Self-Centeredness: Definition, Opposite, & Examples

Let’s explore the nature of self-centeredness and the impact it has on our lives.

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Have you ever been in a conversation, maybe one where you were divulging something deeply troubling or personal, and the other person kept interrupting? Or maybe they kept relating your situation back to themselves? It probably felt like they weren’t really listening—like every response was some variation of “Okay . . . so back to me.” This is what interacting with someone with self-centered tendencies feels like to me.

Not to be overly judgemental here. Most of us have been guilty of this at one time or another. Like it or not, we all have some self-centered tendencies. And sometimes a little self-centeredness can even be good. In this article, we’ll explore the nature of self-centeredness, discuss its positives and negatives, and provide some examples.

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What Is Self-Centeredness? (A Definition)

Self-centeredness is a personality trait or behavior characterized by an excessive focus on oneself and one's needs, desires, and interests, often to the exclusion or neglect of the needs and feelings of others. Self-centeredness is associated with egocentrism (excessive interest in yourself) and materialism (Dambrun, 2017).

Self-centered people tend to prioritize their wants and concerns over those of others, and they may display a lack of empathy, consideration, or understanding toward others' perspectives and emotions.

Opposite of Self-Centeredness

The opposite of self-centeredness is selflessness or “other-centeredness.” It’s thinking of others first and behaving in a way that prioritizes the needs, feelings, and well-being of others over one's own interests.

Traits associated with selflessness are empathy, compassion, and humility. Selfless people put others' concerns above their own needs or interests. They are willing to make sacrifices and offer help and support without expecting personal gain or recognition in return. In short, it’s the realization that you aren’t the center of the universe.

Studies show that selflessness—doing for others—actually benefits you as well. People who tend toward selflessness were shown to be happier than those who are more self-centered (Dambrun, 2017). Selflessness also fosters stronger connections with others and contributes to a more compassionate and loving society.

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Video: Choosing Humility in a Self-Centered Age

Benefits of Self-Centeredness

While generally considered a negative trait, self-centeredness does have some benefits. There are times and situations where it can be helpful, especially if not taken to the extreme. Situations where it can be a benefit include:

Self-preservation: In some situations, being self-centered can help you prioritize your safety and well-being. For example, in an emergency or a life-threatening situation, focusing on your survival is essential.
Ego strength: We need some degree of self-centeredness to maintain a healthy ego. Having a strong ego can help you deal with stress and frustration before it leads to further anxiety (Cleveland Clinic, 2021).
Achieving personal goals: Being self-centered, to a certain extent, can help you stay motivated and determined in pursuing your personal goals and aspirations. This can be especially valuable in highly competitive environments or when striving for personal excellence.
Self-care: Prioritizing your own physical and mental health is important. Occasionally, putting yourself first in terms of rest, relaxation, and self-care can help you maintain overall well-being and prevent burnout.
Setting boundaries: Self-centeredness can help you establish and maintain boundaries in personal and professional relationships. By knowing your limits and standing up for yourself, you can avoid being taken advantage of or becoming overly burdened by others' demands.
Independence: A degree of self-centeredness can promote independence and self-sufficiency. It encourages you to rely on your own resources and decision-making abilities, which can be valuable for personal growth and development.
Decision-making: When making important life decisions, it's essential to consider your own needs, core values, and preferences. Some level of self-centeredness can help you make choices that align with your long-term happiness and fulfillment.
Leadership: In some leadership roles, making tough decisions that may not please everyone is necessary. A degree of self-centeredness can help leaders stay focused on their vision and objectives while managing conflicting interests.

