Relationship Goals: Definition, Examples, & Tips

By Charlie Huntington, M.A., Ph.D. Candidate
​Reviewed by Tchiki Davis, M.A., Ph.D.
Whether you put a hashtag on them or not, you probably have a sense of what your relationship goals are. Let’s look at relationship science to see what truly healthy relationship goals are.
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I do my best to avoid trips down the rabbit holes of social media and YouTube, but when they do happen, I sometimes end up watching celebrity couples being cute together. There is nothing like a pair of inordinately beautiful human beings acting cute together, right? It is easy to look at a couple like that and say to oneself, “That’s the kind of relationship I want.”​
Relationships are so much more than the glamorous moments when we look our best and feel close to each other, though. I would prefer that we, as a culture, focus on relationship goals that reflect the full spectrum of moments in a relationship – the good, the bad, and the occasionally ugly. So what would comprehensive relationship goals like these look like? In this article, I will draw on relationship science – the work of psychologists who study close relationships – to identify healthy relationship goals for us all.​
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What Are Relationship Goals? (A Definition)

A goal is something you want to achieve or experience – it is the mental representation you have of something you want (Austin & Vancouver, 1996). So relationship goals are our desired relationship outcomes and experiences. Since relationships are so central to our well-being, it is no surprise that almost all of us can identify goals we have that concern the establishment and maintenance of close relationships (Reis et al., 2000). For example, most people want to experience loving relationships and conceptualize such a relationship as including companionship, a sense of friendship, and in the case of romantic relationships, sexual attraction (Graham, 2011).​

At the same time, relationship goals are unique to each person – each person combines these possibilities into a set of goals that reflects their own personality and needs. For example, introverts and extroverts differ in their approach to social networking sites, because they often have different relationship priorities and see social media as meeting their needs differently (Wang & Zhang, 2018). (This is one of the reasons I think I might be an introvert: I just can’t get interested in using social media.)

​And relationship goals change over time. For example, I often find that after a romantic relationship ends, I become more focused on deepening relationships with my friends. Then, I eventually find myself wanting to date again, and my priorities shift again.

Why Are Relationship Goals Important?​

Having healthy and stable social relationships is a fundamental human need and motivator (Baumeister & Leary, 1995). Our self-esteem and sense of purpose in life are elevated by having close relationships (Cheung et al., 2013; Routledge et al., 2011). In this sense, not having relationship goals would suggest that one is not concerned with close relationships, which might lead to worse well-being over time (Sheldon & Houser-Marko, 2001).

In other words, without relationship goals, we would not make progress toward having the quality relationships we need to survive and thrive. I would also argue that without relationship goals, we are also more at risk of ending up in stagnant relationships that do not satisfy us.​

Benefits of Relationship Goals

The main benefits of having relationship goals – and taking action to achieve them – are better mental health and overall well-being (Lee et al., 2019). The whole “action” part is especially important: people who are willing to pursue their relationship goals, even if those goals aren’t fully met, will typically experience greater well-being than people who avoid pursuing their relationship goals (Lee et al., 2019).

Also, knowing one’s own relationship goals, and pairing up with another person who has similar relationship goals, will generally result in greater relationship quality (Fonseca et al., 2021). In this sense, being aware of your own relationship goals can help you find friends and romantic partners with whom you are more compatible.

That is a psychology research finding to which I can really relate. I feel especially enthusiastic about a new person in my life when I sense that we both want a similar level of connection. At the same time, I find it hard to stay interested in relating to somebody who wants way less – or way more – connection than I do.​

Examples of Relationship Goals

As I noted above, relationship goals change over time. For example, some relationship goals are more normative at certain ages than others. Young adults tend to have relationship goals that focus on exploring different partners and kinds of relationships, then eventually settling down with a long-term romantic partner (Arnett, 2000). The goal of exploring relationships is less typical in middle-aged and elderly adults, by comparison.

Relationship goals that move us closer to other people tend to enrich our lives (Harasymchuk et al., 2020). For example, when my latest romantic relationship ended, I immersed myself in the world of rock climbing – an activity that is mostly done with other people. Now I have several climbing dates a week with different friends, many of whom have come to know each other. My circle of friends is expanding and deepening because I chose to pursue a physical activity that is also intrinsically social.

There are also relationship goals that focus on limiting or avoiding social contact. For example, I might have the goal of only having relationships that feel safe and comfortable. These are called avoidance goals, and while they can be important for our sense of safety, they are also sometimes related to lower psychological health (Gable, 2006; Lee et al., 2019).​

How to Set Relationship Goals

Most of us set relationship goals intuitively: we notice how we feel when we are around certain people, and then we set goals for those relationships accordingly. While this is a very natural and understandable process, I think we can end up with unrealistic or unhelpful relationship goals if we are not aware of potential errors in our own thinking. For this reason, throughout this article, I will try to highlight what psychological research suggests are healthy goals for relationships.

Ideas for Relationship Goals​

Here are a couple of ideas for relationship goals (Schlenker, 2003): (1) present yourself authentically and (2) be compassionate and altruistic.

