Ambivalence: Definition, Examples, & Tips

By Angela Saulsbery, M.A.
​Reviewed by Tchiki Davis, M.A., Ph.D.
What is ambivalence? Discover its definition, 3 types of ambivalence, and its relationship to major life events. Also, how to deal with ambivalence.
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The TV series Good Omens (see Gaiman et al., 2019) features an angel, Aziraphale, and a demon, Crowley, who upon meeting in the Garden of Eden are natural enemies. Over several thousand years of working alongside (although often against) each other, however, the pair bond over Parisian crepes and Shakespearean plays until they are finally and undeniably friends. 
When Crowley invites Aziraphale to flee the impending apocalypse with him, Aziraphale halfheartedly protests, “I don’t even like you!” “You do!” Crowley scoffs. We see Aziraphale’s internal conflict play out over his face. This conflict is an excellent example of ambivalence.

If you’ve ever had “mixed feelings,” been “of two minds,” or felt torn between your head and your heart, you’ve experienced ambivalence. In Good Omens, Aziraphale’s fondness for Crowley, reluctance to break rules, and disapproval of his friend’s demonic values coalesce into ambivalence. Read on to learn more about the psychology of ambivalence, what it means for our relationships, and how to deal with any ambivalence you may experience.
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What Is Ambivalence? (A Definition)

Ambivalence is the tendency to assess something (or someone) both positively and negatively (Jonas et al., 2000). If you’re ambivalent about something, you might think about it both positively and negatively, harbor mixed feelings about it, or have thoughts and feelings that conflict (for example, you might love something but know it’s bad for you, as in my ambivalence toward ice cream) (Jonas et al., 2000). Ambivalence differs from neutrality—when you’re neutral toward something, you evaluate it neither positively nor negatively (Jonas et al., 2000).

Opposite of Ambivalence

​The opposite of ambivalence is neutrality: Whereas ambivalence is the coexistence of positive and negative evaluations, neutrality is their absence. Unlike ambivalence, neutrality isn’t associated with emotional turmoil. By definition, it’s the absence of strong feelings. You probably don’t give much thought to your neutral evaluations, and they probably don’t strongly influence your behavior.

Examples of Ambivalence

  • Affective ambivalence (“mixed feelings”)
    • Liking a friend, but resenting them because they usually show up late and dominate conversations.
    • Feeling curious about a new, elaborate roller coaster, but frightened to get in line to try it out.
    • Feeling bittersweet about graduating from school.
  • Cognitive ambivalence (being “of two minds”)
    • Thinking that the plot of a novel is good, but the character development is lacking.
    • Thinking that an apartment you might rent is affordable but cramped. 
    • Thinking that getting a dog might be fun but will take up all your free time.
  • Affective-cognitive ambivalence (heart vs. head)
    • Feeling bored while cleaning the kitchen, but knowing that it will be much more functional once you’re done.
    • Thinking that it’s unwise to spend a lot of money on new clothes, but feeling excited to go shopping anyway.
    • Thinking that your cat is a being of pure chaos whose antics are often inconvenient, but loving her and enjoying her presence.​

Ambivalence in Relationships

In any long-term relationship (including but not limited to romantic relationships), some degree of ambivalence is typical, even if we are consciously aware of only positive or negative feelings about our “significant others” (Zayas & Shoda, 2015). In building emotional intimacy with anyone, you’ll likely discover that, along with their charms and strengths, they have some qualities that worry, annoy, or sadden you. And even if you think you absolutely hate your coworker of many years, you might also, on some level, like them. 

The good news is that this “implicit ambivalence” might help us improve our relationships (Faure et al., 2022). People who experience strong implicit ambivalence toward their spouses tend to be motivated to improve their marriages and successful in doing so (Faure et al., 2022).