Causes of Self-Centeredness

Loneliness: A study indicated a feedback loop between loneliness and self-centeredness. When you’re feeling lonely, the drive for self-preservation increases. In addition, self-centeredness appears to increase loneliness. Thus, researchers suggest that addressing self-centeredness could be an effective strategy for reducing loneliness (Cacioppo et al., 2017).
Depression: Depressed individuals often withdraw from social interactions and may become more isolated. This withdrawal can lead to increased self-focus as they may ruminate on their negative thoughts and negative emotions. In addition, depression can make it challenging for individuals to empathize with others because they are preoccupied with their own emotional pain. They may have limited emotional energy to consider the feelings and needs of others.
Low self-esteem: Paradoxically, individuals with low self-esteem can also exhibit self-centered behaviors. They may constantly seek validation and attention from others as a way to boost their self-worth.
Environmental factors: Growing up in an environment that fosters self-centeredness or values materialism and status over empathy and compassion can contribute to self-centered behavior. Peer pressure and societal influences can also play a role.
Cultural and social factors: Cultural norms and societal values can shape individual behavior. In some cultures, competitiveness and individualism are highly encouraged (ahem, like in the United States), which can promote self-centeredness. Likewise, the influence of social media, where self-presentation is often exaggerated, can reinforce self-centered behaviors.

Self-Centered Behavior

Constantly talking about themselves: Self-centered individuals tend to dominate conversations, frequently steering discussions back to their own experiences, achievements, or problems. They may show little interest in what others have to say.
Lack of empathy: A self-centered person often struggles to empathize with others. They may not understand or care about the feelings, needs, or concerns of those around them.
Seeking attention: Some self-centered individuals crave attention and will go to great lengths to be the center of it. They may interrupt conversations, exaggerate their accomplishments, or engage in attention-seeking behaviors.
Difficulty sharing: Self-centered people may be unwilling to share resources, time, or credit with others. They may hoard possessions or take credit for group achievements, ignoring the contributions of others.
Insensitivity to others' problems: Self-centered individuals may downplay or dismiss the problems and challenges faced by others. They often believe that their issues are more significant and deserving of attention.
Lack of consideration for others' time: They may disregard other people's schedules and commitments, expecting them to be available at their convenience. This shows another way they’re only thinking of themselves.
Unwillingness to compromise: In personal and professional relationships, self-centered individuals may be reluctant to compromise or accommodate others' needs and preferences.
Ignoring boundaries: They may disregard personal boundaries and invade others' personal space, privacy, or emotional boundaries without hesitation.
Shallow relationships: Self-centered people often have superficial relationships because they struggle to form deep connections with others. Their focus on themselves can make it challenging to build meaningful bonds.
Materialism: Having a strong focus on obtaining material possessions is highly associated with self-centeredness (Dambrun, 2017).

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Examples of Self-Centeredness

Here are examples that show some of the behaviors listed above:

Dinner party monopolizing: A self-centered guest constantly talks about their recent vacation, their new promotion, and their achievements, dominating the conversation and not allowing others to share their own stories or experiences.
Ignoring a friend's crisis: When a friend is going through a difficult time or facing a crisis, a self-centered individual may change the topic or minimize their friend's problems, diverting the attention back to themselves and their concerns.
Social media oversharing: A self-centered person might flood their social media profiles with constant updates about their daily life, achievements, and opinions, without showing interest in or engaging with the posts or activities of others. They may be so self-absorbed they believe everyone is as interested in the details of their life as they are.
Interrupting a supportive conversation: During a conversation where someone is seeking emotional support or advice, a self-centered person may repeatedly interrupt to share their problems or achievements, diverting the focus away from the person in need.
Taking credit for group success: In a team at work or a group project, a self-centered member might claim credit for the success of the group, downplaying the contributions of others and failing to acknowledge their efforts.
Ignoring time constraints: Many of us have that friend who is always running late without a valid reason. This shows a lack of respect for other people's time. My sister teaches piano and it always surprises me how often people will cancel a lesson 5 minutes before the lesson is supposed to start.
Manipulating family dynamics: In a family setting, a self-centered family member might use emotional manipulation or guilt-tripping tactics to manipulate other family members into meeting their demands or fulfilling their desires, without regard for others' needs or boundaries. (Oh boy, my mother was an expert at this one.)

