelihood that we will work harder in the future, especially in challenging circumstances (Bandura, 1997). The things we have trouble doing, or don’t think we can do, tend to become things we avoid doing. Building self-reliance therefore becomes an important way to stay committed to and actively pursue our goals.
 
Most Western cultures place a high priority on self-reliance and have done so for thousands of years (Goodin, 1988). In fact, these societies have often been called “individualistic” cultures, where it is seen as very valuable to independently care for oneself and one’s family, and relying on others is often considered a weakness. Leaving aside the question of whether these are good beliefs to have, it is helpful to be self-reliant in a society where social supports may not always be readily available.
 
For an in-depth discussion of this history of self-reliance and individualism, I suggest watching the following, brief video. It focuses on several key thinkers who have influenced our understanding of self-reliance and touches on the tensions between the goal of self-reliance and depending on others.

Video: Ralph Waldo Emerson and The Psychology of Self-Reliance

Examples of Self-Reliance

Any situation that calls on you to make a decision involves the possibility of self-reliance. For me, this comes up frequently with my old and somewhat unreliable car. When my car starts to make a concerning noise while I’m driving, what do I do? Do I go online and research the situation on my own, consulting nobody I know personally? Do I wait until the “check engine” light comes on then buy a diagnostic tool and try to fix my car myself? Or do I immediately call my relative who is handy with cars to ask for their expert opinion? Perhaps you can see how these options grew increasingly less self-reliant.
 
Here's another example: Last weekend, I helped a friend move across the city. When I arrived, a couple other friends were already there, and my friend had a moving truck, complete with dollies, ready for the work. It brought to mind my cross-country road trip prior to graduate school, when I loaded and unloaded all my possessions into my sedan on my own. Comparing that experience to my friend’s, which involved lots of conversation, teamwork, and Thai food to celebrate a job well-done, I may have taken self-reliance a little too far.
 
More extreme examples of self-reliance include people who live “off the grid”, using solar panels, growing their own food, and taking other steps to minimize their dependence on the infrastructure the rest of us take for granted. Similarly, there are people who are actively preparing for the end of modern civilization, and they spend their time stockpiling essential resources in a secure location, anticipating that someday they will no longer be able to rely on other people, or society at large, to help meet their basic needs.

Is Self-Reliance Good or Bad?

Perhaps you can guess by now that I’m of two minds on the topic of self-reliance. I think it’s a double-edged sword, and the psychological literature agrees with me.
 
First, the upside: Self-reliance is how we get through difficult experiences that are within our own capacity, and grow as a result (Quick et al., 1996). For example, when I go rock climbing, I make it to the top of the wall by relying on my own skills, strength, and courage – nobody else can do it for me. With each successful climb, I grow in self-reliance, becoming capable of tackling a bigger challenge next time.
 
Similarly, self-reliance is a key tool for building autonomy, or the ability to make decisions on one’s own (Ryan et al., 2005). Exercising autonomy makes us more efficient and effective in our professional and personal lives; it means we can take better care of ourselves and others.
 
On the other hand, self-reliance means we may not get help when we need it (Jennings et al., 2015). There is a lot of research that suggests that people who are high in self-reliance are less likely to seek out help with personal problems, start therapy, and stay in therapy (Ortega & Alegria, 2002; Taylor et al., 2004). When we try to be self-reliant but don’t have the personal resources to handle the situation, we can become anxious or depressed (Schwanz et al., 2016).
 
As you might have noticed in your own life, men are socialized to be self-reliant more than women are, and men suffer health consequences as a result (Addis & Mahalik, 2003). Male heroes from mythology to modern-day literature are highly self-reliant, and the hero’s journey often involves a man realizing just how deeply he must rely on himself to get things done (Ellwood, 1999). While these stories are inspirational and gripping, they may also set an unrealistic expectation about how much the average person should be able to do on their own.

How to Be More Self-Reliant

Here are a few ideas (Gecas, 1989) for how to be more self-reliant (but not too self-reliant):
 
  • Develop an internal locus of control. Internal locus of control is awareness of what one can control in one’s environment. Focusing on the things that are within your control can help you stay in positive action.
  • Develop a sense of mastery. Feeling capable and competent is a key part of self-reliance. To build this sense of mastery, approach activities in a way that maximizes your chances of success. Set modest and achievable goals, acknowledge your successes, and then set the bar a little higher next time. This accumulation of successes will gradually build self-reliance (Bandura, 1997).
  • Find your self-reliance limits. Knowing when you are out of your league or need help, and then effectively getting the support you need, can paradoxically build your sense of self-reliance. It undermines our sense of self-reliance when other people have to step in and tell us we are falling short. Being honest with ourselves about our limits can help us be self-reliant even in the domain of getting help.
  • Get positive feedback. Research tells us that it helps to have other people witness us and give support and encouragement as we do things on our own (Ashford et al., 2010; Bandura, 1997). We can carry this encouragement with us as we go on to do more things on our own.

Quotes About Self-Reliance

  • “Don’t ask of your friends what you yourself can do.” – Quintus Ennius

  • “Shallow men believe in luck or in circumstance. Strong men believe in cause and effect.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

  • “If you think you can do it, or you think you can’t do it, you are right.” – Henry Ford

  • “Associate with the noblest people you can find; read the best books; live with the mighty. But learn to be happy alone. Rely upon your own energies, and so not wait for, or depend on other people.” – Thomas Davidson

  • “I will not adjust myself to the world. I am adjusted to myself.” – Anais Nin

  • “No one can be great, or good, or happy except through the inward efforts of themselves.” – Frederick W. Robertson

  • “Be yourself; no base imitator of another, but your best self. There is something which you can do better than another. Listen to the inward voice and bravely obey that. Do the things at which you are great, not what you were never made for.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

  • “Self-reliance leads to intellectual independence. Each man must think for himself, must train the mind to think, must habituate the soul to observe and analyze.” – Ameen Rihani

Articles Related to Self-Reliance

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Books Related to Self-Reliance

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Final Thoughts on Self-Reliance

If there is one message that you take from reading this blog post, I would like it to be that self-reliance is an essential characteristic, but that it has its limits too. Remember that Simon and Garfunkel song I referenced at the start of this article? In writing that song, they may have been inspired by the British poet John Donne, who once began a poem with the words “no man is an island.”
 
John Donne went on to discuss how interconnected all humans are, which led me to a realization of my own: we learn from others how to be self-reliant. I think one of the best examples of this process in action comes from Twelve Step support groups, which have been helping people recover from addictions for close to a century. Working the twelve steps of recovery means becoming self-reliant through knowing when and how to cope with things on your own, versus when to turn to somebody else for help (Knudson & Terrell, 2012).  
 
I encourage you to think about where you see that distinction in your own life. What are the limits of your ability to build the life you want? How can you turn to others to increase that capacity in yourself? Can you accept the limits of your own self-reliance, but keep working to build it at the same time? Finding this balance has led to increased wellbeing for many people (Knudson & Terrell, 2012), and I hope it can for you, too.

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