Surrendering: Definition, Meditations, & Quotes

By Charlie Huntington, M.A., Ph. D. Candidate
​Reviewed by Tchiki Davis, M.A., Ph.D.
Could surrendering things you can’t control actually be empowering? Read on to learn about the potential in surrender, surrendering meditations, and words of wisdom about surrender.
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One of my shortcomings as a human is impatience, especially with inanimate objects. When a jar doesn’t open, or my car won’t start, or the smoke detector won’t stop beeping, my first inclination is almost always to do more, to try harder. (If you’re from my generation, you might have spent years as a child and teenager hitting your video game consoles when they stopped working, because hey, sometimes that whack seemed to get things running again.) 
It seems to be a heuristic in our heads: if what I’m trying isn’t working, I’m just not trying hard enough.

We get attached to the stories we tell ourselves, the narratives we want to enact in our lives. When most of my therapy clients first sought treatment, and when I started seeing a therapist myself, it was because the old stories weren’t working. No matter how hard we tried to make them come true, they didn’t – or they did, but things actually felt even worse.

It turns out that letting go of old stories, the philosophies and life strategies that we’ve become so attached to, is key to psychological growth. In this article, I’ll discuss the role of surrendering in self-growth and overall well-being. Read on for the definition of surrendering, what psychological research tells us about surrendering, a surrender meditation, and quotes about surrender.
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What Is Surrendering? (A Definition)

Surrendering is the act of giving up something; for our purposes, surrender means stopping efforts to control one’s life, or ensure specific outcomes in one’s life. Why would we surrender? Trying too hard to control our lives is stressful and ultimately fruitless (Cole & Pargament, 1999). Knowing when to surrender and being able to do so effectively is a helpful coping skill (Cole & Pargament, 1999).
 
For many people, particularly those with spiritual leanings, surrendering control is synonymous with seeking to follow the will of a higher power instead of your own will (Wong-McDonald & Gorsuch, 2000). This might look like recognizing that the will of the universe and your own will do not align, and that it will be easier to accept how things are unfolding than to continue trying to change them.
 
Paradoxically, many people find that surrendering in this way allows them to feel more in control of their lives (Cole & Pargament, 1999). This might be because surrender is still a choice we make. For example, when I had to make a major change in the plans for my graduate studies, life became a lot easier when I stopped fighting the inevitable transition and instead focused on where I could exercise control to make that change as positive for me as possible.

Opposite of Surrendering

The opposite of surrendering, psychologically speaking, is relentlessly exerting (or trying to exert) control. From this perspective, you are fully responsible for and able to control all aspects of your life (Humphreys & Kaskutas, 1995).
 
Psychologists refer to the belief that you’re in charge of your own life as an “internal locus of control”. In general, having an internal locus of control is associated with positive outcomes in life (Twenge et al., 2004). Since it seems that surrendering and an internal locus of control would be opposing actions, shouldn’t that make surrender a negative thing?
 
Interestingly, the research suggests otherwise. In a study conducted with alcoholics, practicing surrendering was associated with better psychological well-being and an increased internal locus of control (Reinert, 1997). Knowing the limits of one’s locus of control, and making an active, deliberate choice to acknowledge those limits, seems to be psychologically healthy (Wong-McDonald & Gorsuch, 2000).

Examples of Surrendering

The classic example of surrendering comes from the world of addiction recovery. Many, many people have achieved better psychological health and abstinence from addictive behaviors through participation in Twelve-Step programs (Kelly, 2017), and surrender is at the heart of those Twelve Steps.
 
For those of you unfamiliar with the Twelve Steps, we need only concern ourselves with the first several. In this model of understanding addiction, the first step is for the addict to acknowledge that their life has become so out-of-control that no amount of rational thinking on their part will solve their problems (Tangenberg, 2005). Rather than continue struggling in vain to control one’s behaviors, addicts are encouraged to give up trying – to surrender to the fact that many events are out of their control and that they cannot manage things alone.
 
Many addicts find life much more manageable once they not only surrender control, but also ask for a benevolent power greater than themselves to take care of the situation (Pearce et al., 2008). In turning to an outside source for help, whether that be the support of fellow addicts, the will of a higher power, or the guidance of a therapist, addicts take an active role in getting better, no longer going it alone. In this environment, they practice actively coping with life stress by surrendering, with positive impacts for their lives (Morgenstern et al., 1997).

Benefits of Surrendering

At this point, you are probably still not totally sold on the benefits of surrendering. Maybe you’re thinking, “Okay, but I’m not an addict, so how is this relevant for me?”
 
Thankfully, psychological research has documented a wealth of benefits that come from accepting things as they are and giving up trying to control that which cannot be controlled. In fact, accepting things as they are is a central component of many effective types of psychotherapy (Block-Lerner et al., 2009).
 
To take one example, we can think of surrendering as a form of “radical acceptance”, a therapeutic skill which has been shown to help people recover from post-traumatic stress disorder and borderline personality disorder (Gorg et al., 2017; Robins et al., 2004). Accepting the present moment exactly as it is can make us less worried and stressed out and more effective in responding to what life throws at us (Knabb et al., 2017), regardless of whether we have significant mental health challenges.
 