Self-Centeredness and Narcissism

People that behave in self-centered ways may have narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). People living with NPD tend to crave admiration, have a heightened sense of self-importance, feel entitled to take advantage of others, and struggle with feeling empathy (Cleveland Clinic, 2021).

Self-Centered Friends

Dealing with self-centered friends can be hard. Here are some tips:

Talk to them: Many people don’t realize what they’re doing. Letting them know how their behavior is affecting you could help, and they may even be appreciative if it’s done in a nonconfrontational way. Maybe something like: "I feel like our conversations are often focused on you, and I'd like it to be more balanced."
Understand their perspective: Try to empathize and understand why someone might be self-centered. Sometimes it's a defense mechanism or a result of past experiences, or it was what they saw from their parents growing up. Or maybe they’re going through a tough time. Knowing the root cause can help you approach the situation with more compassion.
Set boundaries: Establish clear boundaries for yourself. Let your friend know what you're comfortable with and what you're not. Be firm but polite when communicating these boundaries. This will help you communicate your needs during interactions with the person. And if that doesn’t work, it may be time to withdraw from the relationship (Cleveland Clinic, 2021).
Limit interactions: You may not want to cut this person out of your life completely. After all, most everyone has some good qualities. But it might be a good idea to limit the amount of time you spend with this friend (Cleveland Clinic, 2021). Small doses might be best. Listen to your gut reactions. If an interaction is starting to make you feel crappy, get out.

Self-Centered Parents

While it's natural and healthy for parents to have their own lives and aspirations, being excessively self-centered can have negative effects on their children's emotional and psychological well-being. Here are some characteristics and potential consequences of self-centered parenting:

Lack of emotional support: Self-centered parents may struggle to provide emotional support and validation to their children. They may be too absorbed in their own concerns to notice or address their children's emotional needs.
Inconsistent attention: When the parent is focused on their own interests or problems, they may neglect their child's need for interaction and guidance.
Overburdened children: In some cases, self-centered parents may rely on their children for emotional support, confiding in them or venting about their own issues, placing an inappropriate burden on the child.
Limited involvement in children's lives: Self-centered parents may not actively participate in their children's activities, school events, or hobbies, as they prioritize their own pursuits.
Narcissistic tendencies: Some self-centered parents may exhibit narcissistic traits, such as an excessive need for admiration, a lack of empathy, and a sense of entitlement.
Difficulty with boundaries: Self-centered parents may have trouble setting appropriate boundaries with their children or respecting their boundaries. This can lead to issues with personal space, privacy, and autonomy.
Reduced self-esteem in children: Children of self-centered parents may struggle with low self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy because they don't receive the emotional support and validation they need from their parents.
Emotional distance: The parent-child relationship may become emotionally distant or strained due to the parent's self-centered behavior.

It's important to note that self-centered parenting can take various forms and have varying degrees of severity. Not all self-centered parents are intentionally neglectful or harmful to their children, and some may simply need guidance and support to become more attuned to their children's needs. In cases where self-centered parenting is causing harm to a child's well-being, seeking the help of a therapist or counselor can be beneficial for both the parent and the child to improve the family dynamics and address underlying issues.

Self-Centered Listening

I think of self-centered listening as “non-listening.” Instead of paying attention, the person is focused on their own thoughts, feelings, and perspectives during the conversation. If the conversation moves to something that isn’t about them, the self-centered listener tends to interrupt or change the topic (University of Minnesota, 2016). They may also interrupt, offer unsolicited advice, relate everything back to themselves, or simply dominate the conversation.

Self-Centered Bias

Self-centered bias, also known as egocentric bias or egocentric thinking, is a cognitive bias that occurs when individuals interpret events, situations, and other people's actions through the lens of their own perspectives, beliefs, and experiences. This bias leads people to overemphasize their own importance, abilities, and feelings while underestimating the perspectives and feelings of others. In essence, individuals with self-centered bias tend to see themselves as the central focus of the world and often struggle to fully appreciate or understand the viewpoints of others.