On the other hand, a relationship can be stressful when you consciously view it as both good and bad. These ambivalent relationships might even stress you out more than straightforwardly negative relationships (Holt-Lunstad et al., 2007)–after all, you can brush off, avoid, or ignore people you simply don’t like; it’s much harder to disregard a surprise backhanded compliment from your most difficult relative. Also, although supportive friends can help us process stress in hard times, ambivalent friendships may not offer the same benefits (Holt-Lunstad et al., 2007).

Ambivalence in Motivational Interviewing

Motivational interviewing is a style of counseling that helps clients change behavior by resolving ambivalence. Motivational interviewers explore reasons for change with their clients until the client sees more (or stronger) reasons to change than to stay the same (Miller & Rose, 2015). Counselors who use this approach adopt an active pro-change stance (Miller & Rose, 2015) instead of the neutrality advocated by other schools of therapy. 

Ambivalence To Change

Ambivalence to change is typical. In the stages of change model (originally formulated by Prochaska & Diclemente), ambivalence is a core feature of the contemplation stage (Raihan & Cogburn, 2021). In contemplation, we see many risks and drawbacks of change as well as potential rewards (Stages of change model, n.d.). If you suspect that you might need to make a change, but are hesitating, you’re probably in the contemplation stage. For example, you might want to eat healthily to live longer and improve your focus at work, but shy away from the costs (in both time and money) it will take to adopt a new diet. Therapists can help clients move beyond the contemplation stage using motivational interviewing (among other approaches). See below for a motivational interviewer’s take on this process.

Video: Uncovering Motivation and Overcoming Ambivalence

Ambivalence in Pregnancy

No matter what your life circumstances, pregnancy is a huge change (emotionally, physically, financially, and in many other ways). Especially if the pregnancy was unplanned, you may feel ambivalent about the pregnancy itself. Even if the pregnancy was planned and you thought you 100% wanted a baby, it wouldn’t be unusual to experience some ambivalence during your (or your partner’s) pregnancy. Pregnant women tend to express ambivalence about their intention to get pregnant in the first place, their feelings upon finding out they’re pregnant, and their plans for the pregnancy (Cutler et al., 2018). ​

Is Ambivalence an Emotion?

Psychologists consider ambivalence to be an attitude. Attitudes are a tendency to evaluate something a certain way (positively, negatively, both, or neither) (Bohner & Dickel, 2011). Attitudes encompass both thoughts and emotions.

Ambivalent vs Indifferent

Depending on the context, “indifferent” can mean “neutral”—for example, you might plead indifference when you have no preference among the options your friends suggest for dinner. “Indifferent” can also suggest impartiality or indecision, however, so indifference can either coexist with or exclude ambivalence. 

Usually, indifference = “I couldn’t care less,” whereas ambivalence = “I care a lot, in many directions.”

Ambivalent vs Ambiguous

Ambivalence is a characteristic of attitudes and opinions; ambiguity is a characteristic of situations and stimuli. Ambivalence arises from the thoughts and emotions of sentient beings—it’s internal to us. Ambiguity, by contrast, can be external. You may be ambivalent about an ambiguous situation, or you may label ambiguous feelings as ambivalence. 

Ambivalence vs Indecision

Ambivalent thoughts and feelings can make it hard to decide what to do, so indecision can be a consequence of ambivalence. Ambivalence might even be necessary for indecision, although you can be decisive even if you’re experiencing ambivalence. I have moved forward with many necessary choices while feeling ambivalent about all the options–in some cases, I felt only 51% sure about my final choice. 

Ambivalent vs Uncertainty

Ambivalence is viewing something both positively and negatively; uncertainty is having no clear path forward. Ambivalence may feel uncertain or underlie uncertainty, but it’s not necessarily the same concept–in uncertainty, you might not know what you think or feel; in ambivalence, you might know exactly what you think and feel (even if you’re working through a tangle of contradictions). You might also know your next steps even if you’re ambivalent about pursuing them.