​In relationships, we want to be accepted and liked. It is tempting to put our best selves forward, because it is often our best selves that get the best results, such as making a good first impression with new people or at a job interview. However, always being our best selves is not sustainable or realistic; it can tire us out and rub people the wrong way. Presenting ourselves authentically means sharing some of the good and some of the bad. This allows people to see us as we really are. Authenticity is attractive to others, and as long as we don’t overwhelm people with the less-desirable sides of ourselves, they will want to get even closer to us.

A simple relationship goal of feeling compassion for others, and doing things for them accordingly, can be both intrinsically rewarding and can help you meet other relationship goals. Compassion and altruism make us positive forces in the lives of others, and people are naturally drawn to people who show that they care in words and in action.

Relationship Goals in Life

Our relationship goals tend to follow our developmental needs across our lifespans, and so our relationship goals change over the course of our lives (Erikson, 1959). As adults, we try to balance the goal of broadening our life experiences with the goal of finding long-term connections we can settle into. Generally speaking, as we move into older age, we become less likely to prioritize goals of having passion, sexual attraction, and shared adventure (Alterovitz & Mendolsohn, 2013).​

Relationship Goals and Communication

Having relationship goals helps our relationships stay stable and thrive – if we talk about them with our loved ones, find shared goals, and work towards them together (Fowers, 2000). Relationships where couples communicate about their goals and commit to goals together tend to fare better than those where couples do not communicate about this topic (Avivi et al., 2009). Effective communication in this context is key (Bernecker et al., 2019). Couples that communicate using positive body language and stay engaged with each other through harder conversations are more likely to make progress toward their shared relationship goals.​

Relationship Goals for Singles

My favorite relationship goals advice for single people comes from the sex advice columnist Dan Savage, who encourages single people to just focus on becoming the best versions of themselves (Savage, 1998). His theory – and anecdotally, I have seen this work out for many people – is that by moving toward all our other goals and passions, we will naturally encounter the people we are meant to connect with – including romantic partners.​

​If this doesn’t provide you with much consolation, I can also share that relationship research has shown that sex appeal isn’t everything; you really don’t need to look like a model to make a good impression, even in online dating (Menkin et al., 2015). Many online daters say they value interpersonal communication skills more than sex appeal, so perhaps working toward the relationship goal of connecting authentically with others is more important than blowing people away with your looks.

Relationship Goals for Couples

As I noted above, we can have both approach and avoidance goals when it comes to relationships. Approach goals keep us in contact with other people, while avoidance goals are related to averting painful contact with other people (Gable, 2006; Impett et al., 2010). I am going to boil down a lot of relationship science into a single relationship goal: do your best to keep moving toward your partner (assuming you are not in a toxic relationship). Most of the time, focus on approach goals.

What does this mean? For one thing, it means having relationship goals focused on handling conflict and moving through negative emotions, not avoiding them altogether (Ogolsky et al., 2017). It means recognizing that doing things in relationship – experiencing the world through a sense of “we” – expands our sense of who we are as individuals, giving us a deeper and more varied sense of self (Aron & Aron, 1996). If we start to feel tired of or bored in our closest relationships, we can set the goal of working on the relationship, not disengaging from it. If we think we are growing apart, we can talk about it and see if there are ways to grow back together.​

Tips on Relationship Goals

Here are a few related tips for developing and committing to relationship goals that will increase the depth and meaningfulness of your relationships: 
​
  1. Focus on generating positive experiences, not avoiding negative ones (Impett et al., 2008). Focusing on avoiding negative interactions encourages us not to engage with other people (Gable & Gosnell, 2013). It could also encourage us to look at the world through a lens of fear. Instead, we can focus on moving toward experiences that we do want to have in relationships.
  2. Work to establish safety in all your relationships. There are multiple kinds of safety in a relationship (Markman et al., 2001): physical, emotional, commitment, and community safety. You might ask yourself these questions: Do people feel physically comfortable around me? Can I share my emotions and do other people feel comfortable sharing theirs? Do people know that I am committed to upholding my relationships with them? And are my relationships based in safe places – communities that I feel good about?
  3. Make conscious, intentional decisions (Stanley et al., 2006). Making relationship decisions that we can directly relate to our relationship goals helps us avoid being overcommitted or under-committed to our relationships.

​For more tips on relationship goals, I recommend watching the following video:

Video: 8 Signs of a Healthy Relationship

Quotes on Relationship Goals

  • “The goal in marriage is not to think alike, but to think together.” – Robert C. Dodds
  • “Love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” – Thich Nhat Hanh
  • “Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” – H. Jackson Brown, Jr
  • “Never above you. Never below you. Always beside you.” – Walter Winchell
  • “Let’s not forget, it’s you and me vs. the problem. Not you vs. me.” – Steve Maraboli
  • “People are weird. When we find someone with a weirdness that is compatible with ours, we team up and call it love.” – Dr. Seuss

Articles Related to Relationship Goals

​Want to learn more? Check out these articles:

Books Related to Relationship Goals

If you’d like to keep learning more, here are a few books that you might be interested in.

Final Thoughts on Relationship Goals​

I hope this article has given you plenty to think about as you formulate and reflect on your own relationship goals. I think the healthiest relationship goals are flexible, positive, realistic, and based on your values. They are goals you share out loud with others so that they can collaborate with you. They are goals that evolve as you evolve or as your friends and partners do.​

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