So what might this look like for somebody who isn’t an addict? Suppose you have a friend whose company you truly, deeply enjoy. However, they can be forgetful, sometimes showing up late or canceling plans with you altogether. Knowing the limits of how much you can change somebody else, surrendering is likely to be a helpful tool here. You might decide that you’d rather not rock the boat by asking your friend to be more punctual or consistent; in that case, you’ll need to surrender to the fact of inevitable, occasional frustration with this person. If you do decide to ask them to change, it will help to surrender attachment to them responding in any particular way.

Surrendering Control

In addiction recovery, many addicts initially resist the idea of surrendering, as it seems as if they are simply giving up. It is helpful for them, and for all of us, to look at surrendering control as a partial process. There are things we can control and things we can’t, and our daily lives are a continual process of finding the balance between exercising power and surrendering to the limits of our power (Viorst, 2014).
 
For me, surrendering control (when control won’t help me) has been very helpful. For example, I really enjoy a good dessert or three, and I have tried many times to control my desire to eat sugar. However, I am much more successful at not eating sugar when I surrender to the fact that I crave it. It’s a fact of my life, at least for now: I want sugar and I’ll keep wanting it. Rather than fight it, I can accept that the cravings will come up – that gives me more energy to put into other, more effective strategies for responding to the cravings.

Surrendering and Letting Go

Surrendering often looks like a complete letting go. In the world of addiction, this often means letting go completely of a certain behavior. Alcoholics who embrace the teachings of the Twelve Steps and who are members of Alcoholics Anonymous aim to surrender alcohol entirely. They have recognized that only complete surrender will work in this part of their lives, as they have utterly failed to control their drinking (Alcoholics Anonymous, 1952).

Surrender Exercises

Here are two ways to practice surrender in your daily life (Colombiere, 1980):

1)    Prepare to surrender certain things today. Think about your daily routine and the things in it that you can’t control. For example, before you even get on the road, let go of your anger at the driver in front of you. Accept that you will be anxious during that meeting with your supervisor. Before your brain can start trying to control these feelings, surrender to the fact that you’ll likely have them. That might make it easier to let them go when they arise.
2)    Practice surrendering to the larger forces of life. You cannot control the outcome of the next election, whether your spouse will develop a severe illness, or the long-term effects of climate change. When thoughts of these things arise, it can be easy to spin out with worry as you wonder how you might control (or how little you can control) future events. Try your best to surrender these topics.

Surrender Meditations

Surrender is at the heart of several faith traditions as well (Pearce et al., 2008). At the core of Buddhism is the idea of non-attachment; the Buddha encouraged his followers not to cling to the good things that happen and not to resent the bad things that happen, for all of those things will pass in time. That sounds a lot like surrender, doesn’t it?
 
To sample the experience of a surrender meditation, I suggest you try the meditation from the link below. If you are interested in a very deep dive into surrender through meditation, attending a Vipassana meditation retreat could also be transformative for you. These are intensive experiences of immersion in a meditation practice that promises freedom from suffering – through surrender.

Video: Surrender Meditation | A Spoken Guided Visualization (Letting Go of Control)

Quotes on Surrendering

  • “We are at our most powerful the moment we no longer need to be powerful.” – Eric Michael Leventhal
  • “The moment of surrender is not when life is over, it’s when it begins.” – Marianne Williamson
  • “Often times, the greatest peace comes of surrender.” – Richard Paul Evans
  • “Surrender is like a fish finding the current and going with it.” – Mark Nepo
  • “Control and surrender have to be kept in balance. That’s what surfers do – take control of the situation, then be carried, then take control. In the last few thousand years, we’ve become incredibly adept technically. We’ve treasured the controlling part of ourselves and neglected the surrendering part.” – Brian Eno
  • “I wonder if pain comes from surrendering or resisting?” – Donna Lynn Hope
  • “Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.” – Ann Landers
  • “If you surrender completely to the moments as they pass, you live more richly those moments.” – Anne Morrow Lindbergh
  • “Sometimes surrender means giving up trying to understand and becoming comfortable with not knowing.” – Eckhart Tolle
  • “Surrender is not a weakness, it is a strength. It takes tremendous strength to surrender life to the supreme – to the cosmic unfolding.” – Mooji

Articles Related to Surrendering

Want to learn more? Here are some related articles that might be helpful.

Books Related to Surrendering

To keep learning, here are some books to explore:​​

Final Thoughts on Surrendering

Letting go of things takes courage. Similar to the idea that there is strength in vulnerability, it takes guts to surrender. Knowing that surrendering can be a helpful tool, but that doing so is effortful and may not feel natural, how would you like to change your life? Where in your life would it be braver to say, “I let go control of this”, than to keep tightening your grip?
 
As you ponder these questions, be open and easy with yourself. Surrender is counterintuitive; it’s hard to admit that we can’t think or do our way to a better solution than surrendering provides. So when you find yourself stuck on something, I suggest you gently consider whether just letting it go is a good first step.

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