This bias can manifest in various ways, such as assuming that others share your opinions or beliefs, attributing personal motivations to the actions of others, or believing that events revolve around you.

A self-centered bias can also lead to distorted thinking known as the spotlight effect. This is our tendency to overestimate how much other people notice or pay attention to our actions and appearance. Essentially, people believe that they are “in the spotlight”—that they stand out in the eyes of others, either positively or negatively, much more than they actually do (Gilovich et al., 2000).

Most of us do this sometimes. It’s human nature to be the center of our own universe. For example, we may be so focused on how others perceive us, we’re convinced that everyone is staring at that zit. However, most people are more focused on themselves as well. This may be bad news for someone who wants to be the center of attention, but it’s good news for those of us who easily become self-conscious or anxious. Nobody is paying that much attention to you.

Self-Centered vs. Selfish

The main difference here is that being self-centered is more of a personality trait, while being selfish usually refers to an act.

As defined above, self-centeredness is an excessive focus on or interest in yourself, thinking you’re the center of the world. Selfishness is defined as “seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others” (Merriam-Webster, 2023). I think of self-centeredness as a disregard for others because you’re not used to considering them and selfishness as taking advantage of someone else for personal gain.

For example, it might be considered self-centered not to ask a friend about an important event in their life (new job, new home, divorce, etc.) simply because you're only thinking of yourself. On the other hand, a selfish act might be withholding information from a coworker in order to make yourself look good.

Of course, the difference is subtle. And self-centeredness can easily lead to selfishness.

Quotes on Self-Centeredness

“Too much self-centered attitude, you see, brings, you see, isolation. Result: loneliness, fear, anger. The extreme self-centered attitude is the source of suffering.” — Dalai Lama
“True humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less.” — C.S. Lewis
“When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it.” — Bernard Bailey
“Self-absorption in all its forms kills empathy, let alone compassion. When we focus on ourselves, our world contracts as our problems and preoccupations loom large.” — Daniel Goleman
“A person completely wrapped up in himself makes a small package.” — Harry Emerson Fosdick

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Final Thoughts on Self-Centeredness

Self-centeredness is a common human trait, often driven by our innate survival instincts. However, when taken to extremes, it can have detrimental effects on our relationships, personal growth, and overall well-being.

In our individualistic world, it's easy to fall into the trap of self-centeredness. Yet recognizing and addressing this trait is essential for personal growth and healthier relationships. It's okay to prioritize self-care and personal goals, but it's equally important to strike a balance and consider the impact of our actions on others. Ultimately, embracing empathy and selflessness can lead to a world with compassion and understanding, which also contributes to your own happiness.

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References

Cacioppo, J. T., Chen, H. Y., & Cacioppo, S. (2017). Reciprocal influences between loneliness and self-centeredness: A cross-lagged panel analysis in a population-based sample of African American, Hispanic, and Caucasian adults. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 43(8), 1125–1135.
Cleveland Clinic. (2021, November 4). 3 tips for dealing with self-centered people . https://health.clevelandclinic.org/how-to-deal-with-selfish-people/
Dambrun, M. (2017). Self-centeredness and selflessness: happiness correlates and mediating psychological processes. PeerJ, 5, e3306.
Gilovich, T., Medvec, V. H., & Savitsky, K. (2000). The spotlight effect in social judgment: an egocentric bias in estimates of the salience of one's own actions and appearance. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(2), 211.
Merriam-Webster. (2023). Selfish. Retrieved September 17, 2023, from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/selfish
University of Minnesota. (2016, September 29). 5.2 barriers to effective listening . https://open.lib.umn.edu/communication/chapter/5-2-barriers-to-effective-listening/

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