Dealing With Ambivalence

Although ambivalence isn’t all bad, it can be hard to appreciate its benefits if it’s holding you back from making an important decision or a necessary change. It might confuse you, stress you out, or leave you feeling stuck in a rut. Here are several strategies you can try for working through (or with) ambivalence when pro-and-con lists aren’t doing the trick:

  1. Find a therapist who practices motivational interviewing: As discussed above, motivational interviewing is a counseling approach designed to help clients move through ambivalence to establish lasting behavioral change. If you’re having trouble making a decision or changing habits on your own, the support of a skilled mental health professional might give you an effective boost.
  2. Coexist with your ambivalence: If you need to make a decision and the clock is ticking, you don’t have to resolve your ambivalence to move ahead. (In fact, making a decision might help you resolve your ambivalence, especially if your choice would be difficult to reverse (see Bullens et al., 2013 for a review). Particularly when you’re making a major, complex life decision, you can expect some internal conflict–rarely does any option present zero downsides or no upsides. When I moved halfway across the country, I was only about 51% sure of my choice, but it worked out. If you’ve made the best decision you can, it’s probably going to be good enough.
  3. “Clarify your values”: Writer Stacy Colino suggests combating ambivalence by clarifying your values (Colino, 10 January 2022). Identifying what matters most to you may help you structure your thinking and work around ambivalence when making decisions. For example, I chose to move several states away to stick to my values of courage and independence. Those values helped me weigh the pros and cons of the move and know that the pros were ultimately more important. 
  4. Stay open: Colino also advocates that you “listen to your ambivalence” (10 January 2022). If you’re pushing away one set of thoughts or feelings, you might instead try to hear them out. How might your ambivalence be trying to help you? Is there a way you can compromise with yourself? For example, I have long been of two minds about adopting a second cat–my “the more, the merrier” position on cats conflicts with the knowledge that my cat would be much happier as an only child. My ambivalence points me toward the best solution: finding more opportunities to hang out with cats without bringing them into my cat’s territory (e.g. by befriending the neighborhood cats or volunteering to catsit for friends).

Quotes on Ambivalence

  • “Odi et amo. quare id faciam fortasse requiris nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.” – C. Valerius Catallus
(“I hate and I love. Why I do this, perhaps you ask. I know not, but I feel it happening and I am tortured.”) – Trans. Leonard C. Smithers
  • “Most women would say they relate to 'Hedda Gabler' - there's a part of her in them. Ibsen was writing about a deep ambivalence that many women feel about domesticity. I think about myself and friends of mine - we have some of Hedda's qualities and traits.” — Annette Bening
  • “Often, if there's something that I want to do, but somehow can't get myself to do, it's because I don't have clarity. This lack of clarity often arises from a feeling of ambivalence - I want to do something, but I don't want to do it; or I want one thing, but I also want something else that conflicts with it.” – Gretchen Rubin
  • “I think that social migration to another economic class requires a kind of negotiating with yourself. And also, there's so much ambivalence in your heart about who you are and who you're really not.” – Min Jin Lee

Articles Related to Ambivalence

​Want to learn more? Check out these articles:​​​​

Books Related to Ambivalence​

If you’d like to keep learning more, here are a few books that you might be interested in.

Final Thoughts on Ambivalence

When you hold both positive and negative views of someone or something, you’re experiencing ambivalence. Ambivalence can show up as mixed feelings, mixed thoughts, or mismatched thoughts and feelings. Although ambivalence might help us see shades of gray in an issue, find solutions that honor the complexities of our lives, and motivate us to improve close relationships, you might also experience ambivalence as stressful and confusing. Ambivalence can also keep you stuck in the contemplation phase of change. 

If ambivalence becomes a problem for you, you can try working with a therapist, clarifying your values, or simply acting despite ambivalence. However you choose to manage ambivalence, please remember that it’s a normal and understandable response to change and major life events. Ambivalence is also common in long-term relationships and is a natural consequence of getting to know someone (and their strengths and flaws) deeply. I suspect that ambivalence comes with the territory of a full, complex life, and is thus an experience worth tolerating (and maybe even appreciating